Rain Puddles, Big Splashes, and the Land Beneath Your Feet.

Photograph of the rain reflections by Courtney Warren.

Will it stop raining?

It’s raining in San Francisco and I’m so happy that it finally is. The rain has been following me across the country a bit–Dallas, Austin, here in San Francisco again–and while it makes a few of the plane exchanges a bit difficult, I don’t mind the rain.

The twitter feeds and facebook notes are full of grumpy notes telling the rain to go away, but I can’t help but think how much we needed all this rain. The snow’s been down in Tahoe, the water reservoirs are drying up, and the soil in the ground has been parched. We need to make up for months of missed rain. A week of non-stop rain?

Perfect.

I remember when we were little, four kids cooped up in a small house and on the rainy days our parents would scoop us up, put us in boots and jackets and take us outside just to get our crazy energy out of the house. At the time, it seemed our mission and obligation was to destroy the entire house in the name of fort building, dress-up parties, epic game days, modeling dinosaurs, and never cleaning up after ourselves. With the advent of rain, our disasters ravaged the house. And so, outside we went–rain or shine.

Strapped into red rainslickers, plastic ties holding down over-sized boots on our feet, donations and hand-me-downs from older cousins littered across our little bodies, we were walked down the street in the pouring rain to watch the water move across the streets, down the gutters, into the creeks and streams. Our job, our mission, was to find all of the rain gutters that had overflowed. Sometimes piles of leaves would collect in patterns at the drain point, and we’d kick and sweep and splash them out, reveling in the power of water and our ability to clear a roadway. During the heavy rains, we’d go over to the creeks and the city-built channels and drainage ditches and peer our little heads over the barrier, watching the water level climb below us. Brown, churning, moving quickly, the concrete edges pushed the water down in efficiency, speed, roughness. My mom pointed out the measuring marks on the side of the channels, noting how high the rain was.

“Can we come back, mom?” I pleaded. “I want to see if it gets up to eight feet! That will be a lot, right!?”  

Yes, she laughed, that would be an extreme storm event.

The next day, on the way to school, I’d take a detour to the creek  and peer over the edge to see if the water was moving quicker or slower that day. I’d keep track and at the end of the day, announce importantly to the family:

“Water level’s down to four feet! It’s running out!” 

“Where does it come from? Where’s the water from?” I would ask.

She would point up the stream, up towards the hills of the Palo Alto Foothills, and talk about the watersheds sliding down the hillside, collecting over time. I tried to wrap my little brain around it: water falling on the hillsides, building up, rushing down, sheeting sideways over the streets, into the storm drains. Why did it move so fast? Why was there so much of it, right now, and not any later? And did they oceans keep it, or did it just make everything get higher and faster? How did the water get back up to the top?

Such puzzles for such a little brain.

Beyond the visible

Beyond the visible, there’s the invisible: the hidden tunnels and pipes below the ground, the only clue of their existence the small gap in the rain gutter on the side of the street, the water slipping away from the surface into the unknown. How do you know what goes on beneath the streets if no one ever shows you? Around the corner from our house, one of the storm pipes was notoriously poorly made, as it seemed the engineers must have arrived at the final connection, looked at each other and said, “Screw it, this one will run uphill,” and left it for dry. Every rainstorm would promote a giant watery backlog: and for us, then, in the child’s mind, it was the best adventure of all to see the street fill with water.  We stomped and splashed our feet through the giant, dirty puddles.

It takes a nudge, a spark to see what’s not seen, to think about what’s hidden beneath the surface. This rings true in psychology, in imaging, in branding, in marketing, in the people around us. It’s a question about peeling back the layers of what you see to figure out what’s actually going on.  The more you discover, the more you realize how much is happening beneath the surface, where only your imagination and investigation can take you.

Sometimes you need someone–like your mom–to watch you play and skip and invent new worlds inside of giant temporary street puddles, to gently point out to you the gutter and prompt the question to your 5-year old self: “Susan, Sarah, do you know where that goes?”

Incredulously, we’d think about it, stopped in the middle of a giant-puddle-SPLASH-event of our little feet’s superpowers. The water that was slowly disappearing—where DID it go?

“Well, mom, I don’t KNOW! Where does it go?” My wide-eyed little face said.

It was certainly confusing.

New Orleans, Lower Ninth Ward, 2007.

The invisibility of landscape

The invisibility of landscape, the way that it works, where the water goes, how we create worlds that work–these are the systems at play, often highly complex and largely invisible to the untrained (and even trained) eye. This is what I’ve been working on with the landscape urbanism project: telling the stories of landscape and architecture in ways that make sense. Understanding how the world works, how we got there, and what we can do differently and better with the resources and cities around us.

For the past few months two dear friends Nicholas Pevzner and Stephanie Carlisle have been putting together the third issue of the landscape urbanism journal.

Nicholas is a designer with Michael Van Valkenburgh Associates in Brooklyn, the firm that is building the new Brooklyn Bridge Park. In his spare time, he teaches at Penn Design, and in his extra-spare time, we write together for Landscape Urbanism. Stephanie, a co-editor of this meaty, dense, critical and pertinent third installment, is a researcher at KieranTimberlake in Philadelphia and previously a graduate of Yale’s school of Architecture and Forestry. I’m amazed and inspired by their brilliance. In putting together our third issue, their collection of essays looks critically at how this world works, and whether or not what we’re doing—designing the land that we live on, working with the earth, creating new patterns for cities—matters.

It’s funny–long before this writing adventure together, it was actually yet another water-based adventure that made us cross paths.  The flooding and hurricanes of New Orleans in 2005 brought the three of us together where I first them on a trip to New Orleans to help build, re-build, and clean up. From painting churches to building compost bins to helping repair damaged pianos, our time and labor was used to rebuild after Katrina. One day I found myself elbow-deep in dishing out free food to people who had lost everything, and in the heat of the south, Nicholas and Stepahine and I stood on the back porches of the community shelter, cleaning dishes, scrubbing, cooking, and talking.

Seeing the hurricane-ridden landscape first-hand impressed upon me again the need for both systemic change as well as better long-term planning that includes disaster preparedness and values resources appropriately. We need to build cities and places to live that work, not just during the good times, but during stress events. Many of our cities and homes are built upon highly fragile systems that won’t withstand large social, economic, political, or environmental upheaval. It brings me back to this idea of the hidden, the invisible, the unseen that we still need to pay attention to, to recognize, to think about.

This is what planners and designers do.

They say that the things most prevalent and obvious in our lives are the things we overlook the most: people, ideas, health, jobs. What we already have. It’s only through dissonance, through tension, through uncertainty that we find out what we’re grateful for already having.

Landscape is so prevalent in our everyday, regular lives that it’s become invisible: something we all walk on top of, live within, and take from–and yet our culture seems to have no concept or appreciation for the value of the land, save for the economic pricing of development and the business opportunities in real estate. I fear, at times, that our concept of “design” and “planning” have strayed so far from meaning that we’ve found ourselves drawing fancy circles and triangles and talking in jargony-architecture-jibberish just because we’re afraid we might be found out: that maybe what we’re doing isn’t really doing anything. Yes. I’ll say it.

They say that the way people talk about you conveys their knowledge of a subject. Culturally, publicly, the way we see landscape is as small, isolated boxes and gardens, as green shrubbery tacked onto strangely-clustered office buildings, as oceans and villas and vistas. Is that a problem of public misperception or a problem of miscommunication? I’m starting to think it’s the latter: we desperately need designers who can write, who can tell stories, and who can describe what’s going on in the world in a way that makes sense. If you can’t explain yourself to someone else, it’s usually not because the person you’re talking to is an idiot. It’s because you’re not doing a good job telling the story.

I’m not done writing about this, and I’m not done thinking about this. I would love to be wrong: what I’m more afraid of is being indifferent. What’s the famous quote? “I’d rather struggle and try and fail, than live all of life with the timid, never having even tried.” Something like that.

