Author: Sarah K Peck

Stop Gmail Overwhelm With These Two Scripts

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

How to find and send emails (without going into your email inbox):

“I’m having trouble keeping up with my inbox,” a friend wrote on Facebook, asking for email tricks and tools people loved.

I use a ton of email productivity measures, and I always forget that we all have vastly different habits and routines. Here are a few philosophies, notes, and scripts that are worth bookmarking to make your life easier.

Slow down and send less

I find the less email I send, the less I get. I also don’t mind if it takes 2–3 weeks (or longer) to respond to things. As I train people to know that email is a slow way to get ahold of me, it works out well.

Email is other people putting urgent things on your to-do list.

Time batch

I use Pomodoros to cycle through emails and either do 25 minutes or 50 minutes in the morning a few days a week. The goal of a session is to cycle through all the messages and identify the urgent and important ones and delete the rest.

It took a while, but I have no problem actively deleting anything that isn’t on my list or agenda right now (especially if it doesn’t come with an introduction, or the request isn’t a thoughtful consideration of time).

Then I star things according to urgency: red is now, yellow is soon, blue needs information. I make tasks for things in my Asana that need more lengthy follow-up, and I use a chrome tablet or links to search specifically for that message so I don’t drown inside of an inbox unnecessarily.

If you’re a Gmail user, try these scripts:

Also, I have two scripts I LOVE to use when I need to use my inbox during in the day, but don’t want to get lost in it. They’re fairly easy to implement (all you have to do is copy the code and save it as a bookmark), so you don’t need any fancy tools to make these awesome changes to your browser:

#1: Search for a message without opening your inbox

For the dorks among us, here is the script for a gmail ‘search’ button. To make it work, add it as a bookmark in your browser — just copy this code below (no spaces before/after) and add it as a bookmark for running a distraction-free search:

javascript:var search=prompt(“Search Gmail for…”);window.open(“https://mail.google.com/mail/#search/”+search);

For best results, add a label called “Search” and add it to your bookmark bar. Then, when you click, it’ll pop up a distraction-free window that lets you search for the message you need without seeing any new messages in your inbox.

#2: Compose a gmail message without opening your inbox

You can do the same thing with composing an email without going directly to your inbox. I use this script:

https://mail.google.com/mail/?view=cm&fs=1&tf=1

Which pulls up a full-screen compose window without any information about my inbox. Freedom! No distraction! Add it as a bookmark and use these instead of navigating to an inbox for every message you need to find or send a message.

Lastly, my go-to response:

Also, my go-to response that’s unbeatable is

“Thanks so much, now’s not a good time for me. If you want to circle back in a few months, we can try again then.”

This keeps my next 2–3 months very clear of unnecessary clutter, and 90% of the time people (sadly) don’t follow up. If I’m not that important anymore, great.

Sigh.

Email peace.

##

Huge kudos to Mattan Griffel for teaching me these email tricks (and more!) about productivity and pomodoros. Our work together at One Month this past year has been like an MBA in the making. Also, thanks to Victor Mathieux for prompting the conversation in the first place.

4 Key Phrases & Tools You Can Use To Influence Other People

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Have you ever wanted to shake someone and change the way that they’re thinking, working or operating? From every day team communications, to managing your relationships in your family, to navigating the increasingly intense political landscape out there, effectively communicating who you are and what you want can seem like a pipe dream.

We all know the person who gets everything he or she wants, seemingly effortlessly, without having to push or coerce. How does it happen? Why do some people stay calm and effective while other people want to yell and scream?

A few years ago, I worked with a few folks who were clearly very different than me — I liked to write and think by spending time alone; they loved to banter loudly in epic meetings that made my head hurt. I had to learn new ways of communicating effectively; learning to yell over people was not decidedly not effective and not the type of personality trait I wanted to cultivate.

But other than yelling or crying, I wasn’t sure what to do.

At my monthly #BossBreakfast in New York City, I addressed this conundrum with lady friends of mine.

(I have monthly breakfasts with power ladies that I love in New York City, and we call them #BossBreakfasts, a nickname my husband gave them after he found out what I was doing.)

We agreed that being a boss doesn’t always mean being … bossy.

It does mean being direct, straightforward, clear, honest, and having articulate boundaries. It means knowing how to get things done. And getting things done isn’t about power or force. somethings getting things done is about influence, persuasion, and collaboration.

Here are several key phrases you can use to influence other people — positively, of course.

Key phrases to use to influence others around you:

It turns out there are a few key phrases you can use to influence other people and get more of what you want — without yelling, bossing, or demanding.

“What ideas do you have for…”

If you want to get something done, ask other people for their ideas. Perhaps you want to change your office into more of a communal workspace, but you’re not sure how to bring up the idea of buying a giant farm table into the office. “What ideas do you have for making our workspace more communal?” Is something you might ask to your colleagues and peers to raise the idea.

As you point people’s attention to something you’ve been thinking about for a while, it’s possible that they will come up with the same ideas — or even better ideas — and bring the group to a consensus without you ever sharing your frustration.

Use the phrase “What ideas do you have for…” just before the thing you want to affect or change, and watch what happens.

“Have you noticed…?”

Another great way to bring people’s attention to something is to raise it as a shared awareness. “Have you noticed that the kitchen always seems so dirty at the end of the day?” — there’s no blame, yelling, or accusations. Instead, you’re on the same page.

