Tag: psychology

The art of asking: 21 ways to ask for what you want and get it.

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Vulnerable-700

“If you don’t ask, the answer is already no.”

What does it take to ask for what you want—and then get it? There seems to be a magical art behind creating a great ask, and we all know stories of people who seem to get exactly what they want whenever they ask. Magicians who bend and will the world to their ways. Why is this? What are they doing that no one else seems to be doing? How do they ask for what they want and seem to get it every time?

Culturally, it’s not always the norm to ask directly for what you want—or we do a terrible job of it (and women are worse, according to the New York Times). Instead os specifying what we want, we hem and haw about ideas, often walking away from great conversations without clearly articulating our message, what we hope to achieve, and how the other person can directly help us.

Creating a great ask (and learning the ability to say no) are two skills that successful people learn how to do really well. In the past decade, some of the things I’ve asked for and negotiated for include: asking for multiple raises and getting them consistently, negotiating salary bumps of 20% or more (with credit to Ramit Sethi’s persuasion tactics), winning over $50,000 in scholarships (competitions and essays were involved), and recently raised $33,000 for charity: water by promising to swim naked from Alcatraz to San Francisco if we raised enough money.

In addition, I’ve helped clients understand persuasion tactics and develop scripts to ask for what they want, including the delicate art of deciding to do it anyways and asking for forgiveness rather than permission. Several people asked me to collect my notes on how to ask and share them publicly. Here are my top tips for creating a great ask—in order to get more of what you want.

The art of asking for what you want: Part 1: You have to actually ask.

1. First, know what you want. This is an all-too-obvious step that’s often overlooked. Often it’s not always clear to you (or others) what it is, exactly, that you’re in need of. The more clarity you can have about what you want, the better. Take the time to learn, figure out, or discover exactly what you want. Once you know what you want ($1M in funding, a date with a lady, a new bookshelf, a corner grocery store), it’s easier to ask for it.

2. Ground yourself in why you’re doing what you’re doing. Start from the heart center: before I ask others to join or respond, I check in with myself, asking with my heart and mind and body, making sure this is what I want and that it resonates with who I am and what I stand for.

Is this something that I want to do, and want to do deeply? Is this something I stand for and believe in?

If you don’t want it at the center of your core, ask yourself why you’re going after it. If you do want it, ask yourself what you’d be willing to do for this. Much of my work is contingent on confidence and alignment with the programs I’m creating. If and when I draft an email that doesn’t “feel right” or my intuition tells me is coming from a place of loneliness, desperation, or need—I pause on the email and draft it a few other ways.When I circle back and remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, the words come more easily.

Amanda Palmer, in the highly watched (and just as readily criticized) TED talk, speaks of the vulnerability that is required in asking for what you want. To ask for something is human; to want something and ask someone else for itrequires a connection.

“Through the very act of asking people, I connected with them. And when you connect with them, people want to help you. It’s kind of counterintuitive for a lot of artists — they don’t want to ask for things. It’s not easy to ask. … Asking makes you vulnerable.”

— Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking

3. You have to actually ASK for what you want. It sounds so simple to write this, and almost insanely easy advice. But there are too many people who do not ask for what they want. They’ll tell you a story, email you to say hello, spend hours talking in circles about their idea, hedge and hum about a faint aspect of their idea—and somehow hope amongst all the befuddlement that somehow the other person they are talking to will be able figure out what is is you want and help you solve your problem.

In order to get what you want, you have to ask for it.

4. Be direct, clear, and specific about what you want. Make it ridiculously clear what you’re asking for. Be direct about what you want, who it’s from, and when you need it, and what a desired outcome looks like. The more specific and direct you can be, the better.

  • Define the problem. What are you trying to solve?
  • Specify what it is, exactly, that you want. What materials, processes, steps, pieces, or people are involved to solve it? Is this made abundantly clear–and easier to read than an IKEA assembly manual?
  • Outline how much time, energy, money, or commitment you think it will take. Be clear about what the person will have to do to fulfill the request. If it’s a sale, specify when, where, and how they can get what you’re asking them to by. There’s nothing like deciding you want something and realizing that the person who invited you didn’t put a “buy here” button on their website.
  • Be direct. Put the ask up front and early, and again in the close of the message.

5. Be selective and targeted about who you ask. The more specific you can be about WHO you ask, the better. Asking everyone in your network is bound to get you a bunch of silence in our over-connected world, or active unsubscribes and un-follows across your various platforms. It’s better to ask three people who are very well equipped to answer your query than 15 people who aren’t interested at all.

Do not send your email to your entire contact list. People in Boulder have no interest in the program you’re teaching in San Francisco (unless, perhaps, it’s a digital class). The more specific you can get about WHO should be receiving the message, the better. One direct ask that results in a yes is better than asking fifty people who don’t respond (and spamming their inboxes).

