3 Writing Tools To Draft, Edit, and Publish Your Work

It Doesn’t Matter How You Do It

I should title this post “how to write every day” or “what tools I use to write every day” because the questions I get over and over again from so many different people are variations of the same questions:

“How do you start a daily writing habit?”

And:

“What tools do you use?”

If you’re struggling to decide between a notebook and a computer, the answer is yes.

Write it down.

Write on a computer when you’re near a computer and you have something to say. Write it on a paper when you have paper nearby.

Put it down in your notebook or on scratch pieces of paper or — heck I do this all of the time — borrow a pen from the waiter and write across napkins if you have to. Miranda July has some stories about how even pregnancy (and labor!) gave her so many ideas for stories and projects that she was searching for paper while bringing her child into the world.

Put it into your phone, if it’s on you.

So the tools, if you must know the tools:

CAPTIO

I use Captio (an app) on my iPhone that allows for recording notes offline and then emails them to my gmail account. In gmail, I label them all automatically with a filter called “notes.”

Gmail-notes

MOLESKINE

I use a Moleskine to write in every day. (I prefer the black, large, hardcover versions that are plain on the inside, like this.) In my notebook, I write down who I meet, my main observations from a particularly delightful meeting, short memories, quotes, stories, and relevant notes. Sometimes I write longer form essays or journal entries when I need a space to write. I’ll often write in it when I sit at a coffee shop and brainstorm without my computer. Each one lasts me about 3-4 months, and has about 200 pages in each one. I label them on the front and keep a stack on my bookshelves.

EVERNOTE

I write in Evernote as well, when I write on my laptop. I prefer offline tools to online tools because I have some bad internet habits (I literally do not know how I end up with 47 tabs open on a new browser window when I get online…). In my Evernote files, I have what’s called a “stack” of notebooks; a notebook is a collection of documents, and then you can stack a collection of notebooks together. Essays move from one stack to the next.

Here’s how I organize my Evernote stack:

WRITING (Stack)

  • Ideas — any scribbling of an idea I have, ever.
  • Drafts — a workable idea that’s got actual sentences in it, paragraphs even, but still needs more work.
  • Pitches — list of places I’ve pitched stories and essays to. A more refined version of “Ideas.” I can move things from pitches to ideas (if they get denied) or from ideas to pitches if they look like things that will fit a particular editor or audience.
  • Finished — any note that works its way from idea to draft and gets published (like this very post here), will get dragged into ‘finished,’ so my ideas/drafts folders aren’t cluttered with already-used ideas.
  • Stories — a place for fiction and short-story writing, when I’m tired of narrative and non-fiction writing.
  • Archive — a place to clean out and dump any past ideas I want to throw away and won’t publish.

And actually publishing something:

When I sit down to write and publish, I start with one of my tools — either I sift through my paper notebook, I scroll through my Evernote stack, or I riff through my gmail folder of notes.

Side note: I usually leave the gmail notes until last, or perform this as a task-based item unrelated to my writing process, because the distraction temptation is so high. I’ll copy and paste out ideas from “notes” in my gmail and from my notes in my moleskine into my Evernote “ideas” folder so I keep an ever-growing list of ideas pouring into these folders.

I’ll review these notes and ideas until there’s something that pulls me and still feels vibrant, like I’m ready to tip and start talking or writing about it.

Some workdays I’ll work on two or three different essays, putting the meat and body into each of the essays. It involves researching, reading, writing out stories, and pouring as many words onto the page as possible. In this process, a 100- or 300-word idea stream can turn into 1500 or more words.

Here, in fact, are two unwritten, incomplete ideas that could turn into full blog posts if I pull them up and feel compelled to write about them:

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This is actually what my first versions of essays often look like.

It’s highly productive and weirdly dissatisfying because usually there isn’t a single essay that gets finished. I still need another night’s sleep and a few more days to tidy it up. On a lazier day I’ll do polishing and editing of a final piece if I don’t feel like tackling a new subject.

When I do work to finish and publish an essay, I’ll find in my “drafts” folder something that’s nearly complete, like this essay was in here. I’ll move it into WordPress (or whatever platform I’m publishing through; sometimes it’s Medium, LinkedIn, sending a G-Doc to an editor, etc). Inside of WordPress, I’ll do a read-through and edit and polish with fresh eyes. Often I’ll add new material, shorten some paragraphs, and keep tightening up the introductory material.

I use the “preview” feature on many of the platforms to review the content in multiple forms. Once it’s ready to go, I’ll schedule it to publish.

But I’m diverting from the main point of this essay.

It’s sexier to talk about tools and process. It’s harder to talk about starting, doing, and persisting.

Not writing because you don’t have the tools is an excuse.

When you’re in the subway and you see the makings of a great story, and you have nothing on you, you still write a story. No pen, no notebook, no phone, no anything — you write the story by using words in your mind and telling the story. Play with it. Make it a sequence.

You practice the craft by practicing the craft.

The man lumbered over towards the station entrance, his walk punctuated by the jostling needed to keep his pants above knee height. His boxers had a cute heart shaped pattern across them, although the fact that she could see them at all wasn’t particularly endearing, she wanted to tell him to lift them up, tuck in his shirt, learn how to walk again. “That duck walk,” she thought, “will not look good anywhere but here…” 

Practice seeing stories all around you. Write them down, however you can.

Starting A New Life

It’s been hard to get a new post up every week, for two big reasons: first, working at a startup is a big mountain of a challenge, and second — more excitedly! — I’m now just about five months pregnant, so all my free time (and body energy) is devoted to building a new person from scratch.