And so, I’m standing outside in the weather, breathing it, living it, thankful for the rain and doing my own version of a rain dance, grateful for the weather that soaks us. My hands up and out, my boots are soaking in the rain, I’m watching new friends get drenched by torrential downpours, and I’m hoping that everywhere people are laughing, dreaming, and thinking about the beauty of the watery substance that makes our earth melt, fold, shift and shape.

I’m thankful for a blog that lets me explore ideas, ramble, talk. I’m grateful for writing, for storytelling, for a never-edning desire to learn. Let’s look for things unseen.

Laugh in the rain, stop, and stomp a puddle.

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The “Working Vacation” or How I Briefly Escape From Insanity

I’m on a slow retreat, one in which I escape–although not completely–from the working world. I’m taking a long weekend in Catalina, off the coast of southern California, to spend time with my family, catch up on writing, and slow down on the work-crazy that sometimes takes hold. (Okay, fine, it takes hold all the time.) I’m grateful, excited, and so joyful to be pausing for a minute to let my writing, reading, and exercise dreams expand to fill the day in its entirety. I am thankful that I can do this… in fact: I really could get used to this… 

What is a working vacation? Sounds miserable, you might think. I’ll try to explain…

A working vacation

This morning, I got a note from a colleague, for whom I’m working on a presentation outline. I sent her a brief note that I’d be delayed in my presentation outline, asking if she would mind if I got it to her next week–and I confided that I was taking a working retreat to vacation and regroup, and to spend some time writing and observing. I worried for a bit that she would be upset by my lack of work ethic, by my missing the deadline–all worries I made up in my mind, naturally. Yet instead, she wrote back:

“Enjoy the space between work and leisure–it is a great place to work on big ideas. I’m looking forward to seeing yours.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s not about not working, per se, but taking myself out of context of everyday work, back and forth, to explore, dream, reflect, and think big. It’s when I play big, a phrase that Tara Mohr talks about, which I LOVE. It’s when I have the AH-HA! moments on the top of the mountain, when I shake off the insecurities and the banalities, when the frivolities of life ungrip themselves from my psyche, when I find that I’m no longer scurrying around in a HUGE FAT HURRY, cracked out on adrenaline and worried about getting everything done. In it, I realize that, YES, YES, I want to be working on these things, YES, what I’m doing is fun, and wow–my job is cool. More than that: what I dream of, create in my own space–these are projects worth pursuing.

Taking time off is so important as part of my process that I’m certain I wouldn’t be capable of the work that I do without regular, intermittent breaks. I’ve written about how the strict 9-5 doesn’t make sense to me, and I still agree: you need to work in the way conducive to greatness, not in a way prescribed by archaic remnants of past industrial societies.

I confess, too, that I sometimes hate posting the routine pictures on social networks of the “vacation,” where I look like I’m doing nothing all day, because it doesn’t capture, for me, what a working vacation really is. I’m as guilty as the rest of us (Oh, how I love photographs and pinning things on pinterest!) But I digress. I vacation. I retreat. 

It’s about big ideas. It’s about balancing movement and reflection with learning, consumption, and creation. And here on the island, scribbling in my notebooks, I wrote this in a long-form message to one of my friends: “I like to ‘fill up’ from inputs  such as reading, people, learning, studying, and then LOVE taking time to process, reflect, and percolate… mostly outside, in this crazy-beautiful world we get to live in.”

Because it is crazy-beautiful. We shouldn’t miss it with our heads down, cramming behind desks, adrenaline surging from the latest reprimand or arbitrary deadline.

No. It’s not about this.

It’s about taking time to live the balance that I crave, and really put into practice, now, the ability to be flexible, to work from anywhere, to change it up, to produce, create, and enjoy. To create moments of wonder and awe, and balance and love. To live.

How to take a working vacation

A working vacation, my definition: Taking a leave of absence from your current life and packing only the components that you want to bring, in order to be productive, inspired, relaxed, and restored.

Here are some rough notes about a working vacation–what I do, and why it works for me.

Leave your current context. Find somewhere new to go and set up shop. Go somewhere new. Some weekends in San Francisco, I’ll take a “writing vacation” and unplug from the internet, hole up in a favorite coffeeshop with my laptop, and work three back-to-back four-hour stints and just read, write, and write. The last time I did this, I wrote more than 15,000 words in a weekend. Exhausting? Yes. Exhiliarating? Completely.

Spend more than half the day away from the screen. For the better part of ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY, computers and sitting have not been a part of it. The greatest thing about vacation is that the computer seems less important, less toxic and controlling. Somehow, in the sounds of the rolling ocean and the vistas on the mountains behind me, the computer seems somewhat small and unimportant. I can’t help but get up and move around throughout the day. In an office, my patterns and habits become ingrained, and I forget that 10+ hours a day at a desk is not healthy or sane.

Find things to say No to. I’m on vacation from my full-time job–yes, vacation hours were used–and I told my colleagues I’d be in email contact for a few hours a day, but put up a vacation responder to remind folks that I’d be mostly out of touch. My personal rule? No more than 2 hours of work-related tasks per day. When you’re in the middle of coordinating big projects and deadlines, and pushing ideas forward, it can be hard to leave and carve out time for other projects. Sometimes it seems impossible. For me, the most important thing is leaving my desk behind and being clear on communication with my team that I’ll start back up again when I return next week.

Okay, so you should also plan a little in advance. It’s helpful for me to plan in advance (cue: when responding to people and coordinating life and projects, include a line that says, “I’ll be out of touch until Monday, but I can get back to you next week”). When saying No to things, I cue people in to when I’ll be available so I don’t leave projects or teams hanging.

Pack only what you really want to bring. This is critical. Leave the crap behind. Go on a vacation from obligation. Leave your unfound worries at home. Shirk some of your responsibilities, if you can. I said “No” to several projects and put them on hiatus to make space for other projects to have the full attention of my day. Often, I get so buried in the menial tasks related to organizing things and people, that I forget to carve out time for idea generation and creation. I set up an auto-repsonder on my main email accounts related to work and duties, and said no to bringing obsessive email with me. Instead, I packed 7 books I want to enjoy reading by the oceanside, a notebook with outlines for book ideas I have, a list of essays I’m working on, and two binders with my current projects that I want to catch up on.

Set goals. I love small time frames with clear goals. Even some weekends “Have no goals, except enjoy yourself!” This weekend, there are three big projects that I’m working on that I need to make space for, and have been impossible to finish in the wee hours of the night when I get home from my full-time job. Design projects; writing ideals; unfinished essays. When I started this long weekend, I set a project goal for each day, outlining the three major milestones I want to accomplish while here. Will I go on long bike rides? Absolutely. Jump in the ocean? (Um, have you met me?) Will I spend an hour in the jacuzzi bouncing ideas around late at night with my family? Of course. This is all part of it. And for several hours in the mornings and again post-dinner, I’ll be tackling these big projects because I want to. And I can.

Move. I have a personal head-over-heels relationship with fitness, movement, dancing, prancing, swimming, running, and all things movement. I think our bodies are marvelous, wonderful things, and the greatest sin of our lives is to waste them away by sitting behind screens. Vacations should be rejuvenating to the mind, soul, and BODY. Get out for a slow hike, a walk, a stretch, a paddle, a jog. My dad calls his running “happy trotting,” — this is your happy pace. Your place where it’s comfortable and fun, and where you walk when you want to walk and stop when you want to stop. But by all means, move.

But don’t take my word for it–Richard Branson says the most important thing he’s done for all of his productivity and success is to work out every day. Countless articles on fitness and health say that moving, walking, standing, stretching and meditation are world-changing for your productivity, success, and long-term health. One of my favorite outdoor fitness programs in San Francisco talks about why movement is important for life: “When people start to move around with others every day, they start to get a sense of what they’re capable of and what they’re built for.” Yes.

