Why I say no to meeting people for coffee

If you struggle with balancing your time and wondering when and how to meet people for lunch or coffee, read on. Sometimes (and a lot of the time, actually) I have to say no–and here’s part of the reason why.

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Ever say yes to something and wish you hadn’t? Or get stuck in a situation where you’re not sure how to say no to something? Or better yet, get asked for money and you don’t know how to say no? I have a hard time saying no (an impossible time, sometimes, because I want to say yes to everything), so recently I said no to meeting someone for coffee and it was the right call. I had to use a phrase I rarely say (okay, now I say it more often):

“No, I won’t meet you for coffee.”

Those words were really hard to say. For some reason, saying no feels like an impossibility for me.

Usually I say no only if I can’t–if I’m on a plane or in another state, for instance. If I’ve maxed out my credit card cycle for the month, so I can’t donate for another two weeks. Things like that.

But is this a good behavior pattern to adopt? It’s certainly proved wonderful in my life–but I know there are times when saying no is prudent. When you need to say no because there are other priorities. When meeting for 5-6 various in-person interactions during the week totals as much as 20 hours per week, and 20 hours per week of transit, travel, follow-up and coordination time could be better spent writing a book or finishing projects for my clients–I have to prioritize. And while I love you; if I meet with you, I won’t write my book.

And that dang book won’t write itself.

(Trust me, I’ve tried that route).

But how do you say no? How do you know when not to meet with someone, or when donating or giving money is going to put you in more trouble than help someone else? Granted, I just raised $29,000 for charity and asked a LOT of people to help me out–so the world works on a big cycle of people saying yes. I’m not going to dispute that. And for every person that said yes, there were hundreds of people who said no–and that’s also absolutely fine. It’s the way the world works. So, when can I say no?

I talk a lot with people older than I am, and they mention that they only learned later in life how much they value their own quirks and life preferences. Being at home. Staying out late. Spending time with their friends. Read any end-of-life list and you won’t see someone say,

“Boy, I wish I had said yes to more appointments and meetings.”

Me? I love writing. I love reading. I absolutely adore being home, by myself, with my computer, rationalizing and thinking and mulling over ideas and pieces. Picture Tina Fey in 30 Rock delighting over organization. That’s me and books and my open screen made for all my words to spill onto.

It takes me time–a lot of time–to put these ideas together. I typically need uninterrupted space, for hours, to really sort things out and put them together and string words into phrases and meanings. On a lot of days I get up really early just to do this and I often stay up late or find time on Friday or Saturday night to write posts because I want and crave the space for my ideas.

So meeting daily for 10AM meetings or 7PM meetings is not ideal for me. (In fact, and more on this in another post, I try to schedule all of my meetings on what I call “Meeting Thursdays,” so I can enjoy most of my other days sans-meetings).

And I start to wonder how people with more demands on their time do it, because I’m not a big shot by any means (and never will be)–and yet I get a lot of requests for coffee, meetings, one-on-one events, and space on my calendar, as I’m certain so many working and busy people do. It’s more than I can handle, in fact, and I’ll have to say no to them if I want to get any work on my personal projects done.

I did the math, and I realized that if I were to meet with every person for coffee each week, I’d give up 10-20 hours a week of time, or 80 hours a month, and for someone who’s been saying she wants to write a book for several years now, I’ve got to stop and ask myself–

Is meeting for this coffee worth more to you than doing the writing you want to do?

And while yes, I would love to meet you for coffee, and I’m overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with so many lovely people, I know that in order to get the projects done that I want to get done, I sometimes have to say no.

I have to say no.

Same goes for subscriptions, memberships, and many other things. And I used to feel bad–sort of–about saying No. I felt like I ought to say yes, take the opportunity, do it. It might have some opportunity! I might be missing something! Classic FOMO.

How do you say no, kindly? There are two key phrases that really help–try these out:

For time:

“I wish I could join you. However, I need to carve out space for myself this week and I don’t have time to meet you.”

Shorter still:

“I can’t. I need to carve out space for myself this week.”

And for clients wanting the ubiquitous “pick your brain” option (see Laura Roeder’s excellent post on this)–

“If it’s a quick question, send it over and I’ll answer it quickly! If it’s a longer query, while I’d love to chat,  right now my lunch hours are reserved for clients. Here’s my current rate–let me know if you’d like to book a lunch session.”

And for money:

“It’s not in my budget.”

It’s your decision to say yes or no. And in a world with an abundance of yes, sometimes I need to select the “no” answer.

Need more help in this area? Marie Forleo has a list of go-to scripts that have helped me immensely. Enjoy!

With love, and a kind “no,” to preserve my sanity in the in-between times.

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Round 3: a world domination summit, an army-family-team, love, and other lessons.

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An Army of Remarkable Souls…

Every year, the army grows a little bigger. This year, Chris invited 3,000 of his closest friends to join in the growing march to take over the world. With a blog that reaches millions, two best-selling books and a conference that sells out in minutes, I wonder how soon this crew will realize that we really are a dominant force across the globe—and this powerful network of achievers, do-ers, thinkers, creatives and non-conformists can collectively do quite a lot, together.

Portland is a big-town, small-city place that boasts breweries, books, and soulful people, with hints (or proclamations!) of weirdness in its variant quirks and policies. (A progressive city in almost every regard, it still has some of the highest restrictions on alcohol use of any state). This past weekend for the Fourth of July, a mid-sized army of remarkable people convened to sip from the fountain of ‘inspiration crack’ (h/t to Danielle for that phrase), engage in high-energy infusion and expression, and hug as many people as possible.

As I headed to my third reunion of the World Domination Summit hosted by the mighty Chris Guillebeau and his magnificent team of ambassadors, speakers, volunteers and passionate followers, I wondered what this version would send my way–and what I would bring to it.

Unlike the last two years, where I sat enthralled, documenting every piece of the conference, this year was a bit different for me: I was tired and under deadlines, and still a bit out of sorts from the year’s healthy dose of personal learnings and discovering emotions. This year was far different than the last two years: I wasn’t energized enough to be out in public again. Not just yet. This, in fact, was my first conference since 2012–and while I haven’t mentioned it too much publicly (and it’s not the subject of this post but I’ll definitely talk more about it later)–I’ve been subject to adrenal fatigue and burnout this year, and I’ve been keeping a bit quieter and staying in much more than the last two years. Which is why, after six months of slowing down (note: relative to my normal barometer of activity), I was feeling some excited to see my friends again, but I was cautious not to over-extend myself in ways I had done before. As a result, I was able to go to most of the speakers (but not all of them), and I definitely missed more than one of the meet-ups. In all, however, I loved it as much as the years prior and was grateful to see so many kind friends (and strangers) at every turn.

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WDS: Like college, maybe?

The first Friday evening, Chris rented out the Portland Zoo for an opening party featuring dancers and a band on stilts (coupled with elephants and monkeys) and I saw hundreds of my favorite people all beaming at each other and gabbing at each other on the amphitheater lawn. It was partly a big part gleeful reunion and another part “shiny object syndrome” – I couldn’t maintain a single conversation without seeing another person and rushing over to hug or squeeze them, leaving me feeling a bit like I’d started 87 conversations and left every one unfinished — well, that’s actually exactly what happened. People from all over the world were in the same place, hugging; new faces and internet friends and old friends mingled together in a collective takeover of the Zoo.

It reminded me of a college reunion, or rather that feeling of returning to an academic campus after a summer’s vacation. New-timers to WDS were like freshman, eager and excited to join the new space and become a part of the family they’d heard so much about, departing from old habits and spaces and ready to make new projects live in the world. Similarly, people who had come to 2011 and 2012 were like sophomores and juniors, veterans excited to come back and see so many of the friends they’d met and made the years before. As a third-timer, I was tingling with excitement to see so many of my friends that I’d met one or two years prior and followed online since. I just used the word “excited” three times in this paragraph, so if you couldn’t tell–it was definitely energizing.

But actually, it’s more like a family …

The college metaphor, however, doesn’t quite fit. Because, more than college, the community at WDS is like a family to me. New faces approached me nervously, wondering how they were going to meet everyone and do it all. “You’re not,” I told newcomers, “It’s improbable that you’ll meet all 3,000 people.” But there are so many wonderful souls with “yes” attitudes that meeting a handful of them – five, ten, fifteen – and staying in touch with them over the years is the perfect thing to do at a conference like this. Start a few conversations. Connect with people and tell them you story. Share a lunch. Compare notes on the speakers. Talk about what you’re working on (or struggling with, or proud of). Say hi in person to someone you’ve been listening to online.