Yup, we’re pregnant!

Yes, if you haven’t seen on Instagram or Facebook yet, Alex and I are pretty excited to share that we’re cooking up a new little guy to join us in the world next Spring, sometime in May 2016.

Sarah and Alex

1 + 1 = 3

I’m excited to share this with each of you because I know so many of you and I feel often like I’m writing this blog like a letter to so many friends around the world. The past several years have brought many of your faces into the Writer’s Workshops and Grace & Gratitude courses.

From conferences to events to projects, I’ve worked with and met many of you offline as well. It is one of the uncountable joys of publishing on the internet: not pageviews, not subscribers, but really wonderful, quirky, delightful people who I get to share ideas and words with.

So, if you’re curious to follow along, I’m sure I’ll occasionally write a few essays about pregnancy, startups, and figuring out how to navigate both. I’m learning quite a bit as I start an entirely new adventure it feels like I know nothing about. If you have any questions for me, I’m happy to hear them — I’m sure I’ve had many similar questions!

Today, I thought I’d share a few learnings that have become very familiar to me over the better part of this last year.

Here are a few nuggets of wisdom (plus a few favorite books) on pregnancy, growth, and the life changing that’s happening all around (and inside of!) me:

The first three months were harder than anyone could have warned me.

I wish there was more of a public service announcement for just how much it feels like you get slammed in the beginning. A few friends told me that “the fatigue is real,” and that “morning sickness isn’t fun,” but the reality of barfing every day for nearly four months straight is a big, big drag. My energy levels dipped way low and I was sleeping as much as 12 hours each night for the first few months. Luckily, I turned a corner around 4 months in and began to feel better (thank goodness!) although I’m writing this down now so I don’t become one of those ladies who says that everything about pregnancy is wonderful later.

You might need 9 months to get used to the idea.

Sometimes change happens, and only then you become acclimated to it. We can’t plan every phase of our lives, nor will we know what we need until we’re in the thick of it. Jump in, start learning, and feel like a kid again. I think nine months is a blessing in disguise to get you ready for everything that will be changing ahead of you.

Follow your body’s rhythms.

It’s easy to say “listen to your body,” but it can be hard to actually tune in and do. This year has involved a profound internal focusing for me, with a body compass that is becoming more and more fine-tuned. If I don’t do exactly what it needs and says, I’ll swiftly find myself crying, vomiting, or struggling. While I don’t always love this dear kind of wisdom, I appreciate it greatly: it has made me very aware of exactly what my insides are telling me.

Ask for help.

This will probably apply throughout parenthood. Another lesson that I’ve been reluctant to learn is asking for help when I can’t do something on my own. Raising a kid will not be a solo effort, and in many respects, our own lives are not solo efforts, either. We live in an era of glorification of individuals (magazine covers show single people most of the time), when community, friendship, and relationship are what strengthen and satiate us.

I’ve had to ask for a lot of help, and I’m grateful to get to practice using this new muscle. I’m also quite grateful for people who can listen to obstinate, stubborn people waver in declining help —

“Hey, want me to get that for you?”

“Well, … [pause], no, I think I can handle it.”

— those friends that hear the wobble and know you so well that they know that this is you asking for help, or, not sure how to ask for help. That’s me. And my wobble is turning into a much more clear “Hey, would you help me?” request lately.

Find whatever works for you, and do that.

No one has the same pattern or needs in life, and you have to do you, where you are right now.

Sleeping works for me right now. Eating a ridiculous amount of protein and meat is what works for me right now. Walking is what works for me right now. Downward Facing Dog is my peak pose in yoga (my “max pose,” or what I work up to in my current sequence of 5-minute and 15-minute practices).

Don’t compare yourself to a past version of yourself.

There is a past version of me that swam a mile and a half naked in 58-degree water as I escaped from Alcatraz. Today, I’m moving more slowly than I’ve ever known my body. Some days it’s just a few minutes on the yoga mat before I rest on bolsters and soak in the joy of restorative poses. I’m not doing any crazy arm balances or inversions (nor can I lie on my tummy), and that’s fine. If I were disappointed by the changes, this would be discouraging.

Instead, I have an entirely new body, new place, new time. Inside of the practice is a sweet sense of calm. I wobble like a pregnant lady. Getting up and down is a bit harder. I feel a new sense of empathy and connection to my injured, fatigued, and beginner students; I am here, beginning again.

Everything will change. And this, too, is not forever.

If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll never do it.

This has been my Dad’s advice on pregnancy (and other things!) for the last ten or more years. He’s always reminded me that you’re never really ready for what’s next, and if you wait until you feel ready, all you’ll be doing is waiting.

Jump in while you’re not ready and then figure it out as you go.

That’s exactly where I feel like I am.

Make a plan. And remember, nothing goes accordingly to plan.

We plan when we think we have all the information in front of us, but we can’t have everything as a known. There will be new unknowns as we march down time’s ruler. So plan enough, and get going — because nothing goes according to plan.

This is another one of Dad’s sayings. We’re both Type A planners, and we joke that there are things like kids and weather to remind us that we can’t plan for everything, and we have to learn how to live in a decidedly unplanned reality. Kids won’t follow your plans, and, in some ways, that’s part of the fun of it.

There are a lot of tears.