Make a dedication. On this island, the sun rises in the east over the Pacific, a luxury not experienced on the mainland of the States. When I wake up in the morning, I walk outside and greet the sun and the day, sleepy-eyed, in my pajamas, and I make a dedication to myself, to this process, to the projects, and remember how grateful I am to be doing all that I am doing. It involves a big stretch, some toe-touches, and a happy smile, among other things. This weekend, I’m dedicating to observing, watching, and rejuvenating my creative spirit by balancing playfulness with ample time for creation.

On a personal note, my goal is to write at least 1000 words every day in March, mostly short stories and explorations. I’ve been remiss in writing lately and it affects everything else I do. Or, as this excellent NPR article covered earlier this week–what you’re holding in your unconscious brain is actually killing you. Let it out. Take this as a cue that writing soothes and restores your soul and keeps you healthy. It’s not a hobby. It’s a necessity.

Hopefully these notes help you. Sometimes a weekend away, a day off, is really what your soul needs. Listen.

End note: Don’t miss out, or When I give in, I lose. 

I’ll close with a short story that crossed my mind while climbing up a hill earlier today on a big bike–a two hour hill that challenged my leg strength quite a bit. It was 3 PM in the afternoon, and I was a bit weary of reading and writing, and the lazy slump of post-afternoon stress started to inhabit my mind. I hadn’t worked out that well in a few days and my cells were starting to feel sluggish, lazy, full and fat with unused glucose molecules. I looked at the couch. I could just sit here for a while… I thought to myself. I had told Carol that I’d go on a big bike ride with her in the afternoon. My mind said, you know, you could just do it tomorrow.

But I knew, somehow, that I had wanted to do the ride, and that I would still like to do it. But getting over the sluggish me is not easy.

I should go, I thought reluctantly. Carol quipped: Stop thinking! Let’s just go! So I put on my helmet and we started up the hill. Yes, it was hard. And then, within thirty minutes, we pulled around the corner of the first hill and I saw this:

I grinned. I realized that I had, once again, almost canceled on a beautiful ride because I was afraid of a little hard work. We continued up the hill. How could I have missed this? Skipping out on a little hard work–a tough hour on the bike, pedalling, something which we are all capable of, and missing out on the views, fresh air, sunshine, and satisfaction? My brain is crazy! She is crazy, I tell you! And I realized:

In general, if I talk myself out of doing something, I like myself a little bit less.

Every time I concede to the monkey brain, I lose.
My brain is wired to keep me safe, to protect me from danger, to want to fit in with the crowd. It wants me to keep me from hard things. I have to fight this.
Because doing things, exploring, creating–this is life’s meaning.
Living with others, loving, having meaningful relationships. This is it.

So fuck the monkey brain. Do it anyways. It doesn’t know what it’s talking about all the time.
There’s a lot waiting for you if you’ll let go of the nerves, reluctance and fear.
And if you skip out on an opportunity, you lose.  

If I listened to it unwaveringly, I would miss out on so many opportunities for wonder, growth, and exploration.

To live is to work, and to love.

Paraphrasing the distinguished quantum physicist, Freeman Dyson, in an article from the Economist:

“To be healthy means to love and to work. Both activities are good for the soul, and one of them also helps to pay for the groceries.”

Yes.

I is for Integrity.

I was asked to write about Integrity as part of Molly Mahar’s “Blog Crawl” on self-love this February. Today’s post is part of Stratejoy’s The ABC’s of Self Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt. Molly’s series is part of her bigger program called The Fierce Love Course. I had a chance to meet with Molly in San Diego last fall and see her amazing work first-hand, and I was delighted to be picked to post as part of this series.

I is for Integrity.

“Integrity is not achieved, attained, or accomplished. Integrity, like character, is built through quiet persistence, a structural consistency in all that you say, do, and believe.” 

“To have integrity is to believe fully in your soul, and your being. It is to act in accordance with yourself, and accept nothing less.”

Continual Motion.

I’m sweating. Breathing hard. I’ve got my leg over my shoulder, and my knee is creaking. My hand is slipping, slowly, against the rubbery mat surface and I can hear seventeen other students also breathing hard. I’m trying to get into a new space, move towards a new pose in my yoga class, and I can’t figure out if I’m going to be able to get there today. Leftover alcohol and chlorine equally permeate my sweat, and I curse having spent a week and a half doing nothing – why didn’t I say in shape? – I mutter. I forget it, letting the thought slide out of my brain easily. I’m here now. This is good. This feels good. But bad. Good lord, does this feel bad. Awful in a stretching, pulling kind of way. Unglamorous.

I drop my head, lifting my left hand quickly off the mat to wipe sweat from my face. Drops fall from my face to the mat, making it more slippery, less sticky. Damn.

And my leg slides, centimeters, stretching again, and all of a sudden I can point my toes. I feel it, a balanced, taught centeredness, muscles working together. My hands are aligned below me, my chest is centered squarely above me, my bones stacking neatly, my legs pointing towards opposite walls.

It’s graceful, but exertion doesn’t stop. Sweat keeps dripping. I’m still moving. I’m either working towards the pose or relaxing, dropping from it.

Movement, the teacher intones. It’s all about movement. You’re constantly moving, constantly shifting, always realigning and re-centering.

Yes.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.”

Commitment.

We made a commitment at the beginning of class, a small devotion to ourselves and our practice, and we chose a phrase or a word to stick to for the night. A set of words to recall when our brains freeze in mindless chatter, when our thoughts dart outside of the room and into the future or past, worrying needlessly about all things could-have and should-have and might-have and would-have. The words bring our loose cannons back to alignment, briefly, like five-year-olds in a small class, restlessly bopping about while waiting for lunchtime.

My commitment, my word, my phrase – how do I pick a word? I mused over independence, over writing, over being, over gratitude. My frazzled brain did it again, tumbling through a thousand thoughts, looking for a life-line and a mantra to relax into. Words float in: blessings, health, kindness, of being kind and grateful for everything, of releasing the relentless pressure I build up in myself to achieve and to do and to be. And then I my mind, like my body, stumbles onto a phrase that settles nicely in my mind, a gentle kindness that pulls towards a longer form of being, an integrity. “Move towards,” the voice told me: “Move towards your goals. Move towards integrity.”

Movement, this idea, resonates: there’s no need for a valiant, chest-puffing stake in the ground, a moment in time that says, I WILL DO THIS! As though now that I have shouted it, it is and it will be! (Insert multiple exclamation points). It is quieter, more peaceful, more consistent. It’s a set of actions, a layered being, a nuanced commitment to yourself over time.

Moving towards integrity.

“Character is not what you say, it is not what you boast. It is what you do when no one is watching.”

What is integrity? 

Integrity is knowing what you stand for. It is showing consistency in your actions and having a soundness of moral character. Integrity is doing what you say you’re going to do, even when no one is watching.

Integrity is being accountable to yourself.

In buildings, structural integrity means that the building will stand up – that the components, the joints, the system at play is sound and built well; that it won’t deteriorate or break down over time. It is a consistency and standard of excellence in engineering.

Some definitions include “the state of being unimpaired; soundness,” or another: “the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.”

 “ You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do” – Henry Ford

For me, integrity is living up to my expectations of myself. It’s upholding both my thoughts and actions; it’s  behaving my best, even during the worst situations. It’s going to the gym, even if I don’t want to, because I made a commitment to myself. It’s planning ahead, giving someone grace when it’s due, it’s standing up for myself, it’s for chasing after your dreams even if no one else knows what you are up to. It’s believing in yourself and your dreams, and holding yourself accountable for acting in accordance with the best that you can be.

The opposite is also true.

We’ve all screwed up. Royally, beautifully, messily, fantastically. If we were perfect already, I suppose that would be boring. We mess up. We’re human. The difference is in how you decide to behave. What you choose to do before, during, afterwards. Whether or not you are capable of repairing a situation.

Integrity is not a stake in the ground. It’s not a goal that’s achieved. It’s a consistency of action, over time, that builds in what you say, believe, and do.

You’ve probably encountered situations where someone or something lacked integrity.