“Totally,” your colleague might reply. “We’re always so slammed with work during lunch because of all of our broadcasts, that we never seem to remember to pick up.”

Ahh — now you know the reason for the problem. “Would it help if we hired a few extra hands to come in and work the lunch shift so it could stay clean?”

“Yes! That would be awesome.”

“I’d love your insight…”

People love it when you ask their opinion. I got a version of this phrase from The Muse, a website on work and careers. Instead of sharing exactly what you would do to fix something, instead turn the phrase around:

“I’d love your insight into how to handle this. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”

When you’re stuck and you don’t know how to broach a difficult subject, ask your colleague or client what they would do if they were in your shoes. Often by asking them to step outside of their everyday goals and objectives and understand your predicament, they can begin to understand why the problem is so challenging in the first place.

If there’s a limited budget and you’re running out of bandwidth to get everything done in time, you can tell your client what’s up. “The last project we had, we used two graphic designers and a freelance copywriter and it took us four weeks to get to final design sign-off. This time, you’re short a designer and don’t have any copywriters — I can stop work on the project to search for a new designer, but I’m afraid we might not meet the deadline. I’d love your insight for how to handle this. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”

This can be a tricky one to use effectively, but, when done well, you can bring two sparring people to the same side of the table, finding creative solutions to problems together.

And when in doubt, compliment.

One of the most effective tools of persuasion is through using words of affirmation. Find what your friends, colleagues, and loved ones are doing well and tell them. The more we affirm and compliment a behavior, the more likely it’s going to happen in the future. Negative consequences can only be so effective. If you’re finding yourself complaining or yelling more than you’d like, try giving everyone a compliment by the end of the day.

As a boss, go through your roster of employees and direct reports. Have you complimented them on their work lately? Reach out and tell them what you appreciate about them. Tell them what good work they’re doing.

There aren’t many people who don’t like a good compliment. Tell them how good they are. This is one of the most effective tools of persuasion, because the person you’re complimenting will be more open for conversation, and more likely to want to keep doing a great job.

The Creative Self: Why The Habit of Making is Essential

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

We don’t know if what we make will be any good. Whether or not it’s good is not the reason we begin. We begin because we must.

We practice because creativity is a practice. Showing up for yourself is a skill you must practice again and again and again, more than anything else you’ll ever do in your life. We don’t wake up with a new skill bestowed upon us in our dreams; we practice, practice, and practice more and each time, we carve out more ability in our hands, minds, and bodies.

Soul Pancake (the very one that features Kid President) and Unmistakeable Media reached out about turning a podcast I recorded with Srini Rao into an animated short piece. The video went live this week, and it talks about the essential art of practicing your craft.

Enjoy.

6 Ways to Improve Your Teaching, Public Speaking, and Presentations

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Speaking and writing are such gifts: they let you put together ideas, deep ideas, rich ideas, and share them with an audience. In a world of quick conversation and superficial conversation, books and well-thought out presentations can still carry the weight of an idea across rooms and minds.

It takes a lot of work to put together a great talk or a complete book (sometimes years or decades of research) — and this wisdom is often the distillation of hundreds of hours of research and thought. Networking conversations and even dinner conversations don’t always go as far into a topic or an idea.

Whenever I have the opportunity to share what I’m working on, I know that it’s an honor to have other people listen to my ideas and words, and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I want to be as useful and helpful as possible.

My friend Ryan recently asked me for my thoughts on speaking, presenting, and teaching, so in addition to all the advice that’s out there on the internet, here’s my take on what to do (and what not to do) to put together a powerful presentation. In it, I go into my process of preparation in more detail, if you’re curious.

1 — Find and establish your own sense of presence

Being present is very hard to do.

Our minds run forwards and backwards all the times; by some estimates, we spend four hours in daydreams all day, thinking about things that aren’t about where we are right now.

I’ve learned a lot about presenting and speaking from my training in swimming, yoga, and meditation. I used to have to memorize all of my lines and use note cards, and think a lot about what I was doing right then in the moment. Whenever I’m working through new material, as well, I’m less able to improvise and be present with the room.

As I’ve gotten better at presenting (with lots and lots of practice), I’ve started to be able to tune into the energy of the room, and channel the right ideas to match the people and the pace of what’s happening right in that moment. Some people call this idea “Flow.” I think that in order to get really good at something, and be present, sometimes you have to move through periods of awkwardness, where you’re learning and practicing. As you get better and better at it, you can become more and more present with the ideas in the room.

As my swim coach used to say, “we’re practicing this much so we can take the thinking out of it.” As you rehearse and learn your material, both physically and mentally, over time you spend less energy mired in the moment and more time in flow.

And then it gets really fun.

2 — Use silence and pacing wisely

One of the best things you can do as a presenter is slow down. My mouth moves at rapid speed, but it’s a kindness for the audience to pause and breathe during a presentation.

Just because you know the idea and you’ve worked with it for years doesn’t mean the audience knows it right away. Give them time to think, to respond, to reflect, to absorb. Sometimes the best part of your presentation are the moments when you’re not talking.

It takes a powerful presence to be able to stand still, without speaking, on a stage.

3 — Don’t rush through your content or skip over things

Often I see people get nervous that they’re wasting people’s time, so they start to rush through their slides and sometimes skip content. Don’t skip that quote! You put it in there for a reason. Read it, slowly, and enjoy it. Your experience of this moment is different than everyone else’s. Just because you’ve read it a thousand times doesn’t mean everyone else has!