There’s a hormonal cocktail inside of me as my body whirs up and gets ready to build another human. In some ways, it feels like I’m navigating my teenage years again, something I was happy to be done with. In other ways, it feels as though I’m feeling everything acutely in a way that lets me experience a deeper sense of connection.

I’m grateful that my body knows what it’s doing.

If I had to sit down with a pen and plan out all the steps of building a human from scratch, I’d end up with a disaster. Build the arms first? What does the placenta do? How do we get the head to fit in there?

It’s a gratitude that my body can kick in and do this thing, this deepest, wisest thing that’s automatic and beyond me. It’s something our human bodies do, and they perform millions of actions in sequence without my conscious direction. Witnessing this tremendous shift makes me aware of the ways in which my body is operating harmoniously in so many other areas of my life.

There’s a deep sense of peace.

In the beginning, I think I was shocked for a few months. I really had no idea how I was going to do it and how much was going to change.

Lately, with more swimming, yoga, and movement, I’ve felt a sense of calm and peace come to me. (It’s there alongside the worry and the fear.)

Even when I’m scared, worried, and frustrated, there’s a deep sense of calm about all of this: we’ll figure it out, it’ll look messy, we’ll do a million things wrong — and it’ll be wonderful. We’re going to be just fine. In fact, this will be great.

And other people will tell you their secrets, too!

When I sent out an announcement to my friends and family, I found out from several people that they, too, are expecting, and it was such a joy! I’ve also experienced dozens of people asking me questions about the process, wondering how to plan ahead, asking me when we decided we were ready, what books we were reading, whether or not we knew that we wanted to start a family — and more.

If you’re in the same boat or you’re thinking about your own future, here’s a few of my favorite books so far:

What questions or advice do you have? Do you have a favorite book that you love on parenting, babies, pregnancy, or a related topic? Anything you’d love for me to write about?

Why We’re Lonelier Than Ever (and Why Marriage is Falling Apart), According to Kurt Vonnegut

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How many people do you interact with on a daily basis? Not online, or in your email inbox, but in real life?

What about during the week? I had to do a quick tally — (ten coworkers, my husband, a few close friends I see regularly, an occasional dinner or evening out), — maybe twenty to thirty people?

We live in extended networks of people, from families to churches to schools to organizations that we belong to. But how many of them do we actually SEE and interact with face to face in a given week

Kurt Vonnegut, an American writer and humorist, and author of 14 books, published a collection of graduation speeches he’s given in the book, “If This Isn’t Nice, What Is?”. In it, he covers in hilarious detail the simplicity of being human, the conundrum of being nice (“be more like Jesus,” he says, regardless of whether or not you think he’s God), and why we’re all suffering from loneliness.

It was so simple, yet so profound:

“Only two major subjects remain to be covered: loneliness and boredom. No matter what age any of us is now, we are going to be bored and lonely during what remains of our lives. We are so lonely because we don’t have enough friends and relatives. Human beings are supposed to live in stable, like-minded, extended families of fifty people or more.”

Do you have fifty people?

He goes on to talk about marriage, and why marriage isn’t falling apart because marriage is wrong, but because our families are too small.

“Marriage is collapsing because our families are too small. A man cannot be a whole society to a woman, and a woman cannot be a whole society to a man. We try, but it is scarcely surprising that so many of us go to pieces.”

So, he recommends, “everybody here [should] join all sorts of organizations, no matter how ridiculous, simply to get more people in his or her life. If does not matter much if all the other members are morons. Quantities of relatives of any sort are what we need.”

In a second speech, he goes on to elaborate on knowing the secrets to what women and men want. It’s remarkably similar to his story above:

“I know what women want. Women want a whole lot of people to talk to. And what do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.”

And men?

“Men want a lot of pals.”

I don’t fully agree with the simplicity of men and women being entirely different (nor do I believe that marriage is just about a man and a woman) — but the underlying point rings true: men and women want people to hang out with and talk to.

And the cause of fights in marriage? It turns out “what they’re really yelling at each other about is loneliness.”

“What they’re really saying is, ‘You’re not enough people.’”

We are born into our immediate families. It’s up to us to reach out, meet as many people as possible, and build our extended families.

Do you have fifty people?

Learning How to Meditate

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I finally achieved the badge for meditating three days in a row on the app I’m using to meditate.

To be clear, I didn’t know that this even existed. It took me 8 months to figure THAT out — or, depending on how you count, it took me 31 years to figure out how to sit still.

I want to share a bit of my journey into meditation and my discoveries about some of the misconceptions surrounding what meditation is. As I’ve begun practicing, it’s become a big part of my life. I also want to share how I built a meditation practice, and how you can do the same.

Meditation isn’t fancy

At first, I thought that meditation was this zen stillness, this otherness, a state of mind that people achieved in a ritualistic, spiritual way. It reminded me of the few moments I broke down crying as a teenager in church, that release and feeling of being something larger than yourself. Was it a feeling? An aspiration? A state of being?

It seemed elusive, strange, like something I’d never understand. Were we all chasing a blissful state of being that was seemingly just around the corner, out of reach?

And if so, why was it so darn impossible?

For beginners, and really, that means everyone — meditation is about learning how to sit still, how to breathe, and how to quiet the mind. It’s just like kindergarten, sitting on a carpet, cross-legged, and learning how to sit still.

For some of us (like me), this is hard to do.

It took me many, many years to find comfort in sitting still. The practice of asana (or yoga poses, designed to calm the body through both rigorous physical exertion and breath-flowing practices) is one of the eight steps on the path to meditation and mental calm.