For those of you who came for the first time, over the next year I bet you’ll find the magic keeps happening. It doesn’t necessarily happen in the form of a job opening that falls in your email inbox the next day (although perhaps that might happen!)—but sparks start. Seeds are planted. A few months later, as you’re working through more of your world domination plans (or quiet, far-less-glamorous plans to stock your savings or launch a product), you’ll remember someone you met or recall a piece of advice or a story that will hit you and make you smile. You’ll email a friend you met and say, shyly, “Hey, can I bother you to ask a question?” And then you’ll notice that things start happening a little quicker. A little more urgently. With joy.

Yes.

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Some thoughts and notes—A few lessons to add to my WDS#1 and WDS#2 posts

What are the big takeaways? As we left Portland and began the long drive down highway 5 through Oregon and California, I stared out at the road and the trees and basked in the warm sunshine heating the dashboard, jotting down notes and reflecting on the pieces that really hit home for me. Here’s what I came up with:

The most important thing is starting. Things only happen if you start them. And then put in the work. The happiest returners I saw were making honest work and taking action one step at a time, through all the ups and downs. If you’re looking to start something or make a change, make a tiny step as soon as possible. Maybe that’s emailing someone to say hello or thank-you. Maybe it’s putting a paragraph on a page and sending it to a few people to review. Maybe that’s putting $100 into a new account and calling it your Freedom Fund. But starting is essential. I can guarantee you if you don’t start, it won’t happen.

The quicker you can harness your energy and put it into motion and tangible outcomes, the quicker your life will change. 

Be audacious. Be ridiculous. Jia Jiang talked about how he asked for the most ridiculous things in his “rejection therapy” experiment–from driving a police car to asking to fly a helicopter to getting Krispy Kreme to give him donuts shaped like the Olympic Rings. And surprisingly to everyone, the answers were yes. Be a little crazy–you never know what will happen.

Send thank-you notes. Who really impressed you at the conference? Who did you love meeting or seeing again? Send a quick note to tell them.

Everyone has lots of stories. Nancy Duarte and Donald Miller talked about storytelling and communication, and for me I find people often trip up on getting their “right” story in order. Screw that. You don’t have a right story or one story. You have lots of them. Tell one of them, and have fun with it.

WDS feels like a level playing field–a team of equals, without a hierarchy. One of my favorite things about this conference, unlike any other conference, is how level the playing field is. Internet super-stars and best-selling authors and otherwise “untouchables” stand side-by-side with newbies, shy geeks, and dreamers—in a nod to our common humanity. Rather than our accomplishments, I feel more at home around people I otherwise might feel too shy to go and meet, and vice versa.

I’m not sure why this is—perhaps it’s because every speaker comes voluntarily, or because of the depth of friendships between so many people—but I always feel such ease connecting to everyone and high-fiving the speakers and recognizing that this conference isn’t about what you’ve done, but more about who you are, and if you bring kindness and joy to the room.

Remember that everyone is human. And what you’re feeling right now, they probably felt at one time as well.

Connecting with readers!! It wasn’t that long ago that I started my blog and web projects. The WDS community were some of my earliest supporters—I remember walking to the first conference and meeting Dave Ursillo, Adam Baker, Courtney Baker, Laura Roeder and J.D. Roth on the very first night of the very first conference—and each of these people (and the people I met in the minutes and moments afterwards) have become fast friends and long-time supporters of my work. The family has been huge and I’m so grateful to have met so many people through WDS.

This time, my third hurrah, I got to connect with several faces who came up to me, so happy to connect in person—being able to say hello and hear your stories was such an honor. I always pinch myself when I realize that someone is out there, reading my stories, and to get to see the faces that spend time reading my words–I LOVE meeting you! It means the world to me that by writing essays online, we can connect and make friends across so many places in the world.

Not everyone quits their job. I think this is really important to say. Sometimes WDS feels like a club for job-quitters, and it’s not always the right time for you or the right thing for you to do. Your life is not everyone else’s life. Sometimes it seems so hard to watch everyone quitting their jobs or starting their dreams and you wonder, “when is it going to be my turn?” Something that’s often overlooked in the shiny-internet-spaces is how long it can take to build an idea, a project, a community, a following, or a dream. There can be a distinct separation of time between knowing what you want to do and putting it to reality. It is not a bad thing to be practical and pragmatic (keeping your day job to pay the bills for a while can actually be a smart move, for example)–up to a point.

Sometimes you’re in process. In the middle. For me, so much has changed over the past two years and it’s brilliant to see each year at WDS as a marker in time for what I was (or am) working on and working through. But take the inspiration, watch out for the hangover that might hit immediately following, and make plans (and first steps) towards your next actions.

Patience, but not Never. Sometimes you know that you have to do something–but you can’t do it right away. Timing is important. It’s not a bad thing to be patient or frugal. I know what it’s like to want something and work six months, twelve months, or two years to get it. You work tirelessly, invisibly, and nothing seems to change.

And of course! A quick photo-tour: 

There are a million photos online from the amazing WDS team and Armosa Studios; I couldn’t possibly list them all. Here are a few of my favorites:

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The Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall – the main stage.

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The entrance hall as people start coming in!

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Jia Jiang and facing (and embracing) rejection.

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Donald Miller: You are not your failures. You are also not your successes.

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The upper balcony seating.

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Yoga in the park.

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Lines forming outside the buildings for the next speakers.

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Darren Rouse (ProBlogger) fulfilling his Superman dreams!

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Afternoon workshop with Danielle LaPorte in a church. The room filled up to over-capacity by 1:30 and we were slated to start at 2. So she gave us an extra 30 minutes of goodness.

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The hammock lounge for when you need a quick break!

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Oh! Oh! That’s me and Ryan McRae and Paull Young, Kaitlyn Jankowski and Rael Dornfest of Charity: Water giving a recap of our crazy adventures and big plans for next year! If you’re going to be a part of the Ethiopia Campaign, sign up to join our collective project for clean water. 

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Lots and lots of crazy stories :) 

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The all-volunteer army of speakers and remarkable ambassadors. The ones who made it happen.

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The closing dance party (probably one of my FAVORITE parts! Humans are made to dance and move and celebrate joyfully!)

Are you coming in 2014?

It’s not cheap–I stayed in a hostel ($300), road-tripped from San Francisco ($400), bought an early ticket ($450), and packed a grocery sack of food ($150 total for the weekend including eating out)–which is about as cheap as I have been able to make it–so people often gasp at the sticker price for a weekend like this, particularly if you want to stay in a fancy hotel, are traveling from far away and spend more money on food.

But to break out, in joy, and join family that’s supportive, kind, inspirational, loving, and meet people who thing like you, weird and wonderful as you might be–it’s life-changing. It’s worth it.

And here’s the thing: nothing lasts forever. Each year is an evolution, and if you put off something you want to do for later–it might not be there later. If you can afford it, pull the trigger. Of course there are exceptions, and if you’re swamped in debt or can’t make it, reach out in other ways and mix and mingle with the hashtag on twitter, watch the videos after, and ask questions (or interview people!) and learn as much as you can vicariously.

But if you’re standing on the edge waiting to jump and you don’t jump, you’re just standing there, and the opportunity will pass you by.

Hope you’ll join us next year–or find a way to bring this joy into your life, one day at a time.

With love as always!

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July excitement, New York, the School of Visual Arts, and WDS!

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What a busy month! I’m so excited about, well, everything it seems lately. This past June I traveled to New York for two weeks with the School of Visual Arts in their Design Writing Intensive program as a two week break from my full-time job in Communications to get better at writing and storytelling; the program included multiple intensive seminars and assignments with writers from the New York Times, the New Yorker, Design Observer, Metropolis and more.

Next weekend I’m heading to my third-round with the World Domination Summit and I hope to see many, many of you there! In addition, I’ve got several very exciting projects in the works that I can’t wait to share with you (although I can’t share them just yet even though I am bursting at the seams to talk about them!!). As a result, I’ve held off on opening doors to the next Writer’s Workshop, but I’ll either re-open it this summer or later this fall, depending on scheduling (and several behind-the-scenes projects). More soon! But first…

See you in Portland if you’re going to WDS this weekend! 