This can be far more work than it sounds. When I craft campaign emails and fundraising emails, I’ll sit and pour through my contact database and customize a list of 20, 80, 100, 200, or 300 people that I think would actually be interested in my project and that I feel comfortable emailing. Sometimes I goof and send people too many messages, but thankfully most of my friends and colleagues have been forgiving and kind about the messages I’ve sent (and say no when they want to). I’ll craft 10 different versions of emails to go to small sub-groups of twenty people, each group carefully constructed based on who knows who; what the question is; what the story lead is; and how I’m framing the ask.

6. Use social proof by creating micro-groups and mini-masterminds. When you email a small enough group, the presence of one initial response often prompts others to respond as well—creating the inertia of ongoing conversation rather than having to circle back and bother more people. When I email a group of five people that I highly respect and ask them to join a conversation, I try to include someone that I know is great at responding quickly. This generates an ongoing conversation.

When the group is small enough, the conversation becomes private and personal enough that it’s like a micro-mastermind group with content rich enough to be worth thousands of dollars. Sometimes after an day on a message thread, people have written back to me privately and said, “this advice is worth gold—thank you so much for including me in this group. I learned so much!”

An example that stitches these all together:

A while ago I ran into a problem with a particular type of client that I was having trouble closing—and instead I ended up spending weeks in back-and-forth emails continuing to describe the product instead of making the sale (and ideally directing my correspondent to a solution to his problem). I couldn’t figure out if this was a dead-end lead, or if my writing was generating the excessive conversations.

I thought—why don’t I ask a few of my successful business friends for advice?

I thought closely about who might be a good person to answer the question, directed an email at three people, copied each of them on a single email, and wrote the following request:

A sample script for asking a mini-team of experts for help with a problem:

Dear John, Susie, and Rob:

I hope you’re well. I’m having a pinch point in my client pipeline and I’m looking for some feedback—and I think you’re the perfect person to help me out because I’m pretty sure you’re a pro at dealing with this type of client request in your business.

This email will probably take you about 10-15 minutes to read and respond,and I’d be incredibly grateful for your straight-up advice. I’m predicting that you know exactly how to deal with this problem, which is why I’m contacting each of you.

If any of you are swamped today or in the middle of something that needs your attention, feel free to delete this email or send a quick “so sorry, can’t,” so I know not to bother you again. Ideally, you’ll know a great resource (a book or link) that answers this problem and can think through this quickly with me. Many thanks for your brilliance in advance.

Here’s the situation: … I’d like to come up with a great response that changes the answer I’m getting (below) into an answer that converts into a sale. This email chain below is a typical one for me … (and here you continue to describe the email you get and copy, exactly, the messages you get and the emails you’ve sent previously.)

In summary: when I ask people for help, I select one or a few targeted people to reach out to, I define the problem, outline what I’d like them to help me with or what I’d like them to do for me, and tell them how much time I think it should take, and I give them enough information to make it easy to answer. As a courtesy, I also like to let folks opt-out if they’re in a busy point in their lives.

Art of Asking

Part Two: How many times should you ask?

7. Make sure you ask in multiple ways and in multiple places—show up across multiple platforms customized for different individuals. Every time I launch a program, offering, or class, I make sure to send my “ask” into the universe in a number of different ways.

It’s not enough to create something and wait for people to show up. Both before and after you make your product or offering, you need to invite people to come take a look, to review it, to purchase it, and to see what you have to share. Without asking people to buy your product, it’s like walking into an empty room, filling a keg with beer, and not telling anyone you’ve got beer behind those brick walls. Unless you put a sign on the door, distribute flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes, and put a sign out front with free beer coupons for the first 100 customers, no one will know that there’s a keg full of delicious goods inside of that brick house.

You need to show up where the people who have what you want are already playing, paying, or talking.

“It’s not enough to create something and wait for people to show up. You need to tell them about it.” (Tweet this!)

Put your offering or request in several (targeted) places. Show up in person, on email, in newsletters, on twitter, on Facebook, and in any other place where people who want what you have—or can give you what you want—already spend time. Further, you’ve got to ask in a number of different ways.

Next, send personalized requests or invitations on a 1:1 basis to people you think would be great early adopters, fans, or supporters. Tell people what you’ve been up to. Start with your own network, no matter how big or small, and ask them to come show up. An email to ten friends and family members asking for support is more meaningful initially than spamming your entire Facebook friend list and showing that you’ve invited 500 people and only 2 of them RSVP’ed.

8. Ask multiple times. Do not be afraid to ask someone more than once for something.

Sometimes I get nervous that I’m repeating myself. Remember that what you hear is not what they hear. The last time that I got nervous that I was talking incessantly about my project for charity: water, I started to get sick of my own voice and assumed everyone else was tired of hearing about the project, too. In reality, you’re only talking to each person once or twice, even though you yourself have had the same conversation hundreds of times. Keep going and remember that each time you ask, the person on the other end may be hearing you for the first or second time only— and every time you ask, you increase your chances of getting what you want.