4 — Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse!

Everyone has their own rehearsal techniques. Here’s how I rehearse:

I do a series of preparations that work really well for me. I spend a lot of time writing and organizing in preparation. Once I have a thesis, an outline, and a set of points I know I want to hit home, I put together my slide decks. In the beginning, my initial slides are all full of words — like an essay distributed across hundreds of slides. Over time, it’s my goal to move them all to images and visuals, with a few supplemental quotes or key phrases, and as few words overall as possible.

Some of my slide decks have hundreds of slides, with just single images on each one. It can take weeks of research to find great images to support the ideas I want to share. Once I begin to prepare the talk, I put my slides up and create a series of cue cards for the main ideas (usually 5-10) that accompany the talk.

Then — and this is my unique process — I use my slides to write out the story of the talk from scratch in Evernote sheets. It’s like writing and re-writing the stories and ideas in my head each time. I play with words and phrasing. I probably go through this process maybe a half a dozen times.

Each time I write, it’s like I’m putting together a thesis or a paper, and the more I work with the ideas, the easier the references and ideas stay with me.

Then, I perform it. I don’t perform it more than a week in advance of the talk (typically), because I want the content to still stay fresh. I’ll run through it two to three times as a rehearsal a week before, and then work through different pieces of the talk a few minutes each day. Two nights before, I’ll give the whole thing; the night before, I’ll rehearse again.

On the day of the talk, I don’t rehearse out loud. Instead, I flip through the slide deck and write the first sentence down for each topic with a few notes. I also do yoga, focus on my breathing and presence, and like to sit quietly without any noise or distractions. I’ll do a few vocal and physical warmups as necessary, and try to drink tea (not coffee) to keep my energy stabilized. Then I’ll get excited and go give the talk!

5 — Learn as you go: pick something new to learn with each talk

I’m always proud of a rookie, because you have to start somewhere. You might be bad in the beginning, and as long as you’re learning, that’s okay. I’ve made hundreds and hundreds of mistakes, and I’m still learning.

In my own practice, I focus on one new thing with each talk. It’s hard to think and perform at the same time, so I give myself only ONE new thing to focus on in each new talk. In one talk, for example, I spent my extra attention focusing on my arms and my hand gestures. In another, I focused on adding pauses. In another, I learned how to stand still.

Each time, you learn a new skill as a performer and add it to your repertoire.

6 — Don’t make this rookie mistake

There is one thing that makes me cringe, though, when watching a speaker.

Here’s the one thing NOT to do in your talk: what makes me frown is when someone doesn’t prepare, and then they say so on stage. I find that to be so disrespectful. The audience, filled with dozens or hundreds of people, has spent valuable time, money, and energy to get here, to be in this location, and to improve their lives by learning new things.

When someone says, “I just put this together last night,” or “I should have prepared more,” what that says is “you weren’t worth my time or attention to bother putting anything together.”

Here’s the trick: even if you prepared last minute, don’t SAY so. Get up on stage and deliver like you’ve been working on this for months.

You shoot yourself in the foot if you disrespect your audience at your opening, and even if your ideas are great, people will be less likely to root for you or to listen. Give yourself a chance and prepare as much as possible, and even if you’ve only had a few minutes, smile like you’ve been doing this for years.

And afterwards: how do you know you’ve done a good job?

I know I’ve done a good job when people come up to me afterwards and want to continue the conversation. A great presentation connects you to people in a way that’s purposeful. I’ve met so many people who have become great friends, both from watching them speak or from presenting myself. We get to see more deeply inside of each other’s minds, and initiate a rich connection.

It’s okay to learn, to grow, and to change. There’s a quote I love — “You don’t have to be great to start, but you do have to start to be great.” The most important thing is to sign up for your first talk as soon as possible. Don’t worry about being great. Do your best, and you’ll be surprised where you end up in five years.

Why We’re Lonelier Than Ever (and Why Marriage is Falling Apart), According to Kurt Vonnegut

Posted on by Sarah K Peck
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How many people do you interact with on a daily basis? Not online, or in your email inbox, but in real life?

What about during the week? I had to do a quick tally — (ten coworkers, my husband, a few close friends I see regularly, an occasional dinner or evening out), — maybe twenty to thirty people?

We live in extended networks of people, from families to churches to schools to organizations that we belong to. But how many of them do we actually SEE and interact with face to face in a given week

Kurt Vonnegut, an American writer and humorist, and author of 14 books, published a collection of graduation speeches he’s given in the book, “If This Isn’t Nice, What Is?”. In it, he covers in hilarious detail the simplicity of being human, the conundrum of being nice (“be more like Jesus,” he says, regardless of whether or not you think he’s God), and why we’re all suffering from loneliness.

It was so simple, yet so profound:

“Only two major subjects remain to be covered: loneliness and boredom. No matter what age any of us is now, we are going to be bored and lonely during what remains of our lives. We are so lonely because we don’t have enough friends and relatives. Human beings are supposed to live in stable, like-minded, extended families of fifty people or more.”

Do you have fifty people?

He goes on to talk about marriage, and why marriage isn’t falling apart because marriage is wrong, but because our families are too small.

“Marriage is collapsing because our families are too small. A man cannot be a whole society to a woman, and a woman cannot be a whole society to a man. We try, but it is scarcely surprising that so many of us go to pieces.”