I can’t wait to see so many wonderful faces in Portland’s friendly city blocks. Make sure to reach out and say hello, send a quick tweet or leave a comment and let me know that you’ll be there. If you’re new to the conference, check out all the goodness in my recaps from the first two years:

World Domination 2011, Round 1:

World Domination 2012, Round 2:

Year two was the year I kicked off my swim-adventure that turned into $33,000 for Charity:Water in an incredible, never-will-forget-it event. (Stay tuned: I might be doing something related at WDS this year!). Here are the great posts from that adventure:

There are a million brilliant resources for going to this conference. I can’t wait to see you there! For those of you who can’t make it, I’ll try to do my similar scribe-note-taking magic as I always do.

Storytelling: Teaching LIVE at General Assembly – San Francisco:

For those of you who have been curious about my storytelling classes and workshops, I’ll be teaching two different classes this July 17 and July 24th in downtown San Francisco with General Assembly. In “Storytelling 1.0” on Wednesday, July 17, I’ll cover several basic frameworks and philosophies of storytelling and how it fits into how you tell the story of your personal brand or your business. In “Storytelling 2.0” on Wednesday, July 24, I take a deeper look at the mythological roots of storytelling and the various hero archetypes we use in our understanding of ourselves and the way we see the world around us. Hope you can join if you’re in town!

Also – Miscellaneous links from around the web for your Monday morning! 

  • Tech Cocktail: Last January I went to Tech Cocktail to speak about the future of cities and tour the Downtown Project with Tony Hsieh; after the presentations we did a quick Q/A on writing and blogging. Kira Newman, also a terrific writer and starter of the Honesty Experiment, had a conversation me about top tips for writing and blogging – check it out here
  • Morning Routine: What’s in a morning routine? Here’s what mine looks like!
  • This is an oldie-but-goodie: at Bold Academy last year, I did a post about the power of community and it still has one of my all-time favorite quotes: “When you surround yourself with other talented people who have the will to make things happen, you realize that you’re not alone–and that there are hundreds of people who are willing to help you as much as you’re willing to help them.”
  • The “Do Something” presentation that I put on SlideShare has now doubled in views since it took off last year–it’s at 190,000 views (this is amazing to me) and I’m so awed that people find this such a wonderful resource and tool. If you haven’t taken a look before, check it out ~ and let me know what you think!

Enjoy, and Happy Monday!sarah signature

Start where you are.

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Where are you?

Just a few weeks ago: I’m sitting on the floor of an empty studio, barefoot, with not a piece of furniture in it. Boxes line the hallways and two giant moving trucks are parked out in the street. Every so often our dogs bark, whining about being pent up in the back. I’m helping my Dad move two states away, and the entire house has been up-ended. We’re sleeping on the carpet floor for two nights without beds. I have a radio interview scheduled and I’ve hidden in the bathroom to talk from my laptop to make this happen because their are painters next door.

Right now, we’re in limbo.

I ask if we can not use Skype video–as video is probably not the best medium at the moment, although I’m happy to talk — and right at the beginning, our interview accidentally goes to video. I laugh, and I tell my story: “Well, you caught me! I’m sitting on a floor right now, chatting at you while all the furniture is being taken out of my house … mind if we switch to audio only? Otherwise you’ll have me sitting on a floor in my yoga pants!” 

Right now, right here.

Let’s stop imagining the pretend perfect circumstances that might have maybe led to the possibility of your wildest dreams, and get real about the fact they haven’t happened yet. You are here. You are what you are.

Start where you are. Right here. Right now.

This is where the magic happens.

When you’re tired, worn out, flabbergasted, stressed out. You get up, you park yourself in the corner of the room, you duct-tape fabric ver the window to stop the glare, you polish your lips and you record that video interview anyways, even if you think the whole world behind you is falling apart. Do it in style. Make it happen.

Often all the things that aren’t right aren’t really problems–they are just crutches. “Well, I’ll do it once I have furniture in my house again. I’ll do it when I’m not so tired. I’ll do it when I’m feeling better. I’ll do it …”

Nope, sorry. This is it. Today.

I know very few stories of people who got set up in ideal circumstances and then made the magic happen. Rather, it’s about making the magic happen in any circumstance. (That’s true magic, right there).

Because if you can’t make it happen NOW… when will you?

Start where you are.

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How much should you share with the internet, anyways?

Chelsea, New York City, June 2013 (Photo by Sarah Peck)

This is the third in a series of posts about building your voice on the internet and making work that sees the light of day for people who have been wanting to blog, create, make, or write. I host a quarterly writing workshop for people interested in learning more about storytelling and writing. The class will re-open for summer enrollment soon–I’m  currently updating the program and hard at work behind the scenes for the next class, which should be live in July. But first: when you do make something, how do you know if you should share it? 

How do you know if it’s okay to share your personal stories with the big wide internet?

Many of us have stories that are hard to tell to our friends, let alone the public. When is it right to share a story, and when could it get you in trouble? When building an online space or a brand related to you, how do you know if it’s okay to tell your story? If you have dreams and visions for the future that don’t align with your current direction with your employer, how transparent can you be about it?

One problem with writing so much personal stuff is wondering when and how to share it.

When I write, I often wonder whether of not I can share this immediately with other people. Knowing when to take your writing public (and when it’s still something you need to work through in community) is a difficult thing to gauge. When is your story worthy of other people being granted permission to see it?

I often share only about a quarter of the things I’ve written, if not much less, and I make it a rule to only share things that I’m nearly done processing or when I’ve found (or nearly found) resolution to a particular idea. While I write as a means to figure things out, I rarely share things as I’m going through the turmoil itself, for many reasons.

My mind is a fickle, raw and tender place, and I’m not always ready to put that space out into the world for judgment–nor is this beneficial to me as a person. I often need to discover my own thoughts and ideas before I can bring them to light with a larger audience.

When I’m working through an idea or a problem that’s raw and tender to me, I guard it closely and give it only to trusted people who I think can cradle my idea (and my heart) with enough tender kindness to assist my in my journey of discovery; each added circle is an extended level of intimacy that is granted permission to care about my heart as much as I do.

I don’t share the things that feel too scary or uncomfortable or too present; those I keep only within an inner circle of close companions and friends, expanding the circle as I get feedback and confidence and resolution in the particular process. Brene Brown articulates her thoughts around this beautifully, and I adhere to similar philosophies. As Brene Brown writes:

“Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.” 

As we circle into the places of darkness and respect the struggles that make us human, remember these boundaries, excerpted from “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown:

“I don’t tell stories or share vulnerabilities with the public until I’ve worked through them with the people I love. I have my own boundaries around what I share and what I don’t share and I stay mindful of my intentions.”

“First, I only share stories or experiences that I’ve worked through and feel that I can share from solid ground. I don’t share what I call “intimate” stories and I don’t share stories that are fresh wounds. [Second], I follow the rule that I learned in my graduate social work training. Sharing yourself to teach or move a process forward can be healthy and effective, but disclosing information as a way to work through your personal stuff is inappropriate and unethical. Last, I only share when I have no unmet needs that I’m trying to fill.”

Learning these boundaries and rules can be difficult as a new writer, especially in the age of the internet where everything is recorded and visible by anyone. I’ve had my moments when I have essays up in public forums, presentations to give to large audiences, and a professional demeanor to uphold—and while the public world churns along (or dissects my teenage and past angst), I maintain a separation between the events of past and the current events that might dominate my emotional landscape.

Several years ago, during the worst of my breakup with my ex-fiance, I would come home late at night after work, let go of the armor that got me through the day, and quite literally crawl in through the garage to curl up on the carpet alone to the temporary bed I was sleeping on. The shaggy carpet smelled of stale cat and the room shook with the heat of the dryer adjacent to my tiny room. I would lie stone flat on the ground, staring up at the ceiling in such pain that I thought I could never eat again. I had a total of four outfits I could bear wearing, and I slept for days in the same outfit. I couldn’t find a way to eat, think, or cry, and I called my sister just to hear her talk to me on the other end of the line. I didn’t know what to do; and still, despite an inclination that wanted to paint the story across the social web and internet world, I knew that I couldn’t. I didn’t talk about much of this for well over a year, until I’d sobbed my way through my sister’s Kleenex boxes and worked closely with a therapist to help move through the hurt.