Additionally, people generally need to see your ideas 4-7 times before they really familiarize themselves with it. Multiple messages are okay. If you send one email and no one responds, you might need to send another message in two weeks’ time, after people have had a chance to see it and hear about it. Just because you are talking about it all the time does not mean that the other person hears or sees everything you’re saying.

It’s okay to ask more than once. I imagine that some folks are scrolling their iPhones while on the toilet, reading in line, and not always ready to act or do something at the moment and place where they receive your message. In a mobile world, people are getting messages while they are already busy—out shopping, eating, running errands, or at work. They want to donate or buy, but forget. Following up with a second ask is certainly fine.

And if you create a great story—and you sweep people up in your project, they will rally behind you and want to know how the campaign is doing, and they want to know when you win. People love a good story. The additional messages aren’t a nuisance if they’re well-crafted—they’re bringing people into the story and along for the ride. Share your enthusiasm with them.

9. Try asking EVERYONE. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone and strike up conversations with strangers. Talk to your taxi cab driver, your bus driver, your school teacher, your yoga instructor. Tell your story like it’s the only story you have. (Note: this differs from targeted asks, above, because you’re not sending a blanket email to everyone that’s non-specific. This time, every person you meet should be someone you can talk to about your project and process, and each person should get a targeted message or a variant of a custom message).

When I was on a mission to raise money for charity: water, I asked my bus driver, my taxi driver, the brunch group, people at my swim, the coffee barista, and every friend I knew to participate. I ended up having one of my Lyft drivers laughing so hard that he gave me cash straight out and volunteered to graffiti-paint my body for the swim.

You. Must. Ask. Everyone.

10. Practice over and over and over again. Every small ask is practicing for a bigger ask. Each email and correspondence is an opportunity to practice. In college, my swim coach set us out on missions to experiment with our psychological edges—and in one experiment, we had to ask for a free lunch. It was awkward. Many people said no. And some people said yes. Each time, we practice asking for unusual things.Ask until you get a yes answer. Learn from each iteration.

11. Follow up. Ask. Do what you say you’re going to do. Say thank you. If you want to stand out, ask for what you want, follow up, and follow through.Most people don’t do this.

Part Three: The psychology of decision making, why touch matters, and considering context.

12. Be audacious. Much like Jia Jiang’s experiment with hundreds of rejections (where he set out to get used to the idea of rejection by asking for ridiculous things), he found that the more he asked, the easier it got to ask for what he wanted. As a bonus? People said yes. He ended up driving a police car, flying a helicopter, and dozens of other crazy adventures simply because he walked up to people and had the audacity to ask.

13. Keep it simple. Put the ask on the table. Make it easy to find. Make your wishes known.

  • Give alternatives if you’d like, but stick to two, maximum three. Sometimes it’s easier for people to say yes to one of two options rather than having to choose between many. Stick to just one or two things.
  • Start with small wins.Ask incrementally for specific, small things. Get a foot in the door. Don’t ask for the big thing until you’ve established rapport, responsibility and demonstrated follow-through with someone.

14. Pay attention to context and surrounding cues. People make decisions based on their physical surroundings–much more than they would probably believe. Of all the senses, touch is one of the most important contextual cues. Researchers think this is because we develop our sense of touch first, as infants. According to The Economist, on decision-making, “research shows that our choices can depend on whether we are holding something heavy or light,” and “it seems our minds take many physical metaphors (such as heavy or light, soft or hard) literally.” Bring someone a warm beverage and have them sit on a hard chair, and see what happens with your negotiation or ask.

15. Ask at the right time: understand how (and when) people make decisions. If you are asking for something complicated and difficult, ask before the well of will-power is depleted. People grow weary of making decisions throughout a days’ time, and make better choices (or are willing to decide at all) in the morning, or when they are fresh (see more on decision fatigue in Psychology Today). In the evening, you’re more likely to get a “no” as a response if the person you’re asking is tired and worn out from a long day. 

16. Be confident in how you ask. Make a statement, hone your pitch, and then put a clear request in at the end.

If it’s a verbal ask, don’t let your voice trail off at the end. Practice body and vocal confidence by standing tall, shoulders back, and with your head up in a controlled, confident stance. If you don’t feel confident about what you’re asking, chances are you need to check in and make sure that you believe in your product or offering, and you need more practice.

This is a great time to fake it until you make it.

17. Master the Pause. When you ask, look the the other person in the eye. And—this is the most important part—then shut the fuck up. Ask, simply, and then wait. Don’t throw a bunch of garbage words into the space between your ask and the person’s response. The waiting part—that silence—is deafening, but critical.

Give people space to consider what you said and respond thoughtfully before jumping in to fill the silent space with more words. Make a simple ask, and wait. Let them make the next move. Much like kissing a guy (or gal) for the first time, the sweet spot is in the pause and the time where the two parties consider each other.

If you speak up too quickly, you can push them into a space of no.