So, he recommends, “everybody here [should] join all sorts of organizations, no matter how ridiculous, simply to get more people in his or her life. If does not matter much if all the other members are morons. Quantities of relatives of any sort are what we need.”

In a second speech, he goes on to elaborate on knowing the secrets to what women and men want. It’s remarkably similar to his story above:

“I know what women want. Women want a whole lot of people to talk to. And what do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.”

And men?

“Men want a lot of pals.”

I don’t fully agree with the simplicity of men and women being entirely different (nor do I believe that marriage is just about a man and a woman) — but the underlying point rings true: men and women want people to hang out with and talk to.

And the cause of fights in marriage? It turns out “what they’re really yelling at each other about is loneliness.”

“What they’re really saying is, ‘You’re not enough people.’”

We are born into our immediate families. It’s up to us to reach out, meet as many people as possible, and build our extended families.

Do you have fifty people?

Learning How to Meditate

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

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I finally achieved the badge for meditating three days in a row on the app I’m using to meditate.

To be clear, I didn’t know that this even existed. It took me 8 months to figure THAT out — or, depending on how you count, it took me 31 years to figure out how to sit still.

I want to share a bit of my journey into meditation and my discoveries about some of the misconceptions surrounding what meditation is. As I’ve begun practicing, it’s become a big part of my life. I also want to share how I built a meditation practice, and how you can do the same.

Meditation isn’t fancy

At first, I thought that meditation was this zen stillness, this otherness, a state of mind that people achieved in a ritualistic, spiritual way. It reminded me of the few moments I broke down crying as a teenager in church, that release and feeling of being something larger than yourself. Was it a feeling? An aspiration? A state of being?

It seemed elusive, strange, like something I’d never understand. Were we all chasing a blissful state of being that was seemingly just around the corner, out of reach?

And if so, why was it so darn impossible?

For beginners, and really, that means everyone — meditation is about learning how to sit still, how to breathe, and how to quiet the mind. It’s just like kindergarten, sitting on a carpet, cross-legged, and learning how to sit still.

For some of us (like me), this is hard to do.

It took me many, many years to find comfort in sitting still. The practice of asana (or yoga poses, designed to calm the body through both rigorous physical exertion and breath-flowing practices) is one of the eight steps on the path to meditation and mental calm.

So meditation is about stillness. It’s about sitting with yourself, and letting your thoughts wash over you, and learning to see beyond the immediate impulses of your mind.

It’s not fancy. It’s not out of your reach. It’s something we can all practice, and can probably get better at.

In fact, especially in the crazy-hustling city of New York and the world of hyper-connectedness, everyone could benefit not from “meditation” but from the simple act of sitting and breathing for ten minutes in quiet reflection.

And sitting still and meditating are remarkably similar, in fact.

Meditation isn’t done for pride

It seems as soon as we begin talking about meditation, a competitive edge comes out. Ego boasts forward, and you see it when people write “meditating for 15+ years,” on their bios. When we deal with the ego, like we do in meditation practice, we begin to notice how it sneaks up on us time and time again.

Meditation isn’t about shutting down one type for another, or comparing the number of years of doing it.

It’s for you, and your own mind.

Meditation is about slowing down long enough to pay attention to our racing thoughts and minds.

Yoga and swimming have been ways that I learned to meditate while moving. Meditation while sitting still, however, has taken me a long time to get comfortable with.

Sitting is often a very difficult part of meditation

For many people, sitting is uncomfortable — because we’re tight in our legs, hamstrings, hip flexors, psoas, backs, and anywhere else we can think of. It’s hard to sit still if you’re uncomfortable. In the beginning, sitting still by myself for a minute was excruciating. For six months, I adapted and tried listening to meditation apps while in bed in the dark, lights out. I leaned back in a semi-reclined position with several pillows under my head and back, and put a pillow under my knees to prop my legs up and let my legs release.

Often, I’d fall asleep.

(And that’s just fine.)

Learning to meditation is about cultivating stillness, and in today’s hyper-connected world, stillness is more and more difficult.

This is why we practice.

Guides, teachers, and apps (yes, apps!) can all support your practice

Your mind is racing, thinking, jumping from one thought to the next. We busy ourselves with thoughts, becoming those thoughts, following our impulses without a whim or a second analysis.

We’re mostly unaware of what our minds are doing; we’re subjects to our habits, at the mercy of the ups and downs of our minds.

Guided meditations, practitioners, and sessions can help. I highly recommend Headspace (The first ten sessions are free; then you can buy it for $10-$15/month, depending on your subscription). The guided meditations are perfect for me, and keep me just focused enough to not wander off. In addition, Andy (the mediation guide and creator of Headspace), teaches you all about what meditation is. Part of the confusion of getting started is not knowing what to do — he walks you through with animations and 10, 15, and 20-minute sessions.

It’s called a practice, not a destination, not a goal

Meditation is a practice. This year, my goal is to do 100 sessions, which comes out to about one session every three or four days. Even finding 15 minutes every few days can be hard for me to do.

It usually ends up that I do a streak of a few weeks with sessions almost every day, and then fall off the wagon for a few weeks. So it goes, and I keep coming back. Just a little bit, here or there.

My life reminds me when I need to get back, because I get sick, or tired, or sad, and I realize — huh, I haven’t taken time to rest my mind lately.

And I open up the app, and I start again.

We’re all beginners, and to practice is to learn

Meditation is about practicing a new skill, perhaps a skill your brain is not very comfortable with yet: for me, I had to learn how to focus my attention, to find deliberate concentration, to watch my thoughts without becoming them or reacting to them.