I remember the day that I finally shared the story, talked about and opened up to what I’d been through—and I found deep connection and soul-sisters across the internet who reached out and said, “I know. I’ve been there. And thank you, for sharing.” It was only after I’d found the ways to heal that I was able to share my story and learn from it. And like many of the painful moments we each go through, I know (now, at least), how much of my resilience and growth came through these experiences.

Writing is first about creating a relationship with yourself and then about sharing the stories. I use writing to discover and work through my emotions—capturing and recording the raw states of being, storing them in a place to revisit and reconnect with later—but the stories I publish related to emotional wounds are often long healed or well on the way towards healing.

A good rule of thumb to ask is “does this make me feel anything still?” If you’re still feeling pain or angst, or hoping for a response from others, consider keeping it in a smaller circle for now, or holding on to it until later. Likewise, if there’s a response that might be hurtful—and by this I mean if someone could read this and do something that would hurt your feelings—also consider that you might not be ready to share the piece just yet. Protect yourself, and take care of your heart. You always come first, no matter what. Sharing is second, and can be metered out to those closest to us and only later to larger audiences.

In the name of vulnerability, sharing is important. But in the world of the internet, it’s also good to be cautious about where you share and what you share, and keep it close to yourself at first.

Writing is first a journey into your own mind, and remembering to respect yourself and your soul is critical. Share everything with yourself. Put your words down, write your heart out, and keep that journal flush with ideas. This is your place, your soul, yourself. Part one of the week on persuasion is developing an authentic relationship with yourself. Learn how to listen to your ideas, how to applaud them, how to shape them, how to let them take the form that they want—as stubborn as they may seem at times.

First drafts are okay. You are not the Messiah, and your message is not going to be perfect. You can write first drafts, second drafts, and third drafts. This can be a work in progress. You are allowed to edit–in fact, you are allowed to change your mind! You can write later, “I wrote this a while back, and now I think this.”

Make mistakes. (And you can ask for forgiveness). If you make a mistake, you can take action to fix it. Don’t hold back from something because you’re worried about outcomes that are not yet real. Dive into them and make a lot of mistakes. (That’s actually the better outcome).

Start small. If you write a post and no one shows up, it’s because you didn’t invite them to the party. Write something and then share it with a couple of people that you think would actually be a good audience for it. Write them a personal message and say that you wrote something. (“Hey Susan! I wrote this essay and I’m wondering if you have time to read it and tell me what you think! Ideas, comments, general feedback is perfect. I’m new to this and just starting to share my ideas. Thank you!”). 

What about if you over-share? Remember, we live and learn. Don’t admonish yourself too harshly for oversharing. We can ask for permission (if you let the cat out of the bag about your future dreams and your employer lets you go, perhaps the universe was giving you a gentle shove). You can recover from most things and ask for forgiveness in places of error.

But my general rule is to write it out in my journals first, develop stories that are publicly share-able (usually a fraction of the writing that I do) and then tell the stories that help the message when the time is right. Much of the writing is for me (discovering, learning, processing), and many of the experiences become useful stories later.

What rules do you have for sharing yourself with the internet world? Have you ever been afraid to share something, and if so, what is the number one thing that’s holding you back?

AND–if you’d like, share a piece of your work in the comments below! There are lovely people who read this blog. Share away!

With love as always,

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Less is more, imperfect is perfect, and done is done: 17 tips, tricks & habits I use for writing, creation + business-building (or any creative pursuit).

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What’s better than perfect? Done is better than perfect.

Part of the beauty of writing, asking, and making projects is actually doing them. The best way out of something is often through it. Getting it done is where the art is. Seth Godin says “ship.” I say “do.” It means the same thing. Make it happen. Get it done.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you create the perfect product, the perfect essay, or the best story in the world; what matters is whether or not you have the nerve to ask and to create.

Sometimes you need to execute more and think less.

Rather than listen to all the voices that say you can’t do it, or why you’ll fail, take a step out and get started. Moving through something (physically, through action) is the best anecdote to stress, fear, and worry. At least this is what I’ve learned so far.


“What’s better than perfect? Done is better than perfect.”  (Tweet this)


Last Friday we wrapped the third week of my private Writer’s Workshop, a small group of writers that signed up on a 3-week journey and exploration in creative writing, narrative formation, storytelling, and persuasion. The class, a 15-module intensive, took us through a whirlwind a writing exercises and outlines frameworks and ideas around storytelling, understanding who you are, and the art (and difficulty) of creating a writing practice. (Side note: I’m so proud of them!!)

Often, as I work with clients and writers and with myself, I find a common middle section of any creative project or endeavor that’s fuzzy, mucky, uncomfortable, and scary. When we start any new practice–any art, any craft, anything that takes time and dedication and involves a bundle of newness–it’s terrifying. It’s that moment when the demons and creatures and critters tumble out of your neatly stacked closets, giggle and jump on your bed, and start a dance party that rattles you enough to make you think that starting was a bad idea.

But all those thoughts, all those jumbles, all that cranky and temperamental and strange stuff that pours out just when you were getting started–that is the good stuff.  That’s what you’re made of. That’s where the weird, wonderful, and zany comes from. It’s right at the beginning and when we get started that e need to set down the judgments and trade them for observations, noting only that we have this smattering of extremely strange and uncomfortable critters setting up a band show across our normally-made bed (Hah! You really think I make my bed? Right. Onwards).

One of my favorite lessons from the three-week class is my lesson on my personal writing and creation mantras: a bundle of tips, tricks, and habits that I keep posted up on my walls and in various locations as reminders and mantras towards my better self.

When I feel like crawling under the bed into the safety of the darkness and I think that the critters inside my mind will break everything in my house just by being them, I look at one of these mantras, breathe in a little bit, and remind myself to keep going.

I can survive a little hair-pulling. I can survive crayons all over the floor. I can survive the messiness. I can survive a massive dance party instigated by imaginary creatures in my mind. I can survive the Wild Things. I CAN SURVIVE THE MESSINESS! Because truly, the messiness is me. And in the exercise, I ask each person to create a list of mantras of their own (or to adopt whichever ones seem to fit from below).

What are your writing mantras? What are your creation mantras? How do you create your best self, and your best work? Here’s my list, to start you off.

17 Tips, Tricks & Habits I Use for Writing, Creation, Building and Motivation (Or Any Other Creative Pursuit).

In whatever your journey, the journey is about you.

Each person has a different dream, and your dream is the one that’s important in this journey (not anyone else’s). Your dream may be to write a book, to author a hundred books, or maybe to write a single essay. Perhaps your calling is to learn how to craft love letters to the important person in your life, or the important person who will be in your life after you write the story of how they get there. Writing might be a tool in your arsenal of visioning and dreaming, or it might be a process of self-discovery. Just like Gretchen Rubin writes “Be Gretchen,” so do I have sticky note on my wall that says: “Be Sarah.” Be you. Only you can be you.

In turn, the more I am me, the more me I become. Writing has been immensely useful in developing my relationship with myself, and seeing who I am and how I’ve grown. The better facility I gain with words, the better I get at processing, feeling, and learning from emotions.

The only system you need is the one that works.

I set up two key writing days for myself, with two optional mornings to write. I make these days priorities where writing is key; on the other days, writing is optional but always a possibility if I make time for it. If I find myself not writing or publishing as much, it’s a key to me to adjust the system—maybe I need to dial back the emphasis on other parts of my life and find another morning or night to dedicate an hour or two to writing. (Tweet this!)

The only system you need is the system that works

Habits are important frameworks.

Every writer I know talks about the importance of ritual and habit—whether it’s a morning pattern or a daily habit. For me, I have a few loose frameworks that guide me towards my larger goals—I try to publish once weekly, at minimum, and I try to write at least three days per week. Some weeks I write every day (I love writing, and I’ve been in the habit for a few years so I’m long familiar with this); and other times I only write once a week or so. When I find myself writing less, there’s inevitably a day or a two that month that the ideas start to come pouring out because I haven’t given them time to breathe.

My weekly structure gives me two mornings and two evenings to focus on writing; while I can break these rules and patterns occasionally (there are always conference calls to China that pop up), I try to keep at least 2 or 3 of the times for myself so that I can write.