Body language is critical for this step. Assume a positive stance (feet hip-distance apart, casual, standing still);and put your hands in a neutral position (by your sides or with both hands touching in front of you, loosely). Keep your chin up and your heart space open. Smile confidently and look them in the eye.

Too many people shoot themselves in the foot by asking for what they want and then immediately layering in a couched response that assumes the person on the other side doesn’t want what you’re offering.

Assume that the person you’re asking would be delighted to help you, has exactly what you need or wants precisely what you’re offering, and that they’ve just been waiting for you to ask them.

Surprisingly, I’ve had multiple encounters where people write (or say) in response, “Sure! That sounds great—I’ve actually been looking for a writing workshop, thanks for thinking of me,” or “Absolutely, I’d love to help—I know just the right person, want me to set up an introduction?”

Yes, yes I would.

It’s surprising how much we don’t get when we don’t give people the opportunity to help.

An ask is a connection. It’s not about having another person go to great lengths for you. It’s about creating a scenario where someone who wants to give can match with what you want.

“Asking is about connection. Create a space where people can give and you can receive (and vice versa).” (Tweet this!) 

Part Four: Avoid terrible asks, be kind, and make sure you say thank you.

18. Avoid terrible, generic, vague asks.

I say no to many of the requests for coffee and lunch dates that come my way—although not always—largely when I’m not sure if I can be useful or if I already know that I need to dedicate that limited time to my existing projects and processes.

The worst type of ask is when someone says “I’d love to pick your brain and get your (generic) advice—do you have time to have dinner or get together one day?”

This is non-specific, non-limited, non-structured, and I’m not sure what I can help with or how I can be useful. Chances are that I’ve already answered some of the basic questions in one of the hundreds of essays I’ve written before, or that I can recommend a book or a process that can be helpful and easily sent over in a minute—if I knew the nature of their problem. Lastly, I want to know why it is that I, specifically, am useful–what is it about me that can help you more than anyone else?

When I get these emails, my reaction is to run and hide and shout, NO, NO, NO!

Luckily, I don’t say that. Instead, I write back and ask for a bit of clarification. It’s never a problem to ask people to do a bit more work before you help them. Here are two great scripts for saying no—and helping someone focus their ask:

A sample script for saying no to nonspecific requests for your time:

There are two great ways to respond to nonspecific requests for your time:

Question 1: “Can I ask you a quick question over lunch and pick your brain?”

Answer: “If it’s a quick question, send it my way right now and I’ll answer it quickly! If it’s a longer conversation you want to have, my lunch hours are reserved for clients right now, so you can book time with me here [insert link to your consulting page].” (Hat tip to Marie Forleo and Laura Roeder for this gem.)

Question 2: The vague “I need help and I’d love your advice … ” that generally ends with an ellipses “…”

Answer: “Hey–Thanks for your email. The more specific you can be in your question, the easier it will be for me to help you. Would you put together a list of specific questions you’d like to have answered and I’ll see if I can pull together a quick set of resources and links or point you to the right place?”

To be clear: I’m more than happy to answer questions that are specific, clear, and direct. When people email me a question like this:

“Hey Sarah, I loved the book you mentioned at the Writer’s Workshop on Storytelling and the Hero’s Journey, but I forget the name of the title. Mind sending it to me again?”

It’s EASY to answer. In fact, I find these questions so useful that I typically develop resource pages for specific topics (like storytelling), along with a custom ‘Canned Response’ template in my Gmail system so I can just drop a response in an email and fire it over quickly. I love questions that are easy to answer and quick to send over, and create a lot of value for the recipient.

And as a side note: when people ask you questions, it’s a great clue into what people think you’re good at and what services people want your help answering. I’m grateful for all the emails I get because when I take the time to respond to one, it usually generates a blog post (like this one, in fact), where I can develop a list of resources and tools to share with folks. Even bad emails help me write posts about what NOT to do!

19. Make people feel good about helping. Give people space to be kind and helpful. If you’re awkward, they’re awkward. Believe in what you ask for. Let them know how much it means to you and how helpful it was. 

20. Say thank you. You can never, ever say thank you enough.

And the closer:

21. Don’t be afraid of hearing “no.” We’re in a culture that’s afraid to say no, and conversely—we’re afraid to ask other people for what we want because we’re also afraid to hear the word “no.”

There’s one person who says no to you more than anyone else, however. When you don’t ask, you’re already selecting “no” as the outcome. Each time you hold yourself back from asking for what you want, or you walk away, silently, you’ve already given yourself the answer that you’re afraid of.

“If you don’t ask, the answer is already no.” (Tweet this!)

What about you? Do you have great tips and strategies (or examples) for how to create winning asks? Do you have specific templates or copy that help you create great asks? Write them in comments alongside + I’ll add them to the post.

Is It Too Late?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

– Benjamin Button

Start where you are.

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

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Where are you?