Perhaps it was you.

I’ve been there.

Last year, in Paris, traveling with my sister, I found one (of many) weaknesses in my character through exploring new settings, circumstances, and places. In particular, I found I had to question my ability to make decisions and what I thought was true about myself. I got beautifully, horribly conned in Monte Martre, duped into doing something, and I was rattled by the change in my behavior in the given context. More alarming than losing dozens of Euros was the red glaring flag hitting itself loudly against my conscience:

Do I really make good decisions? Am I what I think I am? Or am I actually just all talk? I babbled as such to my sister as we walked up to the top of the Sacre Coure, wondering how I could have wandered down a spiral of decision points that led to very silly—and alarming—behaviors.

Yet all was not lost: dissonance is good. Dissonance reminds us when our behaviors and actions aren’t in line with what we believe to be true about ourselves. Moments of discomfort tell us when we’re not behaving in accordance with who we truly are. The act of testing, of being, of doing–these are the moments that matter.

You’re not perfect. You’ll mess up. I’ve found that time and again, I test my integrity and sometimes fall short. Each time, I have to stop and analyze, wondering: what am I? Is this what I want to be? Do I like this?

Why does it matter?

Does it matter? You can brush it under the rug, sweep it away, think, “Oh Sarah, who cares!” – but it matters. It’s not about what other people think, say or believe about you.

At the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live with you. You’re there when you wake up, when you breathe, when you think, when you act.

I’m the one who has to sleep with myself at night; I’m the one who wakes up when I can’t stand how I’ve behaved; I’m the one who runs away from my emotions at times. It’s all just me.

And at the end of the day, if you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?

If you don’t do what you say you will—not for anyone else, but for yourself—then you lose trust in yourself. If you can’t keep your own word to yourself, and do what it is that you say you’re going to do, then what good is your word?

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.” –David Star Jordan

What does integrity look like? What does it feel like?

“I never had a policy. I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.” – Abraham Lincoln 

The things I’m proudest of aren’t the big goals, the declarations, the accomplishments. They are perpetual works of art, things I’m continuing to move towards. A quiet integrity, the knowledge that each action is cumulative, and that with each effort, exertion, breathe and stance, I’m working towards becoming what I say I want to become.

And from yoga, standing next, upright with my leg straight out, foot held in my hand, my upper thigh quivering with tension, my hamstrings stretched to their maximum, my opposite leg shaking silently in exertion. This is the act of standing, of balancing, an act of perpetual motion. Of persistent strain. Of forces, acting in opposition, continual moving back and forth against each other.

Tracy Chapman plays in the background: “… All you have is your soul,” she sings, deep and rich. She’s right. You’re all you’ve got. You know what you are capable of. And you know when you don’t live up to what you could be.

The most beautiful poses in yoga, in life, in being–are actually those of endless motion, of shifting and moving and realigning. Even in the long stretches, the folds and the bends, the fibers in our muscular systems shift and lengthen, releasing millimeters, day by day, until one day we wake up with our face against our knees and wonder,

Well, shit.

How did I get here?  

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This post is part of Molly Mahar of Stratejoy’s “Blog Crawl” for self-love this February. Find out more about The ABC’s of Self Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt here. Check out the previous authors and their thoughts on self-love, here:  

The ABC’s of Self-Love:

A is for Acceptance by Molly Mahar: “Luckily, accepting who I am is more than embracing my (gorgeous, quirky, messy) imperfections. It’s also about celebrating my strengths, admiring my awesome, appreciating my honor.”

B is for Beauty by Rebecca Bass-Ching: “I now revel in the awe-inspiring beauty of courage, generosity, gentleness, kindness, sacrificial love, compassion, vulnerability, motherhood and respect.”

C is for Celebration by Dani: “Stand in front of the mirror and point out all the things you love about yourself. Instant self-love!”

D is for Determination by Ash Ambirge: “Want success? Make more decisions, choose more often, gain more control, and then take responsibility over your success. Period.” 

E is for Enough by Amy Kessel:“The resistance to loving ourselves disappears when we know, really know, that we are enough.”

F is for Freedom by Jenny Blake: “A fallacy of freedom is that we must not allow ourselves to be tied-down, lest we lock the cage on our ability to fly.”

G is for Growth by Justine Musk:  “It’s how you grow through and out of it – the meaning you make of it – that can not only shape yourself and your creative work (and your life) — but inspire others.”

H is for Honoring by Randi Buckley: “The deepest honor in the name of self-love shines light onto the whispers in the heart.”

Turn upside down, look again: a philosophy of handstands.

How many times do you flip upside down and look at the world from a different perspective?

Literally – how often do you turn upside down?

Short of taking a thrill ride at an adventure-park, or bending over to pick up the trash, most people rarely turn upside down on a regular basis. The closest we might get to a 180-degree turn is propping our feet up on the coffee table or when we lie down in bed at night to go do sleep.

I think handstands should be done every day.

Handstands–that delicious reversal of direction whereby your head is close to the ground and your feet go flying in the air–are marvelous.  They are also very important. Here are ten untested reasons why handstands are brilliant – and why you should take the time to turn upside down once or twice today.

In work, in life, and in play: sometimes you just have to turn upside-down.

Reason #1. They are fun. This alone is the probably greatest reason for doing anything, ever. Follow your fun. Do something fun once a day, at least. I love handstands. They are spectacularly awesome. I try to do them everyday.

Reason #2. Turning upside down lets you look at the world from a new perspective. We always challenge each other to think outside the box, to be creative and get a fresh perspective, and to craft new opinions by putting existing ideas together in unusual ways. At my job as a designer, we spent a lot of time critically analyzing what works, what doesn’t, and how to improve the product by thinking about things in a new way.  This is a simple way to do something right away that lets you see the world in a new way.

Reason #3. It’s good for blood flow and breathing. Imagine your feet, suffering from all of that gravity working against you. How many times do you get off your feet? When you do a handstand, you switch gravity in your body.  You turn everything in your body upside-down, putting pressure on the opposing side of your organs and lungs. The breath deep in your lungs expands and releases air better. Anything trapped down in the bottom of those lungs (imagine some of that dirty, dank, filthy city air trapped in your lungs…) can fall down and shake it’s way out of your lung space.

Reason #4.  It helps with all the other circulation systems. Your lymphatic system is probably cheering you on.  While your blood circulation deliveries all of those marvelous nutrients to the reaches of your body, your lymphatic system (the waste system) picks up all of the debris and garbage and filters it out of your muscles and into the different excretion systems of the body. The lymphatic system is much like the circulation system–just in reverse. And turning upside down promotes both blood flow, as well as lymphatic flow.

While we’re on the topic of biology, let’s talk about all those squishy organs stacked in your midsection. Your gut is a big pile of cool organs: your liver, pancreas, stomach, intestines, and other stuff, all packed inside you like sardines in a can. Your stomach mainly rests on top of those organs, which in turn sit on top of your  intestines. Ever seen a diagram of the human body? Well, when you flip upside down, you reverse all the pressures on your insides. (Take that, stomach!)

Image from life, stories & memories.

Reason #5. It makes you happier. Screw the oxygen bank–the best way to get a rush of happiness is to deliver a massive increase in blood flow to the head.  Oxygen = euphoria.

Reason #6. It makes you giggle. You play when you do handstands. It’s not like running or swimming, which are perhaps more arduous, linear tasks that feel like you’re working to deliver forward motion for a continuous amount of time.  Handstands you can just do. And you can do them almost anywhere. (Trick: If you want to do a handstand, but you’re nervous about it – find a place against a wall to do them. )

Reason #7. It’s like exercise, but it’s not. It’s wayyy more fun. Although after trying to do about 10-15 handstands, you’ll probably be very tired. There are a lot of ways to be healthier, and some of them can be simple and fun.

In fact, you can do many different varieties of handstands.  There are headstands, elbow and forearm stands, one-handed handstands, splits, and handstands against the wall.