So meditation is about stillness. It’s about sitting with yourself, and letting your thoughts wash over you, and learning to see beyond the immediate impulses of your mind.

It’s not fancy. It’s not out of your reach. It’s something we can all practice, and can probably get better at.

In fact, especially in the crazy-hustling city of New York and the world of hyper-connectedness, everyone could benefit not from “meditation” but from the simple act of sitting and breathing for ten minutes in quiet reflection.

And sitting still and meditating are remarkably similar, in fact.

Meditation isn’t done for pride

It seems as soon as we begin talking about meditation, a competitive edge comes out. Ego boasts forward, and you see it when people write “meditating for 15+ years,” on their bios. When we deal with the ego, like we do in meditation practice, we begin to notice how it sneaks up on us time and time again.

Meditation isn’t about shutting down one type for another, or comparing the number of years of doing it.

It’s for you, and your own mind.

Meditation is about slowing down long enough to pay attention to our racing thoughts and minds.

Yoga and swimming have been ways that I learned to meditate while moving. Meditation while sitting still, however, has taken me a long time to get comfortable with.

Sitting is often a very difficult part of meditation

For many people, sitting is uncomfortable — because we’re tight in our legs, hamstrings, hip flexors, psoas, backs, and anywhere else we can think of. It’s hard to sit still if you’re uncomfortable. In the beginning, sitting still by myself for a minute was excruciating. For six months, I adapted and tried listening to meditation apps while in bed in the dark, lights out. I leaned back in a semi-reclined position with several pillows under my head and back, and put a pillow under my knees to prop my legs up and let my legs release.

Often, I’d fall asleep.

(And that’s just fine.)

Learning to meditation is about cultivating stillness, and in today’s hyper-connected world, stillness is more and more difficult.

This is why we practice.

Guides, teachers, and apps (yes, apps!) can all support your practice

Your mind is racing, thinking, jumping from one thought to the next. We busy ourselves with thoughts, becoming those thoughts, following our impulses without a whim or a second analysis.

We’re mostly unaware of what our minds are doing; we’re subjects to our habits, at the mercy of the ups and downs of our minds.

Guided meditations, practitioners, and sessions can help. I highly recommend Headspace (The first ten sessions are free; then you can buy it for $10-$15/month, depending on your subscription). The guided meditations are perfect for me, and keep me just focused enough to not wander off. In addition, Andy (the mediation guide and creator of Headspace), teaches you all about what meditation is. Part of the confusion of getting started is not knowing what to do — he walks you through with animations and 10, 15, and 20-minute sessions.

It’s called a practice, not a destination, not a goal

Meditation is a practice. This year, my goal is to do 100 sessions, which comes out to about one session every three or four days. Even finding 15 minutes every few days can be hard for me to do.

It usually ends up that I do a streak of a few weeks with sessions almost every day, and then fall off the wagon for a few weeks. So it goes, and I keep coming back. Just a little bit, here or there.

My life reminds me when I need to get back, because I get sick, or tired, or sad, and I realize — huh, I haven’t taken time to rest my mind lately.

And I open up the app, and I start again.

We’re all beginners, and to practice is to learn

Meditation is about practicing a new skill, perhaps a skill your brain is not very comfortable with yet: for me, I had to learn how to focus my attention, to find deliberate concentration, to watch my thoughts without becoming them or reacting to them.

It isn’t a skill that’s learned in one day, or thirty days. It can take hundreds and hundreds of days, just like learning to play the piano or learning how to use the computer can take so long to train. And because meditation is often related to un-learning our unconcious habits and patterns, it can take a long time to feel like you’re moving anywhere. And that’s okay.

Some days meditation makes me so angry

Meditation is about becoming aware of what’s inside of you, not judging it or eliminating it. Some mornings it’s all I can do to sit through the 15-minute practice, and if I’m being honest, some mornings I get eight minutes into it and I just can’t anymore. I’m too itchy inside to get to my email, too hot and bothered by something, to ready to fire a response, to get outside, to get moving. As someone who loves to go-go-go, I am fascinated by how much I leap up and just get started — finding the peacefulness of sitting still is my challenge.

(In Ayurvedic terms, I’m Vata-Pitta, and I live in New York. So this makes sense).

And it’s still okay. The meditation app helps me notice. Notice, briefly, that I’m itchy and crawling and wanting to move, and carrying a body of emotions around with me, and that stress is building up, and I see it. It’s there. That’s what’s inside me.

That’s the whole point. That’s where I am right now. It’s just me, noticing. A new shadow or layer or insight at a time. These are the feelings that are swimimng around, within, on me. Here we are.

Where I began

I started trying meditation a few years after I graduated from college, and what I did was put a yoga mat next to my bed. In the mornings, I tried rolling out of bed, and sitting still on the mat, just breathing and counting. Some mornings I would count to ten, some mornings I would sit for five or ten minutes.

Through it, I started watching my morning thoughts rise to the surface. How was I waking up in the morning? What was I worried about? What had I carried throughout the night and brought to my next day? What was I going to get started on?

The simple act of paying attention showed me where I was, and how much my mind was racing.

Over time, I began adding more to my evening practice, and showing up to guided meditations at my local yoga studios.

Meditation helps me learn how to say no

Pausing and saying no to your impulses — an impulse to check email, to respond rapidly — helps me learn how to lean in to the bigger picture and say no more readily throughout the rest of the day. Even five minutes in the morning lets me relax in the day and lean back and say, “You know what? I don’t need to respond to these emails right now. They can pile up and I’ll hit them in a batch again tomorrow. I can be done, for right now.”