Within a given month, I try to make sure at least one weekend is “clean”—in that it doesn’t have travel, events, or anything else scheduled on at least one (if not both) of the days. Often I actually have to go in and preemptively schedule the day out for writing so I don’t muck it all up with too many appointments. I’ll set a date with myself at one of my favorite coffee shops and plan to go, write, and eat for 4-5 hours that day and focus on writing and writing alone.

It takes longer than you think.

Writing is about philosophy, about articulation and detailing ideas and getting clarity around a concept or an idea. The harder the concept or the more challenging the story, the longer it will take you to work through it. It can take me several hours just to piece together a single story framework. If I have less than an hour, I usually can’t get to a depth or a place that I want to get and I become quite frustrated. I try to block out at least an hour, if not two hours, for my morning and evening sessions. Lately I’ve found myself losing track of time – I’ll come home around 7:30 or 8 pm, start writing on a Friday evening, and I’ll look up and the clock will read 12 or 1 AM and I’ve got to put the pen (or computer) down and head to bed so I can make it through the day reasonably the next day.

Deadlines are critical.

I have weekly goals (I call them frameworks) and monthly goals that serve as a baseline for what I want to make in the world. Some months I can’t possibly achieve it, and that’s fine—I try to strike a balance between pushing myself and enjoying myself during the process. If I’m going absolutely nuts and feeling overwhelmed, scared, and exhausted, then that’s not any good. My goal isn’t to make myself miserable! But if I go for more than a month or two without maintaining my baseline and I don’t notice things changing, I step in and re-evaluate what I’m working on and see if there is something I can say no to so that I can make space for more of my writing.


“To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time.” – Leonard Bernstein  (Tweet this)


It’s okay to take breaks.

I took an entire quarter off from writing my blog last year by taking a week off of work and writing 8 posts and spacing them out over a couple of months–all so that I could take some much-needed time to rest and rejuvenate my soul. I tend to work on projects in “seasons,” and define goals within each season—and there’s often at least one rest season (read: Winter) during each year so that I can restore myself and think about what to build next. Sometimes during a Spring or Summer season, I’ll focus more on one aspect of a project (like launching a writer’s workshop, or swimming a bunch), and I’ll dial back on my other responsibilities and goals so I can make it happen.

Set parameters and end dates.

Always set end dates. Give yourself permission to finish something. As you think about the next phase of your writing practice, consider what your goals might be. I highly recommend starting with a small framework (of perhaps 3-4 essays) and building a series around one particular topic, and finishing it. It’s imperative to finish a project and have something to point to. Most people don’t need to start an indefinite blog to create work in the world.

I’ve created many small projects based on sub-topics (as an example, I wrote a 20-essay blog strictly on my experience of the environment in San Francisco with details of the fog, homeless, and urban lifestyle; I started the project knowing that I wanted to spend a summer ‘collecting observations’ about the city I loved, and that the project would wrap by the end of the summer). The writing was fun to do, I got to tell stories in a way that was different than I’d been doing before, and I now have a collection of essays that I can use as writing samples, that I can pull from in future stories, and that I could eventually turn into a bigger project if I felt the itch to do that. (As I’m always saying: get started and do something, and learn from it!)

If it’s too big to do, make it smaller.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by an aspect of your project, get way smaller. Just do a tiny bit of it. We work in fragments of time that add up, slowly. Today is just a day. Carve an hour, do a small bit.


“If it’s too big to do, make it smaller.”  (Tweet this)


The BEST way to reduce stress is to do work on the project, not avoid it.

Want to feel better? Get started. That’s it. That’s my secret. Everything is part of a larger conversation. You’re just starting with a piece of it, and giving that nuance.

Read well. If you can’t read well, you can’t write well.

Get rid of the trash. Unsubscribe from blogs and news that aren’t helpful. Unfollow people that don’t fill your feed with good stuff. Fill your brain. Push it. Challenge it. The most important thing you can do to be a better writer is read. I recently listed a years’ worth of my favorite books, and I’m already embedded in at least half a dozen new novels, historical accounts, and business books this month alone. Immersing yourself in good quality writing is the best teacher. Seek out people who push you and challenge you and feel free to say no to the rest.

There is no good writing, there is only good re-writing.

When I work with new writers, I often tell them to expect the first page to be “full of shit, with a few gems hidden in there somewhere.” It takes time, patience, and a whole bunch of red-lines to work with words on a page. It also takes the courage to put words down on paper without initial judgment or concern. Just do it, and let yourself write. Don’t let your judgment of yourself preclude you from starting in the first place. Trust that it can continue to get better with editing, time, and practice.

The goal is not complex words and simple ideas, but simple words and complex ideas.

If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough. Writing does not need to be complicated, pretentious, confusing, or full of jargon. To me, writing is a process for building understanding for yourself, and others. For myself, I often copy notes, explore ideas, and re-work words on a page just to tango with an idea until it makes sense in my mind. If I can’t explain it to people, then I’m not well-versed enough in the concept. Writing is a tool for communication (externally) as well as understanding (internally). Often, much of my writing is just about my words, rants, ideas, and explorations–before any of it gets shared with anyone else.

Let your voice develop.

Every writer has a different personality and voice, and learning what yours is takes time and practice. I’m often influenced by my favorite writers—leaning more towards a New York Times persona when I spend a Sunday reading the opinion pages, and oscillating back towards a bossy voice when I spend too much time listening to lectures. In between all of this input, I need to carve out time to develop my own voice and persona; this is a craft that takes many iterations. Start practicing!

What you take out is just as important as what you leave in.

Getting to a clear, simple essay or point is not straightforward. Often, I have to write 5-6 pages just to get to a distillation of one great paragraph. It’s part of the process.

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Capture your ideas however you can.

I love keeping a notebook and jotting down my ideas. Inspiration can show up during your routine, and it can show up at any time. I keep a pocket recorder on my phone and I talk stories to myself while walking through the city or driving in a car (why is it that driving triggers so many new ideas!?). I keep the recordings as well as my digital notes and I send them to myself via email to a folder called “notes.” When I get back to my computer, if I don’t have any ideas that are pressing, I go back through and read my short notes and scratching from the recordings, notes, and my notebooks, and find something that catches my attention. Then I begin with that.

Take the time to build your space and your project.

The world needs to hear what you have to say. “The world” might just be your son, daughter, or significant other, but they still need to hear it. An audience of a handful of people is still an audience. (For more on this, read my thoughts on building your voice on the internet and why I think you should join in). It’s time. Say what needs to be said.

Know what you want and what you value.

This is an easy phrase to say and can take years of work. Learn what’s important to you. Get to know yourself. Write because it teaches you, not just because you have something to say. Write because it will make you a better person, and write because it helps us become more of ourselves.

Done is done.

Sign it. Seal it. Deliver it. A dream unfinished is not reality. It’s your job to create it. Make it happen. Done is done, nothing else.


“DONE is done. Nothing else.”  (Tweet this)


What about you? What creates your best self and your best work?

In the comments below, let me know: what are your writing mantras? What are your creation mantras? How do you create your best self, and your best work? 
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Are You Too In Love With A Dream to Make It Real?

Where does your mind go when you daydream?

That big dream, that thing in your mind–the really big one. Yes, that one.

What’s your big, scary, hairy, crazy, totally unrealistic dream? The one you wish for fervently and find yourself thinking about on and off while wandering?

Have you thought about making it real? Making it actually, seriously, part of your life?

Taking a dream to reality is risky.

It requires the real risk of failure and discovering whether or not you’re capable of what you believe. Whether or not you can actually accomplish all of the steps towards making it real. Whether or not you’re willing to do the work and go through the (sometimes painful) process of getting it to real.

Attempting to make a dream come true is a reality check. The possibility if a different reality is painful. It is quite possible that along the way towards going after your dream, you find out that you won’t get there. It’s too late. The pieces didn’t work. You don’t make it.

Behind the course of taking a dream to life is a possibility of not getting there.

To protect ourselves, we cling to the dream. We stay behind, saying wistfully to ourselves and others the story of the dream, but we don’t chase the dream itself.