Just a few weeks ago: I’m sitting on the floor of an empty studio, barefoot, with not a piece of furniture in it. Boxes line the hallways and two giant moving trucks are parked out in the street. Every so often our dogs bark, whining about being pent up in the back. I’m helping my Dad move two states away, and the entire house has been up-ended. We’re sleeping on the carpet floor for two nights without beds. I have a radio interview scheduled and I’ve hidden in the bathroom to talk from my laptop to make this happen because their are painters next door.

Right now, we’re in limbo.

I ask if we can not use Skype video–as video is probably not the best medium at the moment, although I’m happy to talk — and right at the beginning, our interview accidentally goes to video. I laugh, and I tell my story: “Well, you caught me! I’m sitting on a floor right now, chatting at you while all the furniture is being taken out of my house … mind if we switch to audio only? Otherwise you’ll have me sitting on a floor in my yoga pants!” 

Right now, right here.

Let’s stop imagining the pretend perfect circumstances that might have maybe led to the possibility of your wildest dreams, and get real about the fact they haven’t happened yet. You are here. You are what you are.

Start where you are. Right here. Right now.

This is where the magic happens.

When you’re tired, worn out, flabbergasted, stressed out. You get up, you park yourself in the corner of the room, you duct-tape fabric ver the window to stop the glare, you polish your lips and you record that video interview anyways, even if you think the whole world behind you is falling apart. Do it in style. Make it happen.

Often all the things that aren’t right aren’t really problems–they are just crutches. “Well, I’ll do it once I have furniture in my house again. I’ll do it when I’m not so tired. I’ll do it when I’m feeling better. I’ll do it …”

Nope, sorry. This is it. Today.

I know very few stories of people who got set up in ideal circumstances and then made the magic happen. Rather, it’s about making the magic happen in any circumstance. (That’s true magic, right there).

Because if you can’t make it happen NOW… when will you?

Start where you are.

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Are You Too In Love With A Dream to Make It Real?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Where does your mind go when you daydream?

That big dream, that thing in your mind–the really big one. Yes, that one.

What’s your big, scary, hairy, crazy, totally unrealistic dream? The one you wish for fervently and find yourself thinking about on and off while wandering?

Have you thought about making it real? Making it actually, seriously, part of your life?

Taking a dream to reality is risky.

It requires the real risk of failure and discovering whether or not you’re capable of what you believe. Whether or not you can actually accomplish all of the steps towards making it real. Whether or not you’re willing to do the work and go through the (sometimes painful) process of getting it to real.

Attempting to make a dream come true is a reality check. The possibility if a different reality is painful. It is quite possible that along the way towards going after your dream, you find out that you won’t get there. It’s too late. The pieces didn’t work. You don’t make it.

Behind the course of taking a dream to life is a possibility of not getting there.

To protect ourselves, we cling to the dream. We stay behind, saying wistfully to ourselves and others the story of the dream, but we don’t chase the dream itself.

Our words start to sound familiar. We tell stories that sound like were going to so that or we could have done that…

To take steps towards your dream requires uncertainty courage, bravery. You might discover that your dream window has expired. You might discover that you’re no longer in love with the fantasy you created. You might discover that the person you were has changed.

Taking the journey will change you. Taking the journey is unpredictable, uncertain, and scary.

You will emerge a different person. Your solace is that the other side of this today is a new place, and we are creatures that require change to grow.

And what if it does work out? What if your wildest dreams actually could come true?

Would you have the courage to go free them?

Or are you enjoying the dream more?

Bravery

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

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Bravery.

Bravery is showing up.

Bravery is saying what you believe in. Out loud. To the people who need to hear it. Even if that person is you. 

It’s having honest communication with your self, your teams, your communities.

Bravery is saying no when you know you need to. It’s saying no to the wrong things so that you can say yes to the right things.

Bravery is having the courage to quit when you know you’re on the wrong track, even if hundreds of thousands of people are headed in one direction. It’s knowing when the path you are on isn’t the one for you. It’s taking that scary leap, swimming upstream, or wandering down unfamiliar trails.

Bravery isn’t fun, macho, or full of gusto. It’s not always done in one big sweep.

Bravery is all the heroes in Boston, visible and invisible, local and global. 

Bravery is having the courage to stand out on social media and remind people to collect the dots, not connect them too early.

Bravery is saying something different and showing empathy for our peers around the world. It’s not jumping to conclusions too quickly. It’s remembering what we stand for and believing in the best of us.

Sometimes bravery is remarkable, unfathomable courage by the youngest and oldest of human souls who rush forward to help everyone and put their lives on the line to save others. The runners in Boston who kept running to the hospital to donate blood were Remarkable. Beautiful. Stunning. Incredible.

Other times bravery is calm, methodical. Sometimes it looks quite peaceful. Sometimes it’s shaking off the noise and clamor and distraction and realizing with simple focus that your next steps require you to take those steps and walking forward is the best and happiest way forward.

Bravery might not be visible to anyone else at the time that you’re being brave. Bravery might be broadcast on national television (but that’s not the point).