Email is a never-ending avalanche of requests that we’ll never be able to quell. As I’ve changed my roles and responsibilities in the various companies I work for, I notice that email comes faster, more urgently, and I can either panic and try to save them all, or I can lean out and recognize that this is just a stream of information, and do my best to go fishing in it strategically. No one ever died being happy they answered every email they ever got.

Meditation comes into my life slowly

The awkwardness of a new habit can slow down progress. For me, finding the place, the routine — it took a while. Did I plop a pillow down in our bedroom under the window? Or in a chair next to my desk? Or how about on the couch?

After sorting and stumbling around many iterations, I’ve found a few peaceful places that work for me. One is lying on my back, pillow under my knees, in bed. Why? Because I’ll actually do it, and that’s what matters. Listening to a meditation guide at 9PM as I’m nearing bed is a way to wind down the day.

My other spot is actually sitting against my dresser, pillow flopped from the bed onto the floor, back supported. Alex will leave and I’ll close the door, telling him not to come in for 15 minutes if he can help it.

Meditation became such a gift (and yet it’s still so hard to do)

It took a very long time for me to find the joy and peacefulness that other people described as happening inside of meditation. Mostly, it was frustrating for me, and I found that I got up after 2 minutes, 5 minutes, even 8 minutes into a 15-minute practice. Just a few minutes at a time was all I could do, and it took many months to get comfortable with that.

Practices ebb and flow

If I’ve learned one thing by studying the meta-patterns of my life, it’s that I work in quarters (or seasons), and some are more “on” than others. I fall into a rhythm of doing something for a few months, then resting for a few months, then reigniting a practice.

My practice is steady for a month or two, and then it becomes heavy, burdensome, or difficult — and I relax. And then I need it again. From writing, to connecting with people, to making progress on a project, to creating a meditation practice in my life, it comes and goes. With every ebb and flow, however, it stays a bit longer, becomes a bit more familiar.

Find a special place to practice

Buy a pillow, make a shrine, tell your partner or your roommates that you’re going to try sitting still for 10 minutes, and you’d appreciate being undisturbed. The first time is uncomfortable, or it can be blissful. Sometimes, you surprise yourself. Like any practice, the more you practice, the better it gets and the easier it gets. For the longest time I thought meditation was a fancy state of mind that I’d never be able to achieve.

Now I (think) I understand that it’s a practice.

Everything worth doing takes practice.

Life is all a practice, anyways.

15 Quotes on Meditation and Mindfulness From Jon Kabat-Zinn

I have a small (but growing) stack of wisdom books on my desk that speak to the human experience. One of them is Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book “Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life.” I’ve highlighted and re-highlighted both my digital and print copies. It’s simple, yet profound.

You are here

“When it comes right down to it, wherever you go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that’s what you’ve wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking about right now, that’s what’s on your mind.”

“Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with.”

“Give more than you think you can, trusting that you are richer than you think.”

What is meditation?

“When we speak of meditation, it is important for you to know that this is not some weird cryptic activity, as our popular culture might have it. It does not involve becoming some kind of zombie, vegetable, self-absorbed narcissist, navel gazer, “space cadet,” cultist, devotee, mystic, or Eastern philosopher. Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing something about who that is.”

“Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are.”

Mindfulness is not some sort of cure-all

“I don’t know of any magical solutions and, frankly, I’m not looking for one. A full life is painted with broad brush strokes. Many paths can lead to understanding and wisdom. Each of us has different needs to address and things worth pursuing over the course of a lifetime. Each of us has to chart our own course, and it has to fit what we are ready for.”

What is mindfulness?

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of the present-moment reality. It wakes u up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth and transformation.”

“Mindfulness practice means that we commit fully in each moment to be present; inviting ourselves to interface with this moment in full awareness, with the intention to embody as best we can an orientation of calmness, mindfulness, and equanimity right here and right now.”

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On being exactly where you are

“You might be tempted to avoid the messiness of daily living for the tranquility of stillness and peacefulness. This of course would be an attachment to stillness, and like any strong attachment, it leads to delusion. It arrests development and short-circuits the cultivation of wisdom.”

“If we hope to go anywhere or develop ourselves in any way, we can only step from where we are standing. If we don’t really know where we are standing… We may only go in circles…”

And on spirituality

“Perhaps the most “spiritual” thing any of us can do is simply to look through our own eyes, see with eyes of wholeness, and act with integrity and kindness.”

On darkness

“We must be willing to encounter darkness and despair when they come up and face them, over and over again if need be, without running away or numbing ourselves in the thousands of ways we conjure up to avoid the unavoidable.”

Letting go

“To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.”

“Just watch this moment, without trying to change it at all. What is happening? What do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear?”

And intelligence

“Intelligence is the door to freedom and alert attention is the mother of intelligence.”

These are quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, Wherever You Go, There You Are. If you’d like to take a look at the rest of the book list, head over here.

What To Do When You See Someone Being Harassed

It was early evening, just after the sun set, around 7 PM on Fall night in Brooklyn. My husband and I were walking through the crowds outside of Atlantic Terminal.

I saw a young woman, walking alone, get approached by a man with a clipboard. “Heyyy!” he said, “Do you know about …” The sound drifted off, we were mixed together in the crowd. From a few feet away, it looked like he was another young activist, approaching street-goers.

Then something inside me perked up, started listening, alert.