Image from http://www.yogachrissy.com

Reason #8.  It reveals how completely uncoordinated (or coordinated) we are. Sometimes, coordination is nearly impossible. And you fall. And it’s okay. Handstands are somewhat tricky, and it you might need a spotter or a wall to help you out.  But the fun fact about being uncoordinated? It makes you giggle (so refer back to #6). And you’ve got to learn by doing. Thinking about it won’t get you anywhere.

Reason #9. You get to meet people along the way. In San Francisco a few weeks ago, my flight was delayed for two hours.  Antsy and with nowhere to go, my brother and I started a handstand competition in the airport, up against one of the long walls in the alleyway. Before we knew it, we had several other people lined up for the count – including a precocious 6 year old who out-handstand-ed all of us (and proceeded to do a few break-dancing tricks, too). Handstands reveal your inner play and gives you something fun to do while waiting.

Reason #10. You don’t need anything but yourself to do it. You can do them anywhere. Like I said, handstands are awesome.

So, where are you right now? Do a handstand in your office. I dare you to. Too afraid? Go outside (brr, winter cold!) and try one in the snow or the chilly wind. Laugh a little bit. Take yourself less seriously. It’s a day for fun. And I guarantee you’ll work just as hard even while also doing handstands once in a while.

Unnecessary kindness

“Kindness is the act of caring for the people around you;
of knowing how to make both our lives, and the lives of others, more meaningful.” 

Non-obligation Thank You notes. Words of encouragement. Big, fat, friendly hugs. Admiring someone’s hard work and dedication. Making yourself available to others. Turning the timer off. Telling your boss what they are doing right–and how they inspire you. Thanking someone for working hard, without any clauses or hidden criticisms. Telling a funny story to your barista. Appreciating the regular. Giving attention to someone who needs a friend.

Delighting in ordinary. Pausing for a moment to take it all in. Thanking yourself for the work that you do. Donating time. Telling your bus driver to have a nice day, and meaning it. Meeting a new person and asking them to talk about them. Just listening. Being honest with strangers. Reducing our hurry to become impatient. Paying it forward. Tipping generously.

Letting go. Standing up to a bully. Standing up for someone else. Standing up for yourself. Picking up trash that someone else has dropped. Believing in karma. Volunteering. Spending a day planting trees. Donating money to public parks. Acting generously without anyone seeing or watching. Doing what’s right, even though no one will ever know. 

Have you done anything extra-nice today? Sometimes just stopping to write a thank-you note to someone I appreciate makes my day a little better, too.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

 

The 9-to-5 Doesn’t Always Make Sense. How I Work: Discipline. Differences. Structures. Boundaries. Freedom.

Sometimes my Grandpa says I work too hard. I try to tell him that my work is not the same as work used to be. I work late. I work early. I take breaks in the middle of the day.

He points to the clock. It’s 6’o’clock, he says, wobbling over his cane and tapping on the table where I’ve got my laptop opened. It’s time to stop working, he commands.

I agree, and I also completely disagree. I’ve just finished taking a half hour break to chat with friends and colleagues online–spirited discussions and meeting new people and reading and networking like a champ–and now I’ve got to get back into my grind and focus on the production, the creation that I do every day.

I live in a new world, perhaps, at least to my parents and grandparents. I work in bursts of creation, usually 90 minutes to 3 hours in length, inset by pauses for lengthy conversations, connectivity, explorations, learning, and movement. My days–my sometimes 16-hour days–begin with walks, meander through coffee with great thinkers, are sometimes propelled by spurs of insane connectivity in the middle of the day, outreaching and coordinating with editors and speakers and writers and clients–and then in between it all I nestle down for sessions of quiet solitude filled with reading, writing, creation, drawing. I shutter down each day from the internet, often hours at a time (forgive me, twitter, but I schedule you out at times to play along, but I’m a ghost; not really there as much as it might appear). During these shutter hours I focus, focus, driven by purpose and deadline, and mostly, discipline.

These structure and boundaries give parameters for freedom; space to think within the allotted lines, which inevitably bend and give way once I gallop and leap beyond them. Loose, dashed lines of constraints provide the discipline required for invincible creativity, and I thrive in the flexibility and structure provided by these bare-bone parameters. As Jonah Lehrer has written, one of the paradoxes of the human condition is that we are more creative with boundaries; our freedoms and productions tend to increase within constraints, to a certain degree.

The simple recipe of 9 to 5 has no resonance with me; many suggest that the 9 to 5 is antiquated, a thing of the past. I can neither sit still nor think for eight hours, let alone be in one place or with one task. Everything about that schedule is arbitrary–the start time, the end time, the things that we must produce within that set amount of time.  The only thing left is an antiquated system that we perpetuate because we don’t have the courage to think differently.

We have moved quickly, cleanly beyond an industrial age where outputs were set (“build 18 shoes, please, and send them down the conveyor belt”) a time when we knew exactly when our works’ work was done; beyond the infrastructure of the giant corporation, the relic of the 1950’s-2000’s, to today: today, we live in a world where information is ubiquitous and overwhelming, and being ‘done’ with work is never truly over. A world where information threatens to take over globally, yet somehow this collection of voices creates so much noise that it pulls us locally again, towards communities and coffee shops, to social circles that we can trust instead of constantly test (for being on top of information at all times takes far too much energy for the individual).  In all of this, creative and intellectual pursuits require exceptional discipline, or else these individuals can become swallowed by the banal of chasing information and products that yield no results.

The 9 to 5 schedule, too, strikes at the wrong hours of the day for my scheduling. For me, 9 am falls in the middle of my best hours, and 5 pm at the middle of my worst hours. In any given day, I probably only have 5 hours of ‘great’ work time, time when I’m focused on writing and complex problem solving; I regard these hours as fundamentally precious and push everything to the wayside during these times. I have time for lower-level thinking tasks (batch email sending, task responses, errands, etc) – and if I don’t match my energy levels to the projects’ needs, I’ll end the day frustrated, discouraged, and unsatisfied. Trying to write during the slump of a post-lunch warm afternoon is what I call awful.

And so, I have both a peculiar and wonderful schedule. I wake up early, sometimes really early. I write in the lonely morning hours, silent and still, peaking by 10am and entering the flurry of the working world–and my job–turning onto the networks for a while, answering calls as they come in. On a lucky day, I’ll close the office door, turn off the phones, and continue to write until 11 or noon. On a bad busy day, I’ll have meetings all morning, eroding the precious hours of productivity with talking. (I’ll amend that: the busy, coordination days are not my favorite, but they are what set the stage for later days of productivity and creation. It’s more likely than not that I need a balance of both, that one doesn’t exist without the other). Still, I take steps to arrange meetings only during times when my energy levels match the needs of collaborating with others. Knowing that I only have a few “good” hours each day makes me carve out time differently.

I am a fastidious multi-tasker; in that I do many tasks throughout the day and let some percolate in the back of my mind while focusing most of my energy on the job at present. (This is distinctly different from trying to do things at the same time. Rather, this form of “multi-tasking” is akin to multiple burners, one on high, several on simmer. I think you’ll burn the food if you try to cook it all on high at the same time; but you can have ideas brewing on the back burner, certainly). Through it all I follow my energy flows closely, watching when my exhaustion peaks, when my lethargy sits, when my vivaciousness is at a high; and I match the tasks at hand to the problems I need to solve.

When I switch from writing to design, the office changes again, transforming into a new space to produce: I design best to pulsating music, so my office–or my coffee shop, wherever I am working–turns into a pseudo-dance party, techno beats and rhythms coloring the flurry of my designs. Most days involve dancing, thinking, and dancing again.

Throughout it all, I set targets and goals and deadlines, knowing the importance of self-discipline above all else–and in the mornings, I write out fresh post-it notes with clear, tangible goals and deadlines. With each, I strive to hit the 4 pm or 5 pm mark, a practice I’ve honed over years of incremental steps. My habits are reinforced daily: I know now that the projects have to be finished; to me, it makes sense to then try to do everything I can to finish them early.  Deadlines are arbitrary; work expands to fill the space you give it. The sooner I get done with a design puzzle or a press release or a meeting, the sooner I can get back to precious creation. No sense in wasting time.