It’s showing up, little by little. 

It’s putting yourself out there, even if “out there” is pushing past your own mental barriers.

It’s deciding that now is a better time than later.

Bravery is bravery, even if it doesn’t look that remarkable to anyone else. You are still brave.

It’s continuing to press on, even when your stomach drops in fear, your hands shake in nerves, and you collect sweat in your armpits faster than fog droplets in a San Francisco “summer” day. It’s taking a step forward in the midst of whirlwind gusts of wind and shouting into the windstorm, I’ve got this, dammit! I’m still going to do it! I have to! 

My soul tells me I have to do this, and I have to listen.

Start small. (It’s okay to start with a bang, too, but small is still very brave).

Watch for the mental overwhelm, and give yourself kindness and space to freak the heck out (although maybe not publicly just yet).

Be very kind to yourself.

And also, remember,

in your quest for bravery:

In order to do something new, you often have to let go of something old.

The trouble with starting something is that it requires a different behavior than what you did before.

We are creatures of habit, yes, but we are also creatures of continuous change.

Spring is the perfect time for creative bursting, for unfolding, for the skin-shedding, cocoon-bursting metamorphosis that transforms you towards your next self.

The world is waiting for you to grow into the next version of you. 

Bravery doesn’t always feel like bravery.

It can feel like whirl-wind, mind-bending, all-changing upset, filled with unpredictable whims and whammies, stomach upset and nervous twitters, body aches, starts and stops, trial and error, and a whole lot of messy.

Sometimes bravery feels nauseating, overwhelming, scary, and downright hard.

It’s still brave.

 

A little insider’s story–my story:

When I opened the doors and launched my writing class last week, I was terrified. This was my brain:

What if I wasn’t ready? What if no one showed up? What if nothing worked? What if this dream of mine, that I’ve been working and crafting and creating for so many months past, resulting in a big giant internet wall of silence? 

Intellectually, I know that I can do this. I’ve been ready to do this for years. I’ve taught workshop after workshop and coached folks for years. I have a chart on my wall of the things I’m leaning towards this year, and the one big thing not lined up for the longest time was creating a course for writers. I can’t confess to understanding all of the reasons that I’ve avoided doing it, but I can speculate.

It means so much to me.

I knew deep down that I would do it even if only one person showed up. I would do it even if no one paid me the first time, and I would keep honing my chops and my offerings until I found the right fit.

That still doesn’t mean I’m not incredibly terrified. I get scared! Scared SHITLESS. My brain, many weeks ago:

What if no one shows up? What if I’m a terrible teacher? What if I can’t get it all done? What if it doesn’t work? WHAT IF NOT ONE PERSON SHOWS UP? What it I can’t do it on top of the work I’m already doing? What if this isn’t what I’m meant to do? WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF EVERYTHING???

WHAT IF IT’S ALL JUST WRONG?

So scream the fear-monster voices in my head.

Yes. They are there. I have them. 

When you get close to your dreams, fear can rage like a giant monster. Every thing that could go wrong seems to loom large. The website broke. I stayed up all night, nervous about prepping the materials. Funky characters showed up across my website. More things went wrong. Before launching the program, I waited for months. I studied stacks and stacks of books, compressing more knowledge into the course documents in order to make it even better. I stalled. And then stalled some more. I thought about not doing it at all. I almost said to myself, “Nah, one wants this. It’s not worth trying.” 

And then someone thanked me. People went out of their way to reach out and tell me how excited they were. 

Several more people signed up. The class started filling up before I had all my ducks lined up and my posts ready to go. (I have so much more promotion I’m planning on!)

In the form: “Yes. I’ve been waiting for this. This is exactly the class I want.” and “I’m so excited I cannot WAIT until the 29th!”

Holy shit. I’m so excited. And thankful. This is going to be good.

Today, with the class more than half full already, I could laugh away those fears and pretend with a big shiny smile that everything is all and well, but it’s not the truth. I’m scared, too. The fear monsters hit everyone. I don’t know all the answers. But I do love writing!

I’ve learned, slowly, over and over again, that the scariest part of doing anything is not doing it and wallowing in thought. 

And wrapping your thoughts around all those fears? That’s a scary space.

Be brave. Get started.

The best way to do anything is to do it. If you’re afraid of starting, make it smaller and simpler. Want to have a conversation with your boss about something you’re frustrated about? Don’t write a big report or delay on it. Write a quick, simple email that says: “I’ve got a couple of items I’d really like to talk to you about–including a couple of frustrations I’d like to work through. When’s the best time to chat, and is there a format that’s easiest for you?” Do it as soon as you know that you have to have this conversation. Stop by and say what you think. Look for solutions.

And be brave. I know it’s terrifying, I know it’s not easy, and I go through it all the time.

Be brave.