Our words start to sound familiar. We tell stories that sound like were going to so that or we could have done that…

To take steps towards your dream requires uncertainty courage, bravery. You might discover that your dream window has expired. You might discover that you’re no longer in love with the fantasy you created. You might discover that the person you were has changed.

Taking the journey will change you. Taking the journey is unpredictable, uncertain, and scary.

You will emerge a different person. Your solace is that the other side of this today is a new place, and we are creatures that require change to grow.

And what if it does work out? What if your wildest dreams actually could come true?

Would you have the courage to go free them?

Or are you enjoying the dream more?

Building a Space and a Voice on the Internet: Is It Time For You to Join In?

To Be A Person Is To Have A Story To Tell
Where are you telling your stories?


This past Monday we kicked off the first Writer’s Workshop with a group of 22 participants from more than a dozen states and countries around the world. I’m so impressed and inspired by the talent and hard work coming from the group already—and we’re just in week one! Writing is a journey into yourself, your ideas, and your memories—and taking the time to create something in words is a beautiful (albeit intensely personal) exercise. Several people have emailed me to ask if I’ll be teaching the course again and the answer right now is more than likely yes! I’ll be teaching the class as a summer session in mid-July, with details for signing up coming in mid-June. Sign up to get notified via weekly blog updates or send me an email if you’d like to join. Speaking of creating… is this something you’re dreaming of doing more of? Keep reading…


Building your voice on the internet: is it time for you to join in?

Have you been thinking about joining the online conversation? Have you been dreaming of starting a blog, website, or writing more?

By far, the most frequent thing I hear in my coaching and teaching is a remark that seems on everyone’s mind:

“I want to start a blog, but I’m not sure where to start.”

“I have an idea, but I’m not sure anyone wants to read it.”

“I have too many ideas, so I end up never writing them down!”

The internet can be an intimidating place—we see people who seem to write effortlessly, and publish often; they have crowds of people gathering and listening, and it seems like that’s something you’ll never get to—so why bother? Should you join in at all?

These are my arguments for why YOU should speak up.

The goal isn’t to have the loudest voice on the internet. It’s to have a voice. Your voice. The internet is a gold-rush right now, as people create content and the connections and communities born are exploding and multiplying faster than Google’s Spiders can crawl them. Should you join the conversation? There’s already enough noise and buzz anyway. What would you have to offer?

The point of writing isn’t that it’s for anyone else, at least not at first. (If your goal is to attract fame and fortune immediately, examine that desire and assumption. What is the deeper root? What are you hoping for?)

Writing and storytelling are about developing a relationship with your voice and ideas; it’s about finding (and practicing) ways of expressing them to yourself and others.

Carve out a home on the internet.

If and when you DO want to connect with others, however, it’s important to carve out your own “home” on the internet. In the world of Google-ability, we are quickly researching each other in order to learn about their skills and talents.

What do people find when they put your name into the Google machine?

The good news is that you can own this answer pretty quickly. If you want to craft three articles on a particular topic that’s interesting or a hobby to you (ideally something you’d like to be known for), you can start a Tumblr, Weebly or a WordPress domain for free or almost free (less than $50, max, if you want to own a domain name and buy a theme) and post three articles under a header with your name and contact information on it. This can be done in as little as four weeks. All of a sudden, when someone types in your name, or better yet—the topics you’ve written about—you can now be found. Your ideas can be known.

Resumes are static, and we’re searching for ideas through our web-maze of online information. Make yourself “findable.” Put your information onto the web so that search engines–and people, and serendipity–can stumble across it. Without putting yourself out there, it’s a lot harder to be found.

I get so many emails from people that say, “I was looking for an article about how to improve my writing, or how to write a thank you note, and I started reading your blog and sat down with you for an hour lastnight. It was so fun to read your thinking. Thank You.” 

By putting my words and ideas into a space where other people can find them–I’ve let myself be found. I can become known for my ideas. If you have an idea and it’s stuck in your head, there isn’t an easy way for anyone to know that you have it. Serendipity comes through connection and collision, and when people can find you and your ideas, possibility sparks.

Now – these interactions didn’t happen right away – I definitely blogged for at least six months with only my mother commenting, gently correcting most of my typos and spelling or grammar errors. My sister discovered Grammar Girl and gleefully pointed out my mistakes as well, which, as a younger sister, I’m sure delighted her. (I then hired her as my editor for my print projects, which probably made her happy as a clam–she got paid to point out all of my mistakes. Oh, life).

Starting small: creating a project, not a life (for now).

The other thing to remember is that some of my favorite websites aren’t by people who show up every week. You might not have the stamina (or the resources) to enter into a writing relationship that’s indefinite in its time frame or scope. In fact, I think that’s a terrible way to start. For people starting a blog, I recommend thinking of it as a “Project” and not a “Indefinite Relationship.” When you commit to a blog and say to yourself that you’re going to write every week for the next two years, the minute you mess up or miss a week, you’ve essentially failed the project. Who wants to be disappointed that they tried something?

The alternative is to create a project that you can do well at, by changing the parameters. Instead of promising an indefinite relationship, drastically reduce it in scope and start with a reasonable project that has a defined ending from the beginning. When you can close a project successfully and complete it, you’re much more likely to continue on to a phase two or phase three of a project, rather than let it taper off into the land of incomplete projects. You also change the feeling relationship you have with yourself—instead of creating an inevitable failure-situation, with resulting disappointments and twangs, putting pressure to show up in a way that might not be reasonable for you because of all of your various commitments–you’re creating a success situation, where you can end the project within a concrete time frame and still be very happy that you did it at all.

I recommend creating a project that says, “I’d like to talk about _[topic]_ in 4 posts, within the next two months.” Give yourself a start time, and end time, and a quantity. Specify a topic. Perhaps you want to blog about four fabulous meals that you cooked and created. Maybe you want to chronicle your science journey behind the lens of a microscope. Maybe you want to document your notes on a new class you’re taking. You could start a Tumblr with your favorite photos of doorways in your quirky city. The possibilities are endless, but you must pick one small one (and only one).

Don’t believe me? Blake Master’s compilations of Peter Thiel’s lectures is one of my favorite sites to read and there’s a fixed (static) amount of content – 13 lectures – accessible indefinitely for those that want to self-teach and read the series. He’s not adding more content. He’s creating great content and sticking it up in a place for people to find it.

What I find with myself–and others–is that if we start too big, we actually fail to start at all. When we dream the big dream of master projects and hundreds of photographs and best-selling books, many people fail to start because the dream is too big. I’m all for big dreams and goals–and relish in them, dance in them, and visualize them–but when it comes to the implementation, start with something small enough to do in a day or a week. Want to write a best-selling book or post? Start by researching your ideas, one at a time, in short posts. You can collect them later. In fact, the short pieces will serve as your building blocks for the bigger pieces.

Almost everyone I know that’s created something big started one, small, tiny step at at time.

Bottom line recommendation? Create a fixed, small project that’s do-able within a time frame of less than 3 months.

What about creating a community? How do you get people to read your stuff?

What is a community, anyways? Traffic is a collection of people “listening” or knowing how to find you and your new internet home. Traffic is built by pointing people, one by one, to the content you’ve created. Without arrows pointing in your direction (and that comes from giving people a way to find you in the form of an email, tweet, verbal share, facebook post, or link from another site as some examples), you won’t have very many people who accidentally stumble across your site. If the content is good, each person that sees it might share it with a few more people, and the site will grow slowly over time.

While I believe you should begin by sharing directly with your immediate colleagues and friends–emailing them to tell them you’ve written something; the absolute best way to grow traffic to a website is to write a guest post or article for a website that already has a built-in community or audience. It’s far easier than trying to coax one person at a time to your site. Scavenge the web for places that accept guest posts in your topic or area of interest, and spend time writing 2-3 posts that could be submitted at these places.

How big should your desired community be? Does it need to be a big community?

Before you jump into needing more traffic, however, I have many thoughts on how big a community needs to be.

The simple truth is that your story is important even if only one person hears it. Even if you’re the one who needed to write the story in the first place. We tell stories and share information to connect with other people, and your experience may mean the world to someone else, even if there are only a handful of people reading the site. Maybe the one person who reads your story desperately needs to hear that there’s someone else in the world like them, and you’re that person. Never underestimate the power of a small audience.