And then, to dream, to kick on my dreamers’ hat again, and to watch the world, grasping the importance of being and the inspiration that’s required for any good work, I walk. And I walk a lot, exploring and moving frequently. Usually at least once between 3 pm and 7 pm–these are the times when during a puzzlement of problems, or of mounting frustration, I’ll push back my chair, stand up, spritz sunscreen on, grab my hat and keys, and wander. I leave the closed, strange office environment and sometimes I break into a run or a sprint, and I run, work pants rolled up, shoes exchanged for sneakers hidden underneath my desk, blouse replaced by a long-sleeved shirt. And I’ll run until I’m out of breath, looking out on the Sausalito waters, shaking my brain’s thoughts around until they settle like loose chips in a bucket, falling individually into place. Within a half an hour, I’m back at work, back at the desk, and without fail, the brain is working again–

–and it’s like morning, when I get back from a walk, and I’m ready. I eat, and I sit, and I take the next chunk of time, usually 2 hours, and I figure stuff out and get it done. In a precious day, sometimes up to 3 days per week, I’ll hit a second stride and find a creative flow to work for 3-4 hours. And I’ll chase it, producing quietly and steadily, building a stream of writing and coloring my desk with designs and drawings, and I’ll sigh at the end, satisfied, full, and tired.

Each day is different. The days the focus stays, I’ll finish a project with a 4-hour stint, coming home late to a glass of wine and a quiet yoga session. Other days my brain is clouded and maxed and I leave early, taking the afternoon to rest and recover and interact and play.

And that, that’s what I can’t say with my eyes when I look at my Grandpa. It’s just one thing that’s different in the world from when he used to work and the way that I work. His calculus, diff-e-q, tangential brain sits me down and marks up notes on electrical circuitry and my infantile, kinesthetic self squirms at being forced to sit; I feel my skin itch and crawl with the inability to roam free; and I know that it’s not just the generational differences that are at play. I must be free. Free to create. And you? You, do what works for you.

What if…

What if

… Everyone is watching?
… No one is watching?
… You do it anyways?
… You don’t get enough sleep?

What if

… The worst happens?
… The best happens?

What if …

…You’re wasting your opportunity?
…You can’t put it off until tomorrow,

because you don’t get another tomorrow?

What if …

… You’re scared of the outcome?
… You become so paralyzed that you do nothing?
… You worry so much about the process, the end point, the decision,
that you abstain from all choice, shaking in fear, trembling over uncertainty,
dubious about every determination, stuck somewhere silly,

because choice is too difficult?

 What if you…

… ask whatif, whatif, whatif, whatttiiifff so many times,
wahdddifff … it starts sounding like the wind whistling past your worrying ears,
Whadddifff, whaddif, whudif,
you, yooo, yuuuu.

Whhhaaddddifff yoooo …

stop asking what if?

What if

“What if” isn’t helping?

Here’s a trick about the “what – if” game. Answer the question, with two scenarios each time: the best and the worst. Visualize it. Map it. Know it. Choose it. Don’t just ask the question. Asking the question reels you into a spiraling uncertainty, an unknown bounty of fear, a paralysis of procrastination.

Play the game. Answer the question. Know what an outcome might be. Find the best case and the worst case: set yourself up. Know how you would respond. Then choose what you’re going to do.

Do something.

Is The Hard Work Worth It?

There comes a few moments each year, when I stand in front of my desk and I watch pieces start to float together. Articles I’ve written six months earlier come to light online and in print; books I’ve designed years ago get transfered from manuscript to first draft to pushing iterations; invisible lines of website code mesh towards reality and revisions finalize into a product that someone, finally, sees.

Some projects never make it past the drawing board; tired iterations get thrown softly into the garbage, piles on my desk shift sideways into obscurity. But other things–magical things–those projects that make it out into the air; these are the beauties. And sometimes, things I’ve worked on for quite a while start to align themselves seamlessly and I get a glimmer of inspiration, excitement, and relief.

In landscape architecture and architecture, especially, it can take years before a project comes to fruition. Thousands of hours of labor, drawings, computers, meetings, policy, documentation and endless amounts of “red lines” behind a desk, staring at CAD (computer-aided drafting) software take their toll on even the most fastidious of designers, wearing them out before they see the results of their hard work. 

Things that are worth it take time.

The first time I saw my landscape architecture work turn into reality, I was wandering down Market Street in San Francisco. Suddenly, I was overcome with a strange sense of deja-vu. Behind a chain link fence next to me was a place I knew I’d been before. I didn’t know why, but I recognized it. I looked at my friend. “This is weird,” I said. “I feel like I know this place already.” And suddenly, I gasped: I did know the place.

I spent a summer working on the technical drawings while an intern, laboriously and meticulously testing lighting patterns, bench construction details, and determining the final art piece for the center of the plaza. The plaza – now a central location downtown between Market and Mission streets – was coming to life in three dimensions.  They were building the project.  A place in the world. From drawings. Some of them were my drawings. Did they get it? Did they do it right? Did I do it right?

I stopped, hands pressed up between the chain links, and stared at every inch of the project. My eyes mapped the walls, the colors, the paving textures, the lighting, the signs, the planting, the crevices, the trees. I knew instantly the parts that had changed from our original ideas, the plants that were new, the benches that had been cropped from their first iteration as cantilevered extensions from the wall, the art pieces that had been swapped last minute, the effect of the winter shadow from the towering buildings on the temperature of the concrete.

I felt the building in all it’s dimensions, the lighting and skin entirely different than any two-dimensional drawing could capture, and I felt the size of the space, the thickness of the air. On the ground I saw what decomposed granite looked like in real life, what tree spacing rows felt like in vertical space, and whether or not my imagination from years’ before was accurate in picturing what we wanted to build. It was here.

I helped make something happen.

These moments–the moments of publication, of realization, of recognition, of creation–when something you’ve built in your mind and spent hours of energy on becomes real, tangible, concrete–are invaluable. And standing there, and now again here, today, words and drawings spread out all over the walls and tables and desks, I think briefly to myself:

The hard work is worth it.

My swim coach used to call this “cashing in.” At the end of the year, all of your work, all of your invisible hours in the pool, laps painted and erased on top of each other in tireless sequence; every set a measure against yourself; each frustrating day in the cold pool, each microscopic change in threshold potential–it’s all work that you’re putting in the bank.

Exhausted, I would look up to my coach from the water and ask him with my eyes, “Can I ever make it? Am I doing it? Is this worth it?”

He knew, intrinsically, the phenomenon that is cumulative, additive work, of minor changes built into powerful movements, and yet all he could do was push us to do our best in the present, enticing us into the future by telling us the stories of great legends before in his attempt to inspire us and make us dream. Without knowing, without having been there, I had to put my head down in the water and trust, trust, trust that the hard work would be worth it. My muscles shivered. I was tired. Could I do it?

Yet throughout the year, he would tell us over and over again, “Put your money in the bank!!” And when we did something great, he’d jump up and down and shout excitedly, “THAT’S the money in the bank!” I would return to the wall, trying again, reaching, stretching, hands seeking something invisible and unknown, wondering if any of my work would add up, doubtful that the painstaking days of testing would measure up to something worthwhile. But I trusted. I continued.

And then when the collection time came, when all other fanfare was stripped away and we were faced, naked, with the clock and a crowd and our bodies, when the end-of-the-year championship performance would arrive as it inevitably did each year, we’d see what we were capable of. How we did. What our cumulative actions amounted to. Whether or not we’d been working hard and building up assets. We would cash in.