With big love this week,

sarah signature

 

Spring 2013 Writer’s Workshop | FAQ

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Start Writing Registration Button-Composite

There has been such an incredible response to the writing course! Here are some of the main questions so far and feel free to reach out on twitter if you have any other questions. If you’re thinking of joining the course, registration ends this week. 

I love the idea of a Writing Course! But who is it for? How do I know if it’s the right fit for me?

This course is designed for people who want to get better at writing but aren’t ready to commit to a full-time program at a University, or want to increase their writing habits by doing a 3-week course. If you’re a professional, creative, or have a personal writing hobby and want to step up your game, this course will help you improve your writing and teach you fundamental skills and lessons in storytelling and narrative.

How does it work? What does the class consist of?

The class is broken down into three weekly themes:

  • Week One looks at Visualization and Imagination — we’ll talk about crafting our ideas, shaping them, using different methods for imagination, and exploring each of our writing dreams.
  • Week Two is on Storytelling, where we get to dive into specific frameworks and structures for creating stories, and practice writing many of our own.
  • Lastly, Week Three focuses on Persuasion and using writing to get more clarity in what we want and communicating with others.

Every weekday during the course, there’s a core lesson followed by a writing prompt for you to start your creative writing. The core lesson is a teaching example or a short story to get you thinking and learning about new ways to consider your writing and narrative–on average, it’s about 1-2 pages of reading with examples and links to further resources for you to dig into. At the end of the lesson, there’s a prompt for your daily creative writing exercise–a series of thoughts for you to respond to.

The prompts will get you into the habit of writing each day and putting words onto paper.

It sounds like a lot of content. I work during the day – how will I get it all done?

It is a lot of content! I cover a lot quickly, but I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. In the beginning we’ll work on framing your personal writing goals, and you can pick how many days you’d like to practice. For some people, just writing 3 days a week is an ideal goal, so they can save the Tuesday and Thursday lessons for later. Each lesson is designed as a complete package, and the more lessons you do, the more you’ll learn.

Do I get to keep the course materials?

Yes! Each day you’ll get a PDF of the course lesson for you to keep. At the end of the course I’ll send you the complete digital document (it’s nearly a book!) for you to keep as well.

What if I while I’m taking the course I come up with a great idea and I want to take my writing in this new direction — what should I do?

The biggest goal of this class is to help you get started with your writing craft and to unlock your creative vision. If you get a great idea, run with it! The people I work with all have lots and lots of creative ideas–but haven’t found a consistent way to get their ideas on paper, and tend to feel “stuck” in some way or another. To that end, I encourage everyone to follow your instinct and intuition. You can save the lessons for future prompts and days when you’re looking for a way to start. The most important thing is that you take the time to write and explore your ideas. Everyone has a story to tell–scratch that, everyone has lots of stories to tell, and this course is about exploring your narratives and stories and putting your ideas into words.

How big is the class?

The target size is a group of 20-30 people so you can find and meet great peers and start to connect with your classmates, but we’re still an intimate group so that I can interact with each of you. Depending on how many people sign up, we may be a bit smaller for this pilot group. Registration closes on Friday, April 26th.

What’s your teaching style? Do you have a teaching philosophy?

Absolutely. I work under several premises that create the foundation for the work I do with my clients, on this blog, and in my life.

  • Get Started. I believe that one of the most difficult things for each of us is the “getting started” part of any habit. We spend so much time locked in our heads and minds and not enough time actually doing the things that need to get done. By setting up a three-week course with daily prompts, the goal of this course is to get you started on a writing habit, and build up a positive association with opening your writing document and letting your heart out on the paper.
  • You Need A Team. If we could each simply “motivate” or “do” everything we wanted to, life would be great–but it doesn’t work like that. We need community, coaches, friends, mentors, teachers, and a whole crew of people to help us walk (or run!) towards our dreams. This class is designed to help you unlock your creativity by adding structure, mentorship, teaching and accountability to your wonderful burgeoning creative talents. 
  • Positivity. The next premise is one of positivity. I believe we need to be very kind to ourselves about our progress. In my experience, a lot of folks engage in a dialogue about why they’re not accomplishing or achieving what they meant to do yet. I like to re-frame this, and instead talk about all the good things you’re capable of doing, and be positive about whatever level you can achieve. Signing up for the course and taking the steps towards being a more prolific writer is huge! Congratulations to you on that! And once you’re in the course, –the course can be taken at different paces, so that if you want to write only 2 or 3 times a week, that’s just fine. Everyone’s definition of success is different, and the most important thing is creating space and time and a community for writers to connect and create.
  • Intuition. I believe in honing your relationship with your intuition–your instinct, your gut. If you’ve spent years in academic or work environments with a particular rigor or structure, it’s highly likely that you’ve lost touch with your base creative intuition. The good news is that each of us can build and strengthen our relationship with our instincts by getting out our tools and “exercising” our intuitive muscles daily.

Are you giving feedback to everyone on their essays?