“No thanks,” the young woman said, and kept walking. At 6’4” or taller, the man stood easily a foot over her. He strode quickly and looped around in front of her, placing his body in her path,

“What,” he said, more aggressively. “You don’t want to do this?”

His insults turned aggressive and derogatory. The clipboard began to look like a prop, a flimsy excuse for a street pitch of inappropriate measures. He was inviting her to something — propositioning her to join something? — and began saying more alarming things to her. My ears caught drift of a proposition based on her looks,

“You’d be perfect for this, you have just the right type of body…”

“You can’t tell me you’ve never done something like this before…”

Everything in my body said make it stop.

I looked over at the woman who was trying to walk, clearly uncomfortable, and as a pedestrian, from three feet away, I asked her:

“Do you know this man?”

No, she shook her head.

“Do you want him to leave you alone?”

She nodded, shielding her eyes from him. She was clearly trying to ignore him and walk away, hoping to avoid an altercation. Perhaps by not paying attention, she wouldn’t have to deal with it much longer. (I know this technique all too well.)

Hundreds of people were streaming by around us, oblivious, heading in their own directions, rushing in and out of Atlantic Terminal, headed on, headed home. There’s nothing like being lost in a crowd of thousands to feel helpless and alone.

I stopped and looked at the man and stood tall. “She’s not interested. You need to leave her alone.” I said, loudly, firmly. My tone takes on the same deep tone I’d use when giving a command to a puppy, or when setting a boundary that I need to make explicitly clear.

At first, he brushed me off and ignored me. He kept circling around, stopping the woman, getting in front of her, petitioning her.

“You need to leave her alone. She said no, thank you.” I said again, as clearly and loudly as I could.

“Whoa, whoa,” he said, stepping back slightly, looking at me as though I were inconsequential.

“Are you two even together?” He looked back and forth between the two of us, looking for confirmation of my involvement. He thought he was targeting a single woman, alone on the streets. Were there two of us?

Then he noticed my man to the side, and looked at him, “Wait, are you all together?” He looked dubious.

My husband nodded, not speaking. (He told me later he was curious why the man looked over to him first to find approval, male to male, versus listening to me. He didn’t want to speak up and voice power unless he had to — the real truth is in listening to women’s voices. I am grateful to him).

I looked at the woman and said discreetly, “Walk with us.”

We walked together for the rest of the length of the block, the main trailing, trying again, and then eventually falling off.

“Where are you heading?” I asked quietly. “Are you crossing up here?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Great, we’ll cross with you. Just keep walking with us.”

We walked together until we were out of the crowd and in the clear. “Are you all good to go on your way?”

“Yes, thanks.” she said, gratefully.

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Helping other women, other people.

Women (as well as men, but much more frequently women) are subject to harassment, unwanted attention, violence (and more) on a daily basis. This goes beyond just women and applies to POC, LGTBQ individuals, and many more groups of people not in power — but today, I’ll address women.

Please note: From my experience, this is what I’ve learned about standing up for people and becoming allies and advocates in a crowd. I am very open to conversation about this, for outreach, for comment, and to learn about better resources from people trained in what to do in situations like this. I offer the following as my own practice, for your consideration.

Also, it needs to be added: take care of your own safety first. Put your life-jacket on, so to speak. If you need help, call for help — shout “FIRE” or dial 911 for assistance.

1. Look around. Be aware. Notice what’s happening around you.

Be an advocate, an ally, a friend.

First step: notice what’s happening all around you. Just because it isn’t happening to you doesn’t mean it’s not happening. According to some statistics, 65% of women experience street harassment, and 20% of all women have experienced being followed. This isn’t a rare thing — this is a thing, that’s happening.

Our first step is to be aware. When you’re checking your phone or checking out on the subway, there are things happening all around you that aren’t wanted or welcome. People are harassed next to you every single day.

Once I started becoming more aware, I couldn’t close my eyes to it anymore. I started seeing it everywhere.

2. Ask the woman directly if she knows the person, wants the attention, or needs help.

Before standing up to the aggressor or escalating any situation, I approach the woman first. Ask them if they know the person. Ask them if they are okay. Ask them if they’d like help. It seems brave to reach in and defend someone, but first — check in with them.

Try it:

“Do you know this person?”

“Are you okay with this situation?”

“Is this making you uncomfortable?”

“Are you alright?”

“Would you like any help?”

In my opinion, the first person to speak to is the woman, not the aggressor. In my experience, make contact, connection, and stand as an ally (or accomplice) with the person who needs help. Let them know that you are here with them, and you’re here to help.

3. Say No, loudly, clearly, and firmly.

After establishing a connection with the person you are helping, — and this is up to you and your level of advocacy — say no. Say no, loudly, clearly, and firmly.

We don’t always set boundaries in our culture, and people think a “maybe” means “yes” and a “no” means “maybe.” Speak in your yoga voice or your dog-training voice. It’s not yelling, but it’s firm, it’s loud, it’s clear, and it’s direct. (Yoga teacher training and watching friends who are parents has taught me a lot about being firm and direct with your voice.)

“Sir/Mister/Ma’am — This is not okay. We’d like you to stop.”

“This is not okay. You need to stop.”

Repeat yourself if necessary. It’s okay for someone to hear the word NO. Sometimes it takes a few tries to have someone hear you.

When a man says something lewd towards a woman, feel free to speak up. “Not cool, man,” is good feedback if you see something inappropriate. “Hey, don’t do that, be nice!” is good feedback. Any type of feedback, awareness, speaking up, and helping is good.