And somehow, in the four-year tenure of my time there, somehow they transformed an awkward, inexperienced, shy teenage swimmer from the slowest lane into a chiseled, daunting, All-American swimmer–this person I still don’t fully recognize today, despite years gone by. A trophy on the wall: this is the evidence that I marvel at as a reminder that yes, it can happen. It can happen to me. I can make it happen.

You can make it happen.

It happens. 

So many people give up mid-way; drop steam, or set anchor long before their hard work has time to marinate and develop, missing the beauty of the intricate shorelines, of the tidal pools washing in and out over a rocky surface, building life slowly over time. We get lost in the dreary, in the tired, in the details, and we haven’t had the chance to get to the other side and know what it’s like to see a project finish. Many things worth working on take lots of time–sometimes years.

Don’t give up. 

Projects underway.

Aside from writing as a hobby — this strange craving and insatiable need I have to write, all the time, every day, deliriously addicted to capturing my thoughts in chicken scratch whenever I can — and which I do, here on this website and also on my observations collection — I actually spend the majority of my time working both as a landscape architect as well as an editor for a publication about the emerging profession and theoretical ideas of landscape urbanism.

Each of these projects and career work is something I’ve worked on for years. These aren’t singular efforts or rapid bursts mere months in the making.  A collection of essays happens slowly, patiently, tirelessly over time; a book takes diligence, endurance, and dedication; a singular building or landscape can take a lifetime of work. There are digital hard drives filled with millions of crappy essays, each discarded and moved along in search of better work, each thought building slowly into bigger ideas.

This is just the beginning.

When I start, I make small goals — very small goals, sometimes, and then when I manage to stick to the plans, when I get out of my own way, I stop and I take a look around and check in to be sure that I’m building something worth building. And when these small pieces add up in sequence, I am exceptionally, extraordinarily grateful.

When a post hits the web that I’ve been working on for several months; when a book launches that I’ve written a year ago; when a design goes public; when I see the results of my hard work in the form of a person sitting on a bench (my bench! I designed that! I put that there! I think gleefully, someone else’s happiness enough to make me skip through the day and smile at dozens of strangers)– it’s not the day of the launch that I’m celebrating. It’s the years of work that I’m celebrating. It’s remembering that we need to do things that matter. It’s the designers and editors and teams and people involved in all of this goodness. It’s the beauty of intricate collaboration, of idea exchange, of working towards things that are meaningful, of setting out and accomplishing great work. It’s that sigh, that feeling – we did it.

Things that are worth doing take time.

And I look back at my imaginary self from six months ago, stuck behind a desk, working tirelessly, writing late into the evenings, patient phone calls and iterative emails in piles, stacks of books wiping themselves into my brain through constant reading, staring deep into the throes of a coffee cup in one hand and a wine glass in the other hand. I want to go back in time, touch the hand of the girl who’s working so hard, and say to myself —

Thank you.

Thank you for your hard work, for believing in yourself, for making your dreams come true, slowly.

Thank you for the hard nights, for those less-than-glamorous-moments, for believing in the outcome even when you didn’t know if you would get there. For doing it anyways.

These moments are rare: when I do things that meet my own expectations, and for a brief moment, I am grateful. I honor the hard work.

Make it happen.

Because it’s not just about cashing in. It’s not about epitomizing a singular feeling or moment or day. It’s about the multitudes of moments. One moment in time, a representation of the thousand moments that came before that: it’s about the hard work. It’s about the good work. It’s about the process. It’s about making what you want to have happen, happen. You have all the time in the world; you have all the time of today.

And so, already, today I’m back, back to the desk, working on creation and production and things that are better, raising the bar again and demanding more challenging things. I’m working on the things for six months from now, for twelve months from now, for the books I want to publish, for the drawings I want to produce, for things no one will see yet and that might not work out, but I’m trying them anyways. Next year, when I publish one of my books, you’ll know that somewhere behind the blogger, behind the published articles, behind the silly blog and the facebook statuses and the collection of tweeted conversations, those microcosms and moments in a day–is a person who’s sitting at home in the evenings, writing from coffee shops in the morning, who is running breathlessly through the mornings, chasing after dreams, putting the small bits together, day by day, to make it happen. And you?

You need to make it happen. 

But for a moment … today, I smile, I breathe, I believe in it. Remember, it’s worth it.

The hard work is worth it.

Do something. Make something. Build something. Build something worth building.

We’re waiting for you.

2011 review: 28 in fifty-two notes: a year’s worth of writing, lessons, and people

Another year, another day, another second. Each moment we get a little older, and hopefully a little bit wiser. Yesterday I turned 28, and I can hardly believe it. I’m nearly done with my twenties: somehow it feels like I should be getting on with my life, setting an example, and doing stuff worth doing. At the same time, I feel as though everything’s just beginning, that we’re only getting started, and that the fun times that have transpired are peanuts to what’s ahead.

In looking back, I’ve realized several things this past year. First, I love the internet. Second, I am blown away and amazed by the number of people that I’ve met through this web of stories – this side-kick, this second life I have: blogging. I am grateful, inspired, and lucky to be here, living this life.

One year ago, I made a pact to myself that year 27 was not going to be small or meek; that it wasn’t going to be solo or quiet. I wrote one thing down in my notebook: meet people. Get outside of my books and notes, and start living. Even though I am an INTJ – slightly more introverted than extroverted in my personality type – I decided to go for big, join twitter (September 2010, yes, late, I know), learn as much as I could, and say yes to whimsy, fun, exploration, and adventure. And all I can say is — well, I’m never looking back.

For my 28th birthday, I’ve made me — and you! — a small present. I made a collection of 52 things from my notebooks, of lessons, notes, observations and conversations I’ve had around the way as I travel through life.  There’s a note for each week: a collection of wisdom, inspiration, and joy that I’ve found, heard, listened to or gathered from meeting so many incredible people.  This is just a smattering of the genius I’ve encountered along the way: a bevy of brilliant minds, an assortment of awesome adventurers.  Thank you, all of you, for making this year phenomenal.

1.  Start early. Something about worms, right? Early birds get them.

2. Most things worth doing can’t be done in just a day. Build houses and things that need your dedication. The landscape architects I know who worked on the High Line, Simon & Helen Director Park, or on Mary Bartelme Park didn’t wake up to a finished design one sudden day. Teams of people worked slowly, methodically each day for years to build places in the world.

3. Practice being nice. You can get better at everything. Nice, like anything else, gets better with practice. You are what you consistently do.* (This one’s from @Aristotle. He’d tweet it if he could, I’m sure.)

4. Be nice to yourself. Be nice to yourself. When you do good work, stop and say congratulations. When you work hard, acknowledge that, too. Suzannah Scully is one of the kindest people I know, and her blog always makes me smile. On my desk and bookmarked is a list of ten things for right now – reminders to keep me sane and to stay kind to myself.

5. You will probably only do one or two useful things each day. Pick wisely.

6. Doing it later is usually a lie you tell yourself. And this goes straight to the next one:

7. You either ARE or you AREN’T. Which is it? Stop lying to yourself. If you’re not doing it, you’re not doing it. Later isn’t a guarantee, and today is already yesterday’s later. If you’re not doing it now, and weren’t doing it before, all signs point towards the likelihood that your behavior isn’t going to change.  So what to do? Be honest. And second, realize that what got you where you are is not going to take you the places that you want to go.

8. What got you here won’t get you there. If you want to keep getting better, you have to keep trying new things. If you want to stay the same, keep doing what you’re already doing.

9. Turn off all alerts. They are just interruptions and distractions. I know. I’m a recovering Facebook Addict.

10. “Checking” is psychologically addictive behavior. Social media is brilliant – it’s as though we’ve put the human element of interaction, interconnectivity and buzz back into our stoic factory-relics of offices, allowing people to breathe and be personable again. However, the technological aspects of email, twitter, messaging, phones, and immediate notifications do nothing but wreak havoc on our ability to focus for solid periods of time. Email in particular preys on our addictive psychological make-up that rewards us with dopamine and seratonin when we receive new messages. Control the monkey brain. Turn off alerts. Set times and patterns. Learn how to over-turn your genetic faults and be better within a nearly-impossible-to-control framework. Who knows – you might also be happier.