While I won’t be reading everyone’s essays every day — that’s far too much for me to take on (30 essays every day for 15 days is a LOT of essays), but I will be reading at least one essay by each person and giving thoughtful suggestions and feedback and answering your questions each evening in our online community. We will use the Facebook group as a place to have conversations and talk about common threads, themes, and questions. I’ll be online a couple of times per day (usually in the evenings) to go through and answer each of your questions and add thoughts and resources for your consideration.

Is this a technical class?

This is not a technical class. I’m less concerned with a typo or proper sentence construction, and much more excited about getting your ideas out onto paper, quickly. You can always polish something later (and I recommend Strunk & White’s Elements of Style if you’re interested in this). This course is focused on dreaming, scheming, imagination, and building your writing practice and craft.

I can’t make this session–I’m so bummed! Will you be offering this course again?

Yes. I’ll be offering a similar course either this Summer or Fall.

I don’t have a Facebook account. Will that affect my ability to take the class?

One of the ways we will interact with each other is a small, closed Facebook group that lets us meet and discuss on a forum page. I’ve looked through several alternatives and this is the best one to date. If you don’t have an account, you can still do the prompts and learn from each daily lesson and get a great class out of it. You might also consider creating a temporary account for the duration of the course if you’d like to be a part of the community conversations.

Are there any surprises?

Of course there are surprises! :) I have a couple of additional tricks up my sleeve that I’m working on and can’t wait to share with you. Sign up and you’ll see!

Where do I register?

Class Description: Start Writing | Digital Writer’s Workshop
Course Cost: $300.
Direct Registration Link 

 

Are You Over Thinking?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

Sometimes the answer is just doing it.

Not thinking about doing it. Not writing about doing it. Not talking about doing it. And not waiting on it, or giving it more time.

Sometimes you just need to do it.

Anticipation can be deadly. Every time I have to jump into cold water or a cold pool, I can’t think about it too much. The more I think about it, the longer it takes to do it. The longer I think about it, the harder it gets to pull the trigger. The longer I think about it, the less time I spend actually doing it, and the more time I spend lost in thinking about it. The worst part is always the first three minutes as my body acclimates to the change in temperature from the outside air to the colder pool. And magically, after those three minutes, the sting wears off and I even begin to forget those moments pre-cold. Adaptation happens quickly. We forget our fears the minute we go ahead and get started.

The worst part is starting. Scratch that. Sometimes the worst part is the anticipation of starting. Sometimes the worst part is all that dang thinking you do before you start doing what you really need to just be doing. It’s all that thinking about starting that can paralyze you.

Quit that thinking.

The antidote to anticipation is action.

The hardest part can be just getting started.

What’s On Your Mind?

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

“We’re not here, for that long, anyway. But to spend almost half our time lost in thought, and for the most part unhappy at that–well that’s pretty tragic, isn’t it?”

— Andy Puddicombe

How does your mind work? What brought you here? What patterns occupy your thoughts and recur, repeatedly?

Andy Puddicombe talks about the power of meditation and how beneficial it is for each of us to stop for ten minutes each day  and simply to look at how our mind is working. (The link takes you to a 9-minute TED talk).

When you stop and look at your thoughts, he asks, do you notice–

  • That you’re dwelling and ruminating on one particular, circling, repeating thought?
  • That you’re reinforcing certain story lines and patterns of mind?
  • That your mind is restless and agitated?
  • That your mind is dull, boring, or mechanical?
  • That you have a nagging thought that comes around and around?

How does your mind work, anyways?

The point of mindfulness isn’t judgment or instantaneous change, but rather, an awareness of what is actually happening in your mind, without judgment. It’s familiarity with the present moment, and an awareness of how, in fact, your mind is working.

Sometimes in order to know what’s on your mind, you have to slow down and take a look at that very mind. What’s in it?

Enjoy,

sarah signature

Radio Interview: Musings on Design, Environment, Behavior and Sustainability

Posted on by Sarah K Peck

How do you build a sustainable life, what does psychology have to do with cities, and how do you wield the power of learning how to say both yes and no strategically? Did you design your own job? How do you balance a full-time job with all the side projects you want to do? What happens when you’re frustrated because your employer doesn’t understand that you want to do more than what you’re already doing? What is environmental determinism? What is the relationship between environment, design, and behavior? Is the world around us really just a game?

And for goodness sake, what does it feel like to swim Alcatraz naked?

Last night I was fortunate to be guest #66 on Radio Enso hosted by Greg Berg. It turns out radio interviews are really fun! As a Prairie Home Companion and NPR enthusiast, I am quite fond of the audio-only medium. (Plus, Greg was an incredible host–impeccably well-prepared and GREAT questions.)

Listen here: Radio Enso #66 with Sarah Kathleen Peck.

If you have more time, also check out the quick video round-up by Todd Schnick on how to kick ass in 2013. I have a one-minute spot in it where I talk about my favorite two tips for how to get things done (hint: get started, and do less than you think).

What questions do you have?

Enjoy, sarah signature