4. Leave.

Do not stay around.

There is no need to escalate the situation, or make it worse. Aggression on aggression doesn’t solve the problem.

My aim is awareness, and to reach out and help those who need it. My prayer is that if ever I am in need of help, a passerby will step in and say, “do you need help?” This is the world that I want to live in.

Hearing “no” from someone can be disconcerting and uncomfortable. That can be enough of a disruption for someone who is typically an aggressor. Since you don’t know who they are or how they will respond, it’s not up to us to stick around and try to change their minds or force them to behave in a certain way (nor can we).

What we can do is help each other, and be very clear about what our boundaries are.

Final notes.

I can’t be silent anymore about these issues. It’s happening around us on a daily basis. Yesterday, I watched a grocery store clerk — my neighbor — get harassed by a drunk, lewd man.

I stood up for her using the pattern above — and the man, upon noticing me and hearing me, turned towards me and began attacking me verbally:

“You must be a LONELY ASS WOMAN,” he said, learing at me. “Why you gotta speak up like this, you must be SO SAD AND SO LONELY.”

“You probably have no one who loves you, do you.”

These calls for help, these shouts, this behavior is indicative of so much pain happening in the lives around us. There are deeper issues going on here, around sadness, depression, attention, fear, loneliness. He wanted to incite me, and I didn’t want to engage.

This is not the way to gather attention.

“Be Kind,” I said, loudly and firmly.

“I am asking you to be kind to your fellow human beings. I don’t like the language you are using and I think it’s inappropriate. Please be KIND to your FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS.”

I could have stayed and asked the grocery store clerk to attend to the man.

Instead, I set the boundary, stood up for someone, and then exited, quietly. I never know if I’m doing the right thing, but I can’t be silent anymore.

I left the grocery store in the dark, 8PM on a Saturday night, and called my husband immediately. “I just stood up to an aggressor in the grocery store and I’m coming home, and I need to let you know he might be following me.” The man left the store and walked down the street towards me. I was two blocks from home, but turned around to be sure I wasn’t followed.

“Please come out and meet me,” I asked.

If Alex weren’t there, I had already identified several street-goers to ask for help, and picked out a local store to walk into if I didn’t feel safe going home — (it’s not always wise to have an aggressor follow you back home and know where you live).

Luckily, he didn’t follow me home, and Alex met me halfway.

“Alex — I can’t help it,” I said. “I can’t be silent about this anymore. These are big issues, but I can’t not speak up. I have to say something.

“I know that puts me at risk, but I think your wife is becoming an activist.”

What do we do?

There are deeper issues at hand (and mind), and I don’t want to fight aggression with aggression. The first step is awareness, the next step, I think, is some sort of action (or discomfort). I want to engage at the level where I alert everyone involved that (1) what is being done is not okay, and people can give loud, clear feedback about that; and (2) that people are here and willing to stand up for each other.

But where does it come from? The man was quite literally out of his mind, and looked as though he were performing a behavior that had be rehearsed over and over again, and had no clue (or awareness) of what he was doing. Was I right to intervene? What will happen next? Am I putting myself in more and more danger? Does it matter?

There are deeper, more difficult problems of anger and violence — of cultural norms that expect women to be invisible and silent, of a language that allows for violence in even the words we choose to use towards each other.

I am here, I am willing, I am learning.

We need to speak up.

I want to speak up.

Why Are We So Afraid of Having These Conversations?

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A man jumped out from behind a subway pole at me while I was absorbed in my cell phone late this evening. I jumped, startled. He started to ask me about whether or not an F train was coming, and then, mid-sentence, said:

“Wait, why did you jump? Why are you scared?”

“Are you scared because I’m a BLACK MAN?”

I started to say, “Well, actually, you scared me because you jumped out at me,” but he shook his head and said,

“Man, why are all white people so afraid?”

I looked him directly in the eye and I said,

“You’re right.”

He stopped, said “Wait, what?”

“You’re right,” I said, holding his gaze.

I wanted to go into more. Talk about why I was startled, talk about how I (hoped) I was on the same side, that we needed to work on this. But we didn’t engage in a conversation. My admission of him being right shook him up.

He started laughing and couldn’t stop. Doubled down on the subway platform, holding his stomach, laughing at the fact that I told him he was right, white people are afraid of black people.

I’m willing to bet that very few people look him in the eye and acknowledge his truth — a truth that’s poignant for all black men. We jump to defense.

He looked at me and said,

“Damn, well, at least you admit it.”

“You know, I respect that.”

Why are we so afraid of having these conversations?

I share this because I think so often we jump into defense, into saying something else, into not wanting to be wrong (or worse, we don’t want to ever think or believe that we could “be racist.”)

There’s space, however, to admit things that are happening (and wrong) without having to also speak about individuals in particular being racist. It’s too soon, it’s too scary, and individually, we don’t understand the implications of what that would mean. What would it mean to admit that we’re all subtilely racist, or biased?

A deeper look at the research suggests that we already do have subtle biases ingrained in each of us, and that most people in the United States, regardless of color, are more prone to associate white people with words like “beautiful” and “talented” and it’s harder for us to match those same words with black faces. There is bias in all of us from our cultural and institutional upbringing, and it’s something we’re not speaking up about or owning.

(If you want to know more about this, research the “Implicit Association Test,” or watch this 8-minute video about how racism is still prevalent today to get an understanding of what institutional racism really means and why it matters).

But before that, even though I am diving into all of this, learning, discerning, crying, and being here — before that, I want to pause.