It isn’t a skill that’s learned in one day, or thirty days. It can take hundreds and hundreds of days, just like learning to play the piano or learning how to use the computer can take so long to train. And because meditation is often related to un-learning our unconcious habits and patterns, it can take a long time to feel like you’re moving anywhere. And that’s okay.

Some days meditation makes me so angry

Meditation is about becoming aware of what’s inside of you, not judging it or eliminating it. Some mornings it’s all I can do to sit through the 15-minute practice, and if I’m being honest, some mornings I get eight minutes into it and I just can’t anymore. I’m too itchy inside to get to my email, too hot and bothered by something, to ready to fire a response, to get outside, to get moving. As someone who loves to go-go-go, I am fascinated by how much I leap up and just get started — finding the peacefulness of sitting still is my challenge.

(In Ayurvedic terms, I’m Vata-Pitta, and I live in New York. So this makes sense).

And it’s still okay. The meditation app helps me notice. Notice, briefly, that I’m itchy and crawling and wanting to move, and carrying a body of emotions around with me, and that stress is building up, and I see it. It’s there. That’s what’s inside me.

That’s the whole point. That’s where I am right now. It’s just me, noticing. A new shadow or layer or insight at a time. These are the feelings that are swimimng around, within, on me. Here we are.

Where I began

I started trying meditation a few years after I graduated from college, and what I did was put a yoga mat next to my bed. In the mornings, I tried rolling out of bed, and sitting still on the mat, just breathing and counting. Some mornings I would count to ten, some mornings I would sit for five or ten minutes.

Through it, I started watching my morning thoughts rise to the surface. How was I waking up in the morning? What was I worried about? What had I carried throughout the night and brought to my next day? What was I going to get started on?

The simple act of paying attention showed me where I was, and how much my mind was racing.

Over time, I began adding more to my evening practice, and showing up to guided meditations at my local yoga studios.

Meditation helps me learn how to say no

Pausing and saying no to your impulses — an impulse to check email, to respond rapidly — helps me learn how to lean in to the bigger picture and say no more readily throughout the rest of the day. Even five minutes in the morning lets me relax in the day and lean back and say, “You know what? I don’t need to respond to these emails right now. They can pile up and I’ll hit them in a batch again tomorrow. I can be done, for right now.”

Email is a never-ending avalanche of requests that we’ll never be able to quell. As I’ve changed my roles and responsibilities in the various companies I work for, I notice that email comes faster, more urgently, and I can either panic and try to save them all, or I can lean out and recognize that this is just a stream of information, and do my best to go fishing in it strategically. No one ever died being happy they answered every email they ever got.

Meditation comes into my life slowly

The awkwardness of a new habit can slow down progress. For me, finding the place, the routine — it took a while. Did I plop a pillow down in our bedroom under the window? Or in a chair next to my desk? Or how about on the couch?

After sorting and stumbling around many iterations, I’ve found a few peaceful places that work for me. One is lying on my back, pillow under my knees, in bed. Why? Because I’ll actually do it, and that’s what matters. Listening to a meditation guide at 9PM as I’m nearing bed is a way to wind down the day.

My other spot is actually sitting against my dresser, pillow flopped from the bed onto the floor, back supported. Alex will leave and I’ll close the door, telling him not to come in for 15 minutes if he can help it.

Meditation became such a gift (and yet it’s still so hard to do)

It took a very long time for me to find the joy and peacefulness that other people described as happening inside of meditation. Mostly, it was frustrating for me, and I found that I got up after 2 minutes, 5 minutes, even 8 minutes into a 15-minute practice. Just a few minutes at a time was all I could do, and it took many months to get comfortable with that.

Practices ebb and flow

If I’ve learned one thing by studying the meta-patterns of my life, it’s that I work in quarters (or seasons), and some are more “on” than others. I fall into a rhythm of doing something for a few months, then resting for a few months, then reigniting a practice.

My practice is steady for a month or two, and then it becomes heavy, burdensome, or difficult — and I relax. And then I need it again. From writing, to connecting with people, to making progress on a project, to creating a meditation practice in my life, it comes and goes. With every ebb and flow, however, it stays a bit longer, becomes a bit more familiar.

Find a special place to practice

Buy a pillow, make a shrine, tell your partner or your roommates that you’re going to try sitting still for 10 minutes, and you’d appreciate being undisturbed. The first time is uncomfortable, or it can be blissful. Sometimes, you surprise yourself. Like any practice, the more you practice, the better it gets and the easier it gets. For the longest time I thought meditation was a fancy state of mind that I’d never be able to achieve.

Now I (think) I understand that it’s a practice.

Everything worth doing takes practice.

Life is all a practice, anyways.

15 Quotes on Meditation and Mindfulness From Jon Kabat-Zinn

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

I have a small (but growing) stack of wisdom books on my desk that speak to the human experience. One of them is Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book “Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life.” I’ve highlighted and re-highlighted both my digital and print copies. It’s simple, yet profound.

You are here

“When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking about right now, that’s what’s on your mind.”

“Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with.”

“Give more than you think you can, trusting that you are richer than you think.”

What is meditation?

“When we speak of meditation, it is important for you to know that this is not some weird cryptic activity, as our popular culture might have it. It does not involve becoming some kind of zombie, vegetable, self-absorbed narcissist, navel gazer, “space cadet,” cultist, devotee, mystic, or Eastern philosopher. Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing something about who that is.”

“Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are.”

Mindfulness is not some sort of cure-all

“I don’t know of any magical solutions and, frankly, I’m not looking for one. A full life is painted with broad brush strokes. Many paths can lead to understanding and wisdom. Each of us has different needs to address and things worth pursuing over the course of a lifetime. Each of us has to chart our own course, and it has to fit what we are ready for.”

What is mindfulness?

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of the present-moment reality. It wakes u up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth and transformation.”

“Mindfulness practice means that we commit fully in each moment to be present; inviting ourselves to interface with this moment in full awareness, with the intention to embody as best we can an orientation of calmness, mindfulness, and equanimity right here and right now.”

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On being exactly where you are

“You might be tempted to avoid the messiness of daily living for the tranquility of stillness and peacefulness. This of course would be an attachment to stillness, and like any strong attachment, it leads to delusion. It arrests development and short-circuits the cultivation of wisdom.”

“If we hope to go anywhere or develop ourselves in any way, we can only step from where we are standing. If we don’t really know where we are standing… We may only go in circles…”

And on spirituality

“Perhaps the most “spiritual” thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness.”

On darkness

“We must be willing to encounter darkness and despair when they come up and face them, over and over again if need be, without running away or numbing ourselves in the thousands of ways we conjure up to avoid the unavoidable.”

Letting go

“To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.”

“Just watch this moment, without trying to change it at all. What is happening? What do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear?”

And intelligence

“Intelligence is the door to freedom and alert attention is the mother of intelligence.”

These are quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Wherever You Go, There You Are. If you’d like to take a look at the rest of the book list, head over here.

What Are The Best Books On Life And Meaning You Should Have A Copy Of?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

On my desk, there are a few stacks of books that surpass the kindle test. While I am a huge believer in the beauty of physical books, I also put an equal amount on my tablet. But beyond the bookshelves and the kindle — among the thousands of books my husband and I read — there are a few books that creep past the stacks and find a special space on my desk.

What does it take to pass this test, and become a beloved book, a treasure?

And what books do I recommend more than any other?

There are a couple stacks of books, depending on the nature of the topic, that I think are relevant for people to read. They speak to the human condition, to what it means to have a mind and live a life, and they aren’t how-to books.

Business books only take you so far. What then? What do you make of life?

For me, it’s less about knowing the right answer at the right time (as most business advice books are apt to do), but rather, finding solace and finding my own way when I feel lost. Below are the books I have on my desk as my personal bible — there to open and reference, time and time again, to reassure me, to remind me of the bigger picture.

These are books that talk about the human condition, the bigger picture to which we’re all a part, the ideas of finding meaning, purpose, identity, and dealing with ourselves — as we are, right here and right now. I read them, highlight them, dog-ear them, note in them, and then pass them along. These books are treasured as physical beings, markers for my life, wayfinders for my journey into my own mind. I’ve included a few quotes from each that carry weight for me:

1. When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chödrön

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”

2. Man’s Search For Meaning, by Viktor Frankl

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“Don’t aim at success. The more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it.”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

3. Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”

4. Wherever You Go, There You Are, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

“The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.”

“Perhaps the most “spiritual” thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness.”

“Life on earth is a whole, yet it expresses itself in unique time-bound bodies, microscopic or visible, plant or animal, extinct or living. So there can be no one place to be. There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live, no one way to feel, no one thing to know or be known. The particulars count.”

5. What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, by Haruki Murakami

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

“The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.”

“So the fact that I’m me and no one else is one of my greatest assets. Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.”

6. The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer

“When a problem is disturbing you, don’t ask, “What should I do about it?” Ask, “What part of me is being disturbed by this?”

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind — you are the one who hears it.”

“Only you can take inner freedom away from yourself, or give it to yourself. Nobody else can.”

“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.”

7. The Bible —

While there are a lot of lines (or chapters) you may or may not agree with, and you might not be involved in the religion associated with the Bible, there’s something humbling about reading poetry and Psalms from thousands of years ago, and hearing the echo of humanity beat again in today’s world.

We are here.

8. A Return To Love, by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What would you add to this list? What books have changed your life, your mind, or your perspective?

What To Do When You See Someone Being Harassed

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

It was early evening, just after the sun set, around 7 PM on Fall night in Brooklyn. My husband and I were walking through the crowds outside of Atlantic Terminal.

I saw a young woman, walking alone, get approached by a man with a clipboard. “Heyyy!” he said, “Do you know about …” The sound drifted off, we were mixed together in the crowd. From a few feet away, it looked like he was another young activist, approaching street-goers.

Then something inside me perked up, started listening, alert.

“No thanks,” the young woman said, and kept walking. At 6’4” or taller, the man stood easily a foot over her. He strode quickly and looped around in front of her, placing his body in her path,

“What,” he said, more aggressively. “You don’t want to do this?”

His insults turned aggressive and derogatory. The clipboard began to look like a prop, a flimsy excuse for a street pitch of inappropriate measures. He was inviting her to something — propositioning her to join something? — and began saying more alarming things to her. My ears caught drift of a proposition based on her looks,

“You’d be perfect for this, you have just the right type of body…”

“You can’t tell me you’ve never done something like this before…”

Everything in my body said make it stop.

I looked over at the woman who was trying to walk, clearly uncomfortable, and as a pedestrian, from three feet away, I asked her:

“Do you know this man?”