11. What do you want? I’ve started asking this of everyone and everything I’m doing. It’s brilliant. Try it.

12. Believe in magic. Good things happen if you’re willing to watch, listen, and go a different way home.

13. Think less. DO more. Stop worrying about what if? Start worrying about what will happen if you don’t do anything at all.

14. Build something. I’m continuously amazed by people like @myfirstyoga and @marenkate and their quests to become self-made.  Maren’s diamond-cut philosophy underpinning her new business ventures is something I regularly check back on as a reminder to do what I’m doing.

15. Make it something worth building. You don’t have very much time to build something great. The big design problem? Designing your life. Figure out what’s most important, and start building it.

16. Do something that terrifies you. Do it every day. I don’t always do this, but I try to. Sometimes speaking up terrifies me. Sometimes writing terrifies me. Other times hurting someone’s feelings terrifies me. MeiMei Fox’s Huffington Post blog on living Life Out Loud highlights some of the fearless things people can do.

17. Dedicate time to being & becoming organized. If you can’t find what you wrote down, did you write it down at all? Did you even think it? How much time is wasted re-creating the same thing? How much time is lost to poor organization?

18. Always have something to point to. I believe in visual aids, beautiful design, and the art of information representation. Some of the most talented I know include Nancy Duarte, Edward Tufte and the ever-inspiring Lauren Manning (a person I shared a BRGR with for 45 minutes in New York City from the recommendation of the brilliant Merpie, and thus following commenced an email relationship and mutual adoration that continues to this day!).

19. Follow your energy. You’ll find some things unlimited.

20. Do one important thing before 11AM each day. I’m a morning person. I’ve learned not to have more than 3 major things on my task list each day. And of those 3, get at least one of them done before 11AM.

21. Everything adds up. This sounds like something J.D. Roth would say – oh yes, he’s said it! It’s the small bits, the subtle changes, the habit-formation that Leo talks about that makes a difference.

22. Write stuff down. Annotate your notes. I write everything down, or nearly everything. Shane Mac clued me into re-organizing these notes and annotating them for later documentation. Probably one of the smartest things on this entire list. Do both. It will change your life.

23. If you don’t know where you’ve come from, how will you know where you’re going? Look backwards regularly. In back to then, I stopped to write my past self a letter, and I like the advice I have to give. Who knows if I would have taken it – but in getting here, I acquired it.

24. Set time limits. Boundary your time. Things take time and time takes things.

25. Embrace whimsy. This is a quote directly from Kym Pham, a #WDS darling I was lucky to meet at last year’s Portland, OR conference, along with Mark Powers and George Palmer, incredible people making waves around the world.

26. Ask questions. Because. You should.


27. Do something worth talking about.
Nate Damm walked across the entire United States. None of the steps themselves was particularly significant, but the collection is stunning.  I’m waiting for his book to come out. Until then, @whereisnate, I can’t wait to see your next adventure.

28. Push GO sooner. Iterate. Test. Design. Fail. Re-calibrate. Repeat.

29. The more you learn, the less you know.

30. Do the fun things first. Tomorrow’s not a guarantee. And the fun will take you places. Fun is not lazy. Fun is not procrastinating. Fun is enjoying the act of being and doing.

31. You are what you feed yourself.

32. Sometimes you are a lot closer than you think.

33. Talk less. Some of the nicest, most thoughtful people aren’t the loudest or the brightest. They are darn hard-working and lovely to be around, even just sitting at the beach and enjoying the waves or strolling through Regent’s park with ice cream cones.

34. Do something useful each day. Even if you spend 14 hours in a sick bed, sleeping, 3 hours eating chicken soup, and another hour drinking tea, you can still say Thank You to the people who deserve it and I Love You to the folks you want to talk to. Every day, do something useful.

35. People are complicated. Forgive them. Let them be weird. If you haven’t learned it yet, I’m a bit weird myself. (It’s all okay).

36. Stop talking, start doing. Every day is a gift. Use it wisely.

37. Everybody has a story. Sometimes you don’t get to hear these stories until later, one-on-one, in small groups. I love having friends stop by (and friends of friends)

38. Tact and kindness are always appropriate. This one comes straight from a conversation with @elizashawvalk about convictions and the art of believing in something. She mused, “you know, I believe that tact and kindness are always, always appropriate,” and I concur readily and wholeheartedly. You can be well-mannered in all that you do.

39. Have a set of convictions. Have something to stand for. Know what you stand for, and what you think is okay and not okay.

40. Ask for feedback. It’s the quickest way to get better.

41. It’s okay to be a contradiction. We are inherently contradictions.

42. Say no more often. 

43. They can’t take what you learn away from you. Despite all of the setbacks, fears, doubts and insecurities I had when setting out on my big project’s launch last November, including my stumbling in the middle, my notes on the process, and my sheer exhaustion during May, I found that persevering and doubting challenge every great intention. Despite all the naysayers in my mind, this was one of the biggest words of encouragement: No matter how big you fail, how far you fall, or how high you dream, they can’t take what you learn away from you. My two lists from launching my publishing venture on landscape urbanism? Part one and part two have 50-odd things I gained along the way. These, I get to keep.

44. Surround yourself with good people. I could name a million smart people around me that have offered guidance, and there’s almost too many to name them all!  I had the fortune of meeting a brilliant relationship strategist and all-round-rocketeer, Jeff Riddle, earlier this year. Through many questions and queries, doodles and sketches, I’ve gained brilliance like this favorite, “Humility and confidence,” learned how to pivot like a champion; learned when to sit an listen, how to trust my gut, and how to brave it all and put my fears out there for honest feedback. And every bit of it was golden.

45. Ask WHY as much as possible. You might consider reading Simon Sinek’s Start With Why. Or hanging out with a five year old for several consecutive hours. You’ll whittle away a lot of fluff by figuring out the why early and often.

46. Try new things. Embed yourself in new experiences. A few sites remind me of this regularly – @joelrunyon‘s and his tireless challenge to do new adventures on his blog of impossible things; @heyamberrae and her feature stories on revolution.is, @tylertervooren’s advanced riskology, or @chrisguillebeau’s art of non conformity (and the book review from earlier, as well as the recap’s onetwo, and three from the #WDS conference earlier this year in Portland, Oregon).

47. Pay attention to how you feel. You are a mess of complicated neurons and brain cells, a collection of dendritic firings. Pay attention to them occasionally; sometimes they are talking to you.

48. Say No to everything one day each week. Then, follow the rabbit hole! Go ask Alice, yeah? Some days I set aside explicitly for saying No to everything and anything I can, only allowing myself to do those few things that I truly enjoy and feel called to do. I like to call it ‘following the rabbit hole,’ – a phrase that reminds me to go on adventures and stay playful.

49. Follow your bliss. It will take you fun places.

50. Do one thing at a time. You can do a lot of things, but it’s darn difficult to do them all at exactly the same time.

51. Stop making excuses. I love the gumption and energy that come from people who ask you tough questions. Who challenge you to be better, not routine. To be extraordinary, not regular. Find people who make you better, who call your bullshit when it’s bullshit, and are cheering you on from the sidelines.

52. Stop chasing ordinary. You’ll get the same results from the same inputs. Change it up. Dare to be different. Be phenomenal. Find your extraordinary.

I can’t even begin to list the extraordinary that’s been this year. I feel grateful, lucky and blessed. As for next year? I’m writing myself a list and a vision plan. I have high hopes and dreams, and I’ll check back in on my letter to myself every few weeks to see if I’m making progress. And as for my birthday? It was excellent, caught somewhere along the coast of California as I meander through conferences in Northern and Southern California. I spent the day with my sister, friends, and escaped for a few hours to relax poolside and loved every minute of it. Thanks for all the well-wishes!

Leave a note in the comments about YOUR life rules and what you believe about how to live.