The best way to share your stuff is to think honestly and authentically about the work you’re creating and who you’d like to read it. Then, select a couple of friends and colleagues and send them an email that says, “I just wrote an essay about my experience with ____, and I thought you might find it useful or enjoy reading the story. I’m building my writing craft, and I’d love it if you would take the time to tell me what you think or if you thought the story resonated with you.”

Why traffic is not the same as community.

There’s a bit of pressure to garner a lot of attention and traffic to a website, and I think that only looking at the raw numbers misses the bigger picture. A lot of people get frustrated when their traffic count doesn’t seem as high as they’d like to be. While more can sometimes be better, it’s not (to me at least) about creating a site or a post that millions of people see. It’s about creating a post that resonates with a group of people that want to see what you’re writing about.

When you think about traffic, I believe that you first need to start by understanding your own personal goals. What do you want to achieve? Why is traffic important? What are your aims?

Why are you building your site, and your community? Is it documentation, analysis, understanding, connection? Who do you want to connect with? What are you hoping to achieve?

Does it matter if 20,000 people visit your site or that 2 people “convert”? Conversion is a term that indicates when someone has behaved in a way that you want them to–often measured in sign-ups or purchases. In the case of Landscape Architecture, where I work on projects that have 10-, 20-, or 30-year time frames, many developers and architects are clients that work with us on projects over many years. What this means is that we don’t need hundreds of thousands of people visiting our site (although that’s fine that they do)–our desired conversion (our want, our outcome), is getting the people who visit the site to connect with us and hire us to do incredible urban design projects around the world. If only ten people visited our website–but ten of our right people, developers or architects who want to hire us for multi-million dollar city-design projects or urban landscapes, that would be 100% a win.

For me, on this website, I am intentionally creating a space where first and foremost I get to learn and practice the craft of writing out loud. I simply LOVE storytelling and describing things to people. I enjoy it immensely when people enjoy what I have to say and engage in conversation about ideas or questions that I’ve presented.

I have grown this site by developing relationships with people one by one, and I’ve tried to take the time to answer almost every email that comes my way via this blog. Sometimes it takes me a week or two, and some weeks I have to shutter down and I miss a few – but for the most part, I cherish the interactions that have come from two years of blogging and getting to know people around the world who are interested in similar ideas. I believe strongly (and think we should all remember) that everyone on the other end of these fiber-optic cables is a human person and should be treated as such. Even in my writing, it’s not “my readers,” but lots of individual people forming a relationship with me (or my writing). A relationship involves two people! The more you can connect on a human level, the more you resonate—as a friend, as an author, as a creator, as a business person, as a marketer.

What does success mean for this blog? I started it as a space where I could think (through writing) about particular ideas I love–philosophy, psychology, motivation, storytelling, entrepreneurship and innovation, strategy. It became a place where I could connect (via ideas) to souls around the world who found resonance in what I was saying (and vice versa). I’ve met thousands of people through this blog, taught workshops across the country, found homes to stay in while traveling abroad, and had morning after morning of delightful coffee conversations with hundreds of people who reached out just to say hello.

I’ve built a small side business around this internet home, specifically by teaching writing courses both online and in person, coaching and consulting with people looking for someone to reflect and analyze their ideas or projects, and doing high-intensity work with folks who sign up for the Start Something Project that I built last year. One of the things people ask me for the most is to be their buddy while they build a project, and coach them along the way as they build their first project–I get it. It’s helpful to have someone there who can show you some of the ropes while you figure out what you’re doing. (Don’t worry–I take the training wheels off pretty quickly after one or two calls). But to be fair: I think you can do this all on your own.

Knowing your “right size.”

Interacting one on one, for me, also gives me huge value: I learn what people are working on, I develop new ideas for posts, I have “ah-ha!” moments where I understand how to describe something, and I get better at crafting things that are actually helpful. This post, in fact, is largely born out of a long conversation I had with a recent client developing her own blog and writing practice (thank you, for inspiring this post!).

One of the reasons I’ve been trying to “grow slowly” on the internet is because I want to develop real relationships with people, give myself space to breathe, learn and mess up, and also because it’s not about mass quantity. Do I want to be on the New York Times within the next few years? You bet. Would I like to write stories for the New Yorker? Absolutely. I also know that the best way to get there is not through a magic wand or sudden change, but through showing up, practicing, and moving forward on a consistent basis.

The other fallacy is that you need to have an audience of tens of thousands to make a viable business work. The reality is that the business you’re running might only need a handful of clients or customers. In fact, I might argue that having 10,000 people look at your stuff and only 10 people “convert” is poor efficiency.

To make a business work, you need to offer something of value to people who are interested, want, or need what you’re selling. I believe in business relationships that are highly satisfying to all parties involved—you learn, you grow, you get attention, mentoring, ideas, strategy, advice, review—and I also learn, grow, and cherish the working relationship and enjoy the service that I’m giving. To do my client work, I only work with two or three people a month as my “side hustle,” that is second to my full-time day job. In my recent writing course that I built, I’m not looking for 500 people; I’m looking for a small community of 20-30 writers interested in learning and writing in community.

How many people do you need to reach to make this business work? You don’t need 10,000 readers, you need the right amount of the right people–the ones who find high value in what you’re offering. To develop a community, you need to build the right audience for the product or service that you’re creating.

Perhaps there’s something to developing medium-sized communities or “tribes,” as other people call them. I love and cherish the people that I’m getting to know—and I’m constantly in awe of the talent, ideas, and personalities that cross my radar just because I happen to write stuff on the internet. I thank you.

As You Grow

Things change. As you build a space for yourself on the internet, everything will change, as things tend to do. I’ve always said that the first 1000 people will get a response, and as the community and shape of my work changes, I’ll shift my strategy to create a strategy that’s satisfying and pleasing in service of my best work for the most people that I can reach.

But before “growth” in the numbers or traffic sense comes growth as a person, and growth in your skill sets. Just as I’m trying as a novice in dance class each week, a tall gangly female of all legs who keeps moving in the wrong direction, building a writing practice and a craft takes practice. It’s okay to start small, and it’s okay to have just one essay at a time. Start with the right sized audience and a single essay, and go from there.

Resources I love:

There’s a whole world of amazing people and products on the internet, and you don’t have to start from scratch if you don’t want to. For an investment of $100 to $2000, you can find someone (or a couple of great lessons) to show you what steps to take and how to move forward. $2000 may feel like a lot, but most people who went to college spent about $5000 per class, as a point of reference. I’ve taken probably thirty-odd classes from $25 to several hundred dollars in order to learn more about all of these. (You get to keep the skills you learn, by the way.) Here are some of my favorites:

Enjoy:

  • Jenny Blake’s May Mastermind For Side Hustlers and Solopreneurs–If you’re curious what a mastermind is or how it works, her May “sampler” is a month-long mastermind group that focuses on creating optimized schedules, financial roadmaps, finding your ideal client, and building an action plan for your business. Priced at the ridiculously low $75, she said she’s offering this alternative class as a way for more people to access her programs (and to make it “impossible not to sign up”). Speaking of amazing content, Jenny’s Behind-The-Business blog updates are one of my FAVORITE things to read. She shares her process for building, creating, and all of the nitty details you wish someone would talk about, but rarely do. Not publicized as a blog, it’s probably better than most blog posts.
  • Think Traffic, by Corbett Barr, a website with tricks and tips and ways to build a blog (with traffic–if that’s your goal!). His product, Start A Blog That Matters, has been well-received and I’ve heard rave reviews.
  • Fizzle, another product by Corbett Barr, Caleb Wojcik, and Chase Reeves is an online community of business training and video training for $35 a month ($315 for the year).
  • Anything Danielle LaPorte, but mostly her latest, The Desire Map, as a way to discover your true desired feelings and help create a new way to think about goals and desires.
  • Tara Gentile’s MasterMind Group, 10 Thousand Feet–a coaching and mastermind group to “pull you out of the trenches and give you the big-picture view on your business.” Creator of the ‘New/You Economy’ movement, Tara gives wonderful no-nonsense business advice and I’ve treasured her speaking events and engagements. This one clocks in at her early-bird $1800 price, and it’s a 3-month intensive for people with new/early businesses who want a summer of focused, personalized work to build their work to the next level. Most small-group masterminds are at least $2000 or more, so this one’s a great value for those initiating businesses or in the earlier years.
  • The Live Well Space, by Suzannah Scully–I met Suzannah via Twitter (after a very public swim) and we realized that we were walking down the same street(s) in San Francisco. We both had heard of each other and wanted to know more. After a long and lovely morning laughing with tears streaming down our cheeks, we convened a fast and cherished friendship. Her blog channels yoga + philosophy + movement + strategic wisdom, and the focus of her work is on livingworking, and loving well. Her coaching work builds 3-month relationships with clients to unpack and restructure your life’s focus towards greater clarity and happiness.
  • New Minimalism by Cary Fortin–another soul sister whose creation rocks my socks off — Cary’s work looks at how less clutter and fewer things can bring more freedom and happiness to our lives, but takes the edge off of the extreme nature of many minimalist movements that trends towards absolute nothing. Believing that enjoyment and luxury can also be a part of simplicity and specificity, her new blog is a delicious discovery.
  • Hannah Marcotti’s Community Grace–I’m a few days late in sharing this, but Hannah’s lovely, raw, real community for women has periodic 30-day group sessions for a $49 registration fee to join in learning about blogging, growth, and community-building. I love and admire her work, and think you’ll love her blog if you haven’t seen it already.