No, she shook her head.

“Do you want him to leave you alone?”

She nodded, shielding her eyes from him. She was clearly trying to ignore him and walk away, hoping to avoid an altercation. Perhaps by not paying attention, she wouldn’t have to deal with it much longer. (I know this technique all too well.)

Hundreds of people were streaming by around us, oblivious, heading in their own directions, rushing in and out of Atlantic Terminal, headed on, headed home. There’s nothing like being lost in a crowd of thousands to feel helpless and alone.

I stopped and looked at the man and stood tall. “She’s not interested. You need to leave her alone.” I said, loudly, firmly. My tone takes on the same deep tone I’d use when giving a command to a puppy, or when setting a boundary that I need to make explicitly clear.

At first, he brushed me off and ignored me. He kept circling around, stopping the woman, getting in front of her, petitioning her.

“You need to leave her alone. She said no, thank you.” I said again, as clearly and loudly as I could.

“Whoa, whoa,” he said, stepping back slightly, looking at me as though I were inconsequential.

“Are you two even together?” He looked back and forth between the two of us, looking for confirmation of my involvement. He thought he was targeting a single woman, alone on the streets. Were there two of us?

Then he noticed my man to the side, and looked at him, “Wait, are you all together?” He looked dubious.

My husband nodded, not speaking. (He told me later he was curious why the man looked over to him first to find approval, male to male, versus listening to me. He didn’t want to speak up and voice power unless he had to — the real truth is in listening to women’s voices. I am grateful to him).

I looked at the woman and said discreetly, “Walk with us.”

We walked together for the rest of the length of the block, the main trailing, trying again, and then eventually falling off.

“Where are you heading?” I asked quietly. “Are you crossing up here?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Great, we’ll cross with you. Just keep walking with us.”

We walked together until we were out of the crowd and in the clear. “Are you all good to go on your way?”

“Yes, thanks.” she said, gratefully.

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Helping other women, other people.

Women (as well as men, but much more frequently women) are subject to harassment, unwanted attention, violence (and more) on a daily basis. This goes beyond just women and applies to POC, LGTBQ individuals, and many more groups of people not in power — but today, I’ll address women.

Please note: From my experience, this is what I’ve learned about standing up for people and becoming allies and advocates in a crowd. I am very open to conversation about this, for outreach, for comment, and to learn about better resources from people trained in what to do in situations like this. I offer the following as my own practice, for your consideration.

Also, it needs to be added: take care of your own safety first. Put your life-jacket on, so to speak. If you need help, call for help — shout “FIRE” or dial 911 for assistance.

1. Look around. Be aware. Notice what’s happening around you.

Be an advocate, an ally, a friend.

First step: notice what’s happening all around you. Just because it isn’t happening to you doesn’t mean it’s not happening. According to some statistics, 65% of women experience street harassment, and 20% of all women have experienced being followed. This isn’t a rare thing — this is a thing, that’s happening.

Our first step is to be aware. When you’re checking your phone or checking out on the subway, there are things happening all around you that aren’t wanted or welcome. People are harassed next to you every single day.

Once I started becoming more aware, I couldn’t close my eyes to it anymore. I started seeing it everywhere.

2. Ask the woman directly if she knows the person, wants the attention, or needs help.

Before standing up to the aggressor or escalating any situation, I approach the woman first. Ask them if they know the person. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they’d like help. It seems brave to reach in and defend someone, but first — check in with them.

Try it:

“Do you know this person?”

“Are you okay with this situation?”

“Is this making you uncomfortable?”

“Are you alright?”

“Would you like any help?”

In my opinion, the first person to speak to is the woman, not the aggressor. In my experience, make contact, connection, and stand as an ally (or accomplice) with the person who needs help. Let them know that you are here with them, and you’re here to help.

3. Say No, loudly, clearly, and firmly.

After establishing a connection with the person you are helping, — and this is up to you and your level of advocacy — say no. Say no, loudly, clearly, and firmly.

We don’t always set boundaries in our culture, and people think a “maybe” means “yes” and a “no” means “maybe.” Speak in your yoga voice or your dog-training voice. It’s not yelling, but it’s firm, it’s loud, it’s clear, and it’s direct. (Yoga teacher training and watching friends who are parents has taught me a lot about being firm and direct with your voice.)

“Sir/Mister/Ma’am — This is not okay. We’d like you to stop.”

“This is not okay. You need to stop.”

Repeat yourself if necessary. It’s okay for someone to hear the word NO. Sometimes it takes a few tries to have someone hear you.

When a man says something lewd towards a woman, feel free to speak up. “Not cool, man,” is good feedback if you see something inappropriate. “Hey, don’t do that, be nice!” is good feedback. Any type of feedback, awareness, speaking up, and helping is good.

4. Leave.

Do not stay around.

There is no need to escalate the situation, or make it worse. Aggression on aggression doesn’t solve the problem.

My aim is awareness, and to reach out and help those who need it. My prayer is that if ever I am in need of help, a passerby will step in and say, “do you need help?” This is the world that I want to live in.

Hearing “no” from someone can be disconcerting and uncomfortable. That can be enough of a disruption for someone who is typically an aggressor. Since you don’t know who they are or how they will respond, it’s not up to us to stick around and try to change their minds or force them to behave in a certain way (nor can we).

What we can do is help each other, and be very clear about what our boundaries are.