Because before that, there’s the simple act of witnessing someone in their truth, in our collective truth, in saying: “Yes, I hear you.”

And “Yes, this is a problem.”

And “Yes, we need to talk about it and do things about it.”

So much of human existence is a cry to be heard, to have someone hear you and finally say, yes — your truth is relevant. It matters. What you’re experiencing is true.

This is what Thich Naht Hahn sign says is Deep Listening, the art of listening so fully we let people release their worries, when we let people be heard.

I am hear, listening and witnessing.

I AM joining the conversation.

Saying vs. Doing

Wisdom is nothing more profound than an ability to follow your own advice.
— Sam Harris.

I struggle with writing essays that sound too much like advice, because I know inevitably as soon as I tell you the ten tricks for getting into bed early, I’ll suffer bouts of insomnia, wake up at odd hours, and suffer from erratic sleep patterns myself.

Knowing what to do and doing it are two separate things entirely.

Having knowledge and possessing wisdom are different: knowledge is knowing what to do; wisdom is being able to do it.

Most months I struggle just to put one practice into play. In March, it was staying in a consistent meditation practice. I completed ten meditation sessions of my thirty days, and that was enough.

In April, I focused on exercise again. I exercised four times per week, and meditation, my previously diligent practice, slipped quickly to the wayside; I completed three sessions in the entire month of April.

So it is.

The only thing I know how to do is to keep working on myself. I am the best place to apply what I know, and my ongoing experiments are the best teacher. I listen and learn from others, without taking their outside messages too seriously. We are all our own best teachers.

It is easy for me to know what to do. It would be easy for me to tell you what to do, as though that were the thing you needed most to make change.

What is hard is doing what we know we want to do.

With love,

Sarah

Habit change, solitude, and stillness

January certainly went by in a hurry.

I have quite a few things for you, and I’m just now sitting down to send you these notes.

If you’re interviewing at a new company, here are 12 questions to ask during your interview.

How do you find stillness and solitude in a hyper-connected world? (Podcast)

Want to make habit change? Here’s 8 ways to create habit change (that actually work).

For me, the more you give, the more you get.

Frazzled as a content creator? Let’s talk about the power of evergreen content.Make work that stays, saving you time in the long run. (Podcast)

Now that it’s the end of January, are you drifting away from those resolutions? Here are three tips for keeping your goals. (Video)

Bloopers can be funny! These are all the takes that didn’t cut it. (Video)

And whoa! It Starts With was named one of the top 100 websites for writers by The Write Life!

Thanks to all of YOU who share this work, connect me to awesome new people, and encourage each other to keep thinking and making.

February can be a cold month. It’s a great time to buckle in by the fire and make some work happen. Even if you’re lying down, under a blanket, with a warm cup of coffee… or a glass of wine!

An invitation into the darkness: the value of rumination and notes on finding your own inner guru.

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The darkness of winter: time to turn inwards.

The northern hemisphere is swaddled in darkness, as it is each winter. Today is the longest night of the year; the shortest day. The sun will rise late and quickly dash off, leaving us behind to contemplate the cold, wind, and dreariness of night. Despite the prominence of electric lights and bright screens, and cheery holiday tinsel lining the streets, it’s still dark by early afternoon.

It makes me tired, it makes it harder to work. I struggle to keep going in the afternoon, wanting instead to curl up and hibernate. For many of us, we forget that this is the darkest day of the year. We’ll notice it only through our increased desire for caffeine, a twinge of melancholy, or a lack of motivation. As Clark Strand writes in Bring On the Dark, “few of us will turn off the lights long enough to notice” the winter solstice happening right around us.

“There’s no getting away from the light. There are fluorescent lights and halogen lights, stadium lights, streetlights, stoplights, headlights and billboard lights. There are night lights to stand sentinel in hallways, and the lit screens of cellphones to feed our addiction to information, even in the middle of the night. No wonder we have trouble sleeping. The lights are always on.” — Why We Need The Winter Solstice 

These dark days are a gift: it’s an opportunity to turn inwards, to reflect, and to ponder.

Darkness invites contemplation, reflection, and inner reflection. Dwelling in it can also, for me, bring up deeper sadness and sorrows. It comes in waves, for me, the periods of stillness and rest, of quiet and solitude. Sometimes my mind dips into periods of darkness; I know that I’m deep in restoration and rebuilding. Patterns emerge; ideas begin to form. My other senses sharpen as I rely less on my eyesight.

We’re called to go into the darkness. To find our own inner guru.

When you dim one sense, you brighten the other senses, adding clarity, range, and acuity to your abilities. The ability to feel a range of emotions increases your emotional depth. The upside of darkness, however, is that it is a beautiful time for rumination and reflection.

In yoga, inviting the darkness in is an invitation to find your own inner wisdom, your own inner guru. In studying with Sara Neufeld recently, I learned more about how darkness is an invitation to find your own inner wisdom.

The word “Guru” comes from two words, gu (darkness) and ru (light). From a seat of heaviness or darkness, we go through experiences that bring us to light. One who has experienced both darkness and light has accumulated wisdom. In the yogic tradition, we all are our own gurus — capable of finding our own inner wisdom when we go inwards and close our eyes to contemplate our being.

“The night was the natural corrective to that most persistent of all illusions: that human progress is the reason for the world.” — Clark Strand

Sometimes, finding lightness requires going through the dark. We go not around, but through. The earth spins into darkness every year, so should our souls.