My takeaways for you? Build yourself an “internet home,” even if it’s only to enjoy making something by yourself.

I’m biased–I think we should all participate in this new form of community space, this digital world where we can place our creations. If you’re wavering about creating something, let me be clear: I think it’s time for you to join in.

To make it easy on yourself, start small. Pick one topic or project that you’re interested in, and make a small commitment to create a collection of pieces–drawings, ideas, words, notes, stories, essays, paintings, photos, or other–around this topic.

Give yourself a deadline of 3 months or less (ideally one month). And finish it.

What happens? It gives you something to point to. It’s a reference point for the future. It’s a means towards executing your projects. It’s a way to start a conversation. And it’s a way to do the things you’ve been talking (or thinking) about doing.

And best-case scenario? You get to meet a few people along the way who like talking about what you’re doing.

It’s an incredible place. I hope you’ll join in.sarah signature

Bravery

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Bravery.

Bravery is showing up.

Bravery is saying what you believe in. Out loud. To the people who need to hear it. Even if that person is you. 

It’s having honest communication with your self, your teams, your communities.

Bravery is saying no when you know you need to. It’s saying no to the wrong things so that you can say yes to the right things.

Bravery is having the courage to quit when you know you’re on the wrong track, even if hundreds of thousands of people are headed in one direction. It’s knowing when the path you are on isn’t the one for you. It’s taking that scary leap, swimming upstream, or wandering down unfamiliar trails.

Bravery isn’t fun, macho, or full of gusto. It’s not always done in one big sweep.

Bravery is all the heroes in Boston, visible and invisible, local and global. 

Bravery is having the courage to stand out on social media and remind people to collect the dots, not connect them too early.

Bravery is saying something different and showing empathy for our peers around the world. It’s not jumping to conclusions too quickly. It’s remembering what we stand for and believing in the best of us.

Sometimes bravery is remarkable, unfathomable courage by the youngest and oldest of human souls who rush forward to help everyone and put their lives on the line to save others. The runners in Boston who kept running to the hospital to donate blood were Remarkable. Beautiful. Stunning. Incredible.

Other times bravery is calm, methodical. Sometimes it looks quite peaceful. Sometimes it’s shaking off the noise and clamor and distraction and realizing with simple focus that your next steps require you to take those steps and walking forward is the best and happiest way forward.

Bravery might not be visible to anyone else at the time that you’re being brave. Bravery might be broadcast on national television (but that’s not the point).

It’s showing up, little by little. 

It’s putting yourself out there, even if “out there” is pushing past your own mental barriers.

It’s deciding that now is a better time than later.

Bravery is bravery, even if it doesn’t look that remarkable to anyone else. You are still brave.

It’s continuing to press on, even when your stomach drops in fear, your hands shake in nerves, and you collect sweat in your armpits faster than fog droplets in a San Francisco “summer” day. It’s taking a step forward in the midst of whirlwind gusts of wind and shouting into the windstorm, I’ve got this, dammit! I’m still going to do it! I have to! 

My soul tells me I have to do this, and I have to listen.

Start small. (It’s okay to start with a bang, too, but small is still very brave).

Watch for the mental overwhelm, and give yourself kindness and space to freak the heck out (although maybe not publicly just yet).

Be very kind to yourself.

And also, remember,

in your quest for bravery:

In order to do something new, you often have to let go of something old.

The trouble with starting something is that it requires a different behavior than what you did before.

We are creatures of habit, yes, but we are also creatures of continuous change.

Spring is the perfect time for creative bursting, for unfolding, for the skin-shedding, cocoon-bursting metamorphosis that transforms you towards your next self.

The world is waiting for you to grow into the next version of you. 

Bravery doesn’t always feel like bravery.

It can feel like whirl-wind, mind-bending, all-changing upset, filled with unpredictable whims and whammies, stomach upset and nervous twitters, body aches, starts and stops, trial and error, and a whole lot of messy.

Sometimes bravery feels nauseating, overwhelming, scary, and downright hard.

It’s still brave.

 

A little insider’s story–my story:

When I opened the doors and launched my writing class last week, I was terrified. This was my brain:

What if I wasn’t ready? What if no one showed up? What if nothing worked? What if this dream of mine, that I’ve been working and crafting and creating for so many months past, resulting in a big giant internet wall of silence? 

Intellectually, I know that I can do this. I’ve been ready to do this for years. I’ve taught workshop after workshop and coached folks for years. I have a chart on my wall of the things I’m leaning towards this year, and the one big thing not lined up for the longest time was creating a course for writers. I can’t confess to understanding all of the reasons that I’ve avoided doing it, but I can speculate.

It means so much to me.

I knew deep down that I would do it even if only one person showed up. I would do it even if no one paid me the first time, and I would keep honing my chops and my offerings until I found the right fit.

That still doesn’t mean I’m not incredibly terrified. I get scared! Scared SHITLESS. My brain, many weeks ago:

What if no one shows up? What if I’m a terrible teacher? What if I can’t get it all done? What if it doesn’t work? WHAT IF NOT ONE PERSON SHOWS UP? What it I can’t do it on top of the work I’m already doing? What if this isn’t what I’m meant to do? WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF EVERYTHING???

WHAT IF IT’S ALL JUST WRONG?

So scream the fear-monster voices in my head.

Yes. They are there. I have them. 

When you get close to your dreams, fear can rage like a giant monster. Every thing that could go wrong seems to loom large. The website broke. I stayed up all night, nervous about prepping the materials. Funky characters showed up across my website. More things went wrong. Before launching the program, I waited for months. I studied stacks and stacks of books, compressing more knowledge into the course documents in order to make it even better. I stalled. And then stalled some more. I thought about not doing it at all. I almost said to myself, “Nah, one wants this. It’s not worth trying.” 

And then someone thanked me. People went out of their way to reach out and tell me how excited they were. 

Several more people signed up. The class started filling up before I had all my ducks lined up and my posts ready to go. (I have so much more promotion I’m planning on!)

In the form: “Yes. I’ve been waiting for this. This is exactly the class I want.” and “I’m so excited I cannot WAIT until the 29th!”

Holy shit. I’m so excited. And thankful. This is going to be good.

Today, with the class more than half full already, I could laugh away those fears and pretend with a big shiny smile that everything is all and well, but it’s not the truth. I’m scared, too. The fear monsters hit everyone. I don’t know all the answers. But I do love writing!

I’ve learned, slowly, over and over again, that the scariest part of doing anything is not doing it and wallowing in thought. 

And wrapping your thoughts around all those fears? That’s a scary space.

Be brave. Get started.

The best way to do anything is to do it. If you’re afraid of starting, make it smaller and simpler. Want to have a conversation with your boss about something you’re frustrated about? Don’t write a big report or delay on it. Write a quick, simple email that says: “I’ve got a couple of items I’d really like to talk to you about–including a couple of frustrations I’d like to work through. When’s the best time to chat, and is there a format that’s easiest for you?” Do it as soon as you know that you have to have this conversation. Stop by and say what you think. Look for solutions.

And be brave. I know it’s terrifying, I know it’s not easy, and I go through it all the time.

Be brave.

With big love this week,

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