Final notes.

I can’t be silent anymore about these issues. It’s happening around us on a daily basis. Yesterday, I watched a grocery store clerk — my neighbor — get harassed by a drunk, lewd man.

I stood up for her using the pattern above — and the man, upon noticing me and hearing me, turned towards me and began attacking me verbally:

“You must be a LONELY ASS WOMAN,” he said, learing at me. “Why you gotta speak up like this, you must be SO SAD AND SO LONELY.”

“You probably have no one who loves you, do you.”

These calls for help, these shouts, this behavior is indicative of so much pain happening in the lives around us. There are deeper issues going on here, around sadness, depression, attention, fear, loneliness. He wanted to incite me, and I didn’t want to engage.

This is not the way to gather attention.

“Be Kind,” I said, loudly and firmly.

“I am asking you to be kind to your fellow human beings. I don’t like the language you are using and I think it’s inappropriate. Please be KIND to your FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.”

I could have stayed and asked the grocery store clerk to attend to the man.

Instead, I set the boundary, stood up for someone, and then exited, quietly. I never know if I’m doing the right thing, but I can’t be silent anymore.

I left the grocery store in the dark, 8PM on a Saturday night, and called my husband immediately. “I just stood up to an aggressor in the grocery store and I’m coming home, and I need to let you know he might be following me.” The man left the store and walked down the street towards me. I was two blocks from home, but turned around to be sure I wasn’t followed.

“Please come out and meet me,” I asked.

If Alex weren’t there, I had already identified several street-goers to ask for help, and picked out a local store to walk into if I didn’t feel safe going home — (it’s not always wise to have an aggressor follow you back home and know where you live).

Luckily, he didn’t follow me home, and Alex met me halfway.

“Alex — I can’t help it,” I said. “I can’t be silent about this anymore. These are big issues, but I can’t not speak up. I have to say something.

“I know that puts me at risk, but I think your wife is becoming an activist.”

What do we do?

There are deeper issues at hand (and mind), and I don’t want to fight aggression with aggression. The first step is awareness, the next step, I think, is some sort of action (or discomfort). I want to engage at the level where I alert everyone involved that (1) what is being done is not okay, and people can give loud, clear feedback about that; and (2) that people are here and willing to stand up for each other.

But where does it come from? The man was quite literally out of his mind, and looked as though he were performing a behavior that had be rehearsed over and over again, and had no clue (or awareness) of what he was doing. Was I right to intervene? What will happen next? Am I putting myself in more and more danger? Does it matter?

There are deeper, more difficult problems of anger and violence — of cultural norms that expect women to be invisible and silent, of a language that allows for violence in even the words we choose to use towards each other.

I am here, I am willing, I am learning.

We need to speak up.

I want to speak up.

Why Are We So Afraid of Having These Conversations?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

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A man jumped out from behind a subway pole at me while I was absorbed in my cell phone late this evening. I jumped, startled. He started to ask me about whether or not an F train was coming, and then, mid-sentence, said:

“Wait, why did you jump? Why are you scared?”

“Are you scared because I’m a BLACK MAN?”

I started to say, “Well, actually, you scared me because you jumped out at me,” but he shook his head and said,

“Man, why are all white people so afraid?”

I looked him directly in the eye and I said,

“You’re right.”

He stopped, said “Wait, what?”

“You’re right,” I said, holding his gaze.

I wanted to go into more. Talk about why I was startled, talk about how I (hoped) I was on the same side, that we needed to work on this. But we didn’t engage in a conversation. My admission of him being right shook him up.

He started laughing and couldn’t stop. Doubled down on the subway platform, holding his stomach, laughing at the fact that I told him he was right, white people are afraid of black people.

I’m willing to bet that very few people look him in the eye and acknowledge his truth — a truth that’s poignant for all black men. We jump to defense.

He looked at me and said,

“Damn, well, at least you admit it.”

“You know, I respect that.”

Why are we so afraid of having these conversations?

I share this because I think so often we jump into defense, into saying something else, into not wanting to be wrong (or worse, we don’t want to ever think or believe that we could “be racist.”)

There’s space, however, to admit things that are happening (and wrong) without having to also speak about individuals in particular being racist. It’s too soon, it’s too scary, and individually, we don’t understand the implications of what that would mean. What would it mean to admit that we’re all subtilely racist, or biased?

A deeper look at the research suggests that we already do have subtle biases ingrained in each of us, and that most people in the United States, regardless of color, are more prone to associate white people with words like “beautiful” and “talented” and it’s harder for us to match those same words with black faces. There is bias in all of us from our cultural and institutional upbringing, and it’s something we’re not speaking up about or owning.

(If you want to know more about this, research the “Implicit Association Test,” or watch this 8-minute video about how racism is still prevalent today to get an understanding of what institutional racism really means and why it matters).

But before that, even though I am diving into all of this, learning, discerning, crying, and being here — before that, I want to pause.

Because before that, there’s the simple act of witnessing someone in their truth, in our collective truth, in saying: “Yes, I hear you.”

And “Yes, this is a problem.”

And “Yes, we need to talk about it and do things about it.”

So much of human existence is a cry to be heard, to have someone hear you and finally say, yes — your truth is relevant. It matters. What you’re experiencing is true.

This is what Thich Naht Hahn sign says is Deep Listening, the art of listening so fully we let people release their worries, when we let people be heard.

I am hear, listening and witnessing.

I AM joining the